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When was the last time you simply looked your child in the eye and smiled? Or the last time you said, “I love you” for no reason at all?
While we obviously love our children, some of them may not always feel that way—especially when we’re tired and overwhelmed with our many responsibilities at home and work.
On top of this, our children are growing up in a world so different from ours. Moral relativism reigns, with basic convictions of right and wrong blurred. Our children may come across questions and doubts about our faith, which can, over time, erode their belief in God.
While we cannot guarantee our children’s salvation, what can we do as parents is to provide a home where our children know that they are loved by us and God, and experience firsthand how biblical love and values rooted in the gospel leads to true fulfilment.
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Here are three simple things we can start doing today:
1. Show Your Delight
How do you see your children? Do you see them as a blessing from God—even when they’re difficult to love? Or do you subconsciously feel that they are a burden or hindrance to your career or comfort?
The way we look at our children influences how we relate to them. For Paul, his affection and yearning for his spiritual son Timothy (and vice versa) compelled him to write: “Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy” (2 Timothy 1:4).
Do you see them as a blessing from God—even when they’re difficult to love? Or do you subconsciously feel that they are a burden or hindrance to your career or comfort?
How important it is for our children to know that we are filled with joy when we see them! This is the same way our heavenly Father sees us, as Zephaniah 3:17 expresses:
The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.’
If that is the way our heavenly Father views His children, then we have a model for the way we earthly parents should view our children. And because God gave us words as the major way to communicate truth, we must express our delight over our children in words. When we praise our children, we increase their joy and ours.
Paul, for example, often expressed delight over his spiritual children: “My brothers and sisters, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm in the Lord in this way, dear friends!” (Philippians 4:1). Likewise, our children should frequently hear such warm words of affirmation from our lips.
Not only can we affirm our children, but we can also rejoice with them when they are honoured (1 Corinthians 12:26). Don’t add qualifying statements like, “Next time, try to do better”, or, “Now don’t get too proud, you should give all the glory to God.” And instead of boasting about their achievements to others, tell your children how happy and proud you are of them. Express your joy in them, and celebrate together—like going out for ice-cream as a family.
One thing we can consider doing is to cultivate some regular practices in our home to express our delight in our children. For example:
● When our children get up in the morning, greet them with joy.
● When they go to bed at night, tuck them in with a prayer and perhaps a bedtime story. (It’s still a great idea to say goodnight to our adult children, too!)
● When a father returns home from work, he can first express his joy at seeing his wife, and then go to his children and give them big hugs.
● When the children leave the house, we can drop everything to acknowledge our children with something like: “Bye! Have a good time.”
This may not come naturally to us—those of us who have not experienced such delight from our parents may find it difficult to accept the idea that God is delighted with us, and to express delight towards our own children.
What we can do is to be aware of this and endeavour to do what we can to change by God’s grace, so that our children do not suffer because of our weaknesses.
2. Care in Love
Aside from showing our delight to our children, we can also care for them in a loving and tender way. All too often, we can get caught up by our children’s many needs, and attend to them in a curt and begrudging manner.
Paul’s description of his care for the Thessalonians is instructive: “We were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thessalonians 2:7–8 ESV).
Paul uses three terms that describe a mother’s attitude towards her children:
● she is “gentle,” not rough and irritable;
● she is “affectionately desirous” of them, not distant and difficult to reach; and
● her children are “very dear” to her, so she does not act unpleasantly to them.
These terms all convey a sense of affection and longing. Armed with these three attitudes, Paul says he does three things a mother does: he cares for his spiritual children, shares the gospel with them, and is “ready to share . . . [his] own [self]” with the Thessalonians.
Many mothers can do this well. But Paul was a spiritual father, suggesting that fathers should also care for their children in these ways.
Put briefly, we should make love “our highest goal” in our relationship with our children (1 Corinthians 14:1 NLT). Then, we do what we can by God’s grace to achieve that—even if it’s tiring or inconvenient to us. Many of us may already be doing so: for example, our love for our children may compel us to stay up night after night to care for our sick children.
Put briefly, we should make love “our highest goal” in our relationship with our children (1 Corinthians 14:1 NLT).
When my children were younger, they would ask me to pick them up after a party or meeting late at night. Or, they would ask whether I could take them to the train station early in the morning (not easy for a night owl)! Even if I was very tired at the time, I would readily do these things. In doing so, I tried to express that I was happy to do these things for them—and indeed, happiness was always my experience when I did.
3. Spend Time with Them
One of the simplest—and yet most powerful—way we can express love to our children is to spend time with them. When Jesus chose the 12 apostles, it was so “that they might be with him” (Mark 3:14). Not only is time with them a way to show our love, it is the primary way we impart values to them.
Of course, this may be easier said than done in our time-pressed society. Some of us may think: Well, I spend ‘quality’ time with my children, rather than ‘quantity’.
With children, however, quality requires quantity. Children spending hours in front of a screen may bring some relief to parents, but there is no substitute for personal parental interaction. I personally believe that mobile games, streamed shows, and social media should never be used as convenient and cheap “babysitters”!
Children spending hours in front of a screen may bring some relief to parents, but there is no substitute for personal parental interaction.
Dr. Lalith Mendis, a friend of mine who was a former medical college lecturer and is now a pastor, has a special interest in developmental issues of children. He tells me that there is a close connection between the time parents spend talking to their children and their healthy development, particularly in the area of speech. He says that often, the cause for a speech defect is that parents do not talk enough with their child.
Children learn the security of being loved through long hours spent with their parents. While grandparents, babysitters, and schools all play an important role, there is no substitute for a parent’s attention. This should be a major factor in the vocational choices that we make.
For example, I have a friend whose wife took several years off from her Christian ministry-related job to care for her children. Many of her friends felt that she was doing something very wrong, but today, her now-happy adult children are testimony to the wisdom of her choice.
Fathers, too, should also spend time with their children, such as by playing with them, bringing them out, and discussing with them about their hobbies and interests. I used to find opportunities to chat with my children when I drove them to places. I would also have serious conversations with them, especially my son, over text messaging and even email.
A word to fellow dads: let’s endeavour to know what our children are interested in, if we want to have meaningful conversations with them. Do they like music? Find out what’s trending. Do they like sports? Keep up with the latest headlines. Ask them about their friends. Let’s make the effort to learn about our children out of our love for them.
Another simple way we can express our love is by eating together as a family. One of the warmest opportunities for fellowship is when everyone is seated at the table for mealtime.
Eating together also was a key feature of the fellowship of the earliest church, as Acts 2:46 tells us: “They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts.”
Some years ago, I read an article about research on depression and suicide among teenagers. The researchers found that this problem was markedly less prevalent among teens whose families had at least one meal together each day, which can bring about a special closeness.
By sharing our joys and sorrows with one another, our children can experience our love and care for them in a way that no amount of screen time can.
Moreover, when a family eats together, there is an opportunity for each member to sense the feelings of the others. This gives children a chance to talk about stressful or happy things they experienced in school—all the more important for teens, who may be feeling lonely or overwhelmed.
By sharing our joys and sorrows with one another, our children can find fulfilment and healing in our company, and experience our love and care for them in a way that no amount of screen time can.
Joyful Parenting
As we endeavour to express our delight in our children, care for them with loving tenderness, and spend time with them, let us pray that our children will know that we love them, with a steadfast and enduring love that is rooted in and watered by God’s own love for us.
In so doing, may our joyful parenting lead the way for them to know and love Christ, to God’s glory.
