No parent starts out wanting to disappoint their children.
And yet, despite us doing our best to love our children well, there will certainly be times we hurt or disappoint them in some way or another. These disappointments can gradually build up into resentment and unforgiveness—without us even knowing it.
One way this can happen is when we go back on our word, or when we can’t be there for our children because of our work or ministry responsibilities. So, what can we do to avoid hurting our children in this regard—and how can we make it up to them if we have?
Give Us This Day 21
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Keep Our Word
The simplest way to avoid unnecessarily disappointing our children is by keeping our word. Jesus tells us that we should “just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37).
When we go back on our word, our children may feel that we are not dependable, and over time, find it difficult to trust others and even God. As such, we should aspire to be faithful like our heavenly Father, who keeps all His promises.
When we go back on our word, our children may feel that we are not dependable, and over time, find it difficult to trust others and even God.
Sometimes, however, parents foolishly make promises that they don’t intend to or are too hard to keep. If we say that we will do something—or vice versa—then we must do all we can to follow through. Sometimes, this means doing it at a later time or in a different way. For instance, we might have to call off an outing to the beach because an important meeting suddenly crops up. But we must strive to reschedule it as soon as possible, so that our children get the message that we are reliable, we don’t forget, and we persevere in keeping our word.
At other times, we may be forced to break a promise due to unavoidable circumstances. Rather than trying to justify our decision—which may come across as us making excuses—we should humbly and sincerely apologise for causing sorrow to them.
When Duty Calls
In particular, when it comes to serving in church or in full-time ministry, we should be careful to avoid telling them that we can’t be with them because we are doing “God’s work”, lest they end up resenting God and our service. Yet, there will be times we cannot be there for our children because of important ministry work or essential duties that require our attention.
This has been a sad reality in my life, and one of the most painful aspects of my travelling ministry, having served in a youth ministry for over three decades. Because my work travel schedule fills up about two or three years in advance, I cannot make allowances for important family events that I come to know about only much later on. It’s an unfortunate fact that busy people will have times when they disappoint their children, by not being there for their milestones and other important events.
There will be times we cannot be there for our children because of important ministry work or essential duties that require our attention.
My daughter’s graduation from university was a big event, but I was unable to attend because I was in England. The date of the graduation ceremony had been announced at the last moment—after I had already planned my trip. I sent her text messages expressing my sorrow at not being there, and my great delight over how well she had done. I still remember her text reply. I hope the pain she felt due to my absence was somewhat lessened by my expressions of sorrow.
Give Them Space
Despite all our efforts, our family members may not always understand the sacrifices we make, and are unhappy about the demands of our ministry. At such times, we should give them the freedom to express their disagreement without getting angry.
The worst thing we can do when our children express their unhappiness is to snap at them and say something like: “Don’t you realise I have to do God’s work?”
Instead, we should express heartfelt sorrow. Paul, for example, wanted to visit the Thessalonian church as they needed his guidance. He writes: “Out of our intense longing we made every effort to see you” (1 Thessalonians 2:17). But he could not go. So, he remained alone in Athens, and sent Timothy to represent him “to strengthen and encourage you in your faith” (3: 2). He later adds: “We pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith” (v. 10).
The worst thing we can do when our children express their unhappiness is to snap at them.
From his words, we can sense Paul’s deep sorrow about not being there, and how he did all he could to compensate for his absence. This can be a lonely and painful cross to bear. Jesus himself had to endure this. Mark records that “a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat” (3:20). This seems to have been the last straw for Jesus’ family members: “When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, ‘He is out of his mind.’” (v. 21).
Many people were blessed by the sacrifices Jesus made, but the people closest to Him could not appreciate that. Despite our hurt, let’s act with restraint when we encounter misunderstandings, and do our best to avoid causing further hurt to our loved ones.
The Pains and Gains of Parenting
There will be times we cannot keep our word to our children, or other vital responsibilities have to come first, and we hurt and disappoint them.
In the midst of these challenges, let us be encouraged that parenting is a huge responsibility and a noble calling from God. Kent and Barbara Hughes’ excellent book, The Disciplines of a Godly Family, quotes Robert Dabney, a 19th-century Presbyterian pastor-theologian, who said: “The education of children for God is the most important business done on earth.”
Fellow parents, may the biblical perspective of the gains of parenting help to sustain us, as we endure its pains and strains. Let us seek God’s wisdom, strength, and peace as we navigate the many hurdles of family life, doing our best to keep our word, to humbly apologise when we fail our children, and to give them space to grieve when we hurt them.
Through it all, may we impress upon them how much we love them, so that even in these moments of disappointment, they will know that our love for them—like our heavenly Father’s—is steadfast and will never fail.
Extracted and adapted from The Family Life of a Christian, published by Crossway © 2016 by Ajith Fernando. Used with permission.
