“Mum, the youth programme in Eleanor’s church is so happening! I think I’ll start joining her there on Sundays.”
This was what Lauren told her mother one day, after attending a fellowship outing with her best friend’s church youth group.
This may sound familiar to some parents, especially those with teenage children. It can come as a shock if families have been used to worshipping at the same church for many years. It can be a challenging issue if parents believe that their children should attend the same church as they do, at least until they’re grown-up or even married. Some may even feel that this is a biblical call.
It can also be worrying if parents are uncertain that their kids are going to a “right” or “proper” church. Some might even wonder if they should switch churches along with their children, to make sure their kids are okay in the new church.
With these possible worries and challenges in mind, how should parents respond when their teenage children want to change church?
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How Some Parents Responded
Jacintha, a mother of three, had to deal with these questions when her children expressed their desire to switch church. Thankfully, they did so after a period of careful consideration, during which Jacintha saw herself as a “facilitator”.
What helped was that they all shared a common belief in the value of spiritual growth. “My children and I both saw the need for them to grow in a church or ministry where they could better utilise their gifts to serve God where He’d impressed upon their hearts to do so,” she shared.
Thankfully, too, all three children have found their niche in their new churches. Their growth in their knowledge of God’s Word and their active service in their new places of worship assured her that her decision to “let go” was a right one.
But, she stressed that it did not come without careful deliberation accompanied by much prayer.
And, some practical exploration. “Thanks to technology, we could listen to online sermons from the new church first. It was vital to ascertain that the teachings were doctrinally sound,” Jacintha emphasised. “Of course, the children visited the churches to supplement their ‘evaluation’.”
“My children and I both saw the need for them to grow in a church or ministry where they could better utilise their gifts to serve God.”
Kathleen, too, supported her eldest daughter’s desire to attend her friend’s church when the latter was drawn by the community and bonding there. “It’s not that these factors were lacking where we were,” she said. “Sometimes, the child finds a better fit elsewhere.”
Like Jacintha, Kathleen took pains to sit down with her daughter, Bernice, to go through the decision. “The support that parents can offer to help children clarify their desire for the switch is also crucial,” the mother of four said.
Together with Bernice, she and her husband visited the new church to check its doctrinal stand. “I’d say that’s the first checkbox to be ticked off before we could even talk about other factors,” she added.
Another concern was whom Bernice would be hanging out with in the new church, something which took time and patience to address. “We got to know her churchmates. We saw spiritual maturity and growth, so we were assured,” Kathleen recalled. Today, Bernice is well-settled in her new church and has even become a cell group leader.
Must Families Worship and Serve Together?
Do the positive outcomes of Jacintha’s and Kathleen’s examples mean that it is all right for families to worship and serve in different churches?
The Bible describes the church as the body of Christ, with every believer forming an integral part of this body (1 Corinthians 12:12–17). For the church to function powerfully and optimally, these different individual body parts need to come together.
Hebrews 10:24–25 also recognises the intrinsic value of mutual support between fellow believers as it underscores the need for believers to gather. And Ephesians 2:19 describes the church as the family of God. The “church”, then, is not confined to or defined by a physical location, but is made up of the bigger body of believing brothers- and sisters-in-Christ.
This perspective has helped parents like Jacintha and Kathleen deal with the discomfort they may feel when children want to switch church. Instead of worrying, they can focus on engaging their children in the more important process of spiritual growth and development.
“It’d be nice if we could all attend service together and serve in the same church,” Kathleen said. “But if the reasons for the child to switch are valid, then we probably should question ourselves on the relevance of our ‘ideal’ mental image.”
She added that what’s more important is that her child “takes ownership of her faith”. Bernice’s desire to change church gave Kathleen an opportunity to exercise godly wisdom. “We prayed and committed Bernice and the decision to God.”
“If the reasons for the child to switch are valid, then we probably should question ourselves on the relevance of our ‘ideal’ mental image.”
Jacintha, too, observed that simply worshipping in the same church did not guarantee spiritual maturity and growth nor was evidence of it. She said: “Ultimately, it’s more important that fellow believers in the body of Christ come together with their unique gifts and talents to serve and honour God corporately.”
Managing the Transition
For both Jacintha and Kathleen, communication was the key to managing the process of switching churches.
“It will certainly help if we don’t be hasty and dismissive when our children share such a desire with us. Take time to listen to them,” Kathleen advised.
Melissa, too, found this to be true when the reverse happened—she and her husband were led to serve in another church, but their teenage son wanted to stay because he fitted in with the youth ministry of the current church.
“It wasn’t an easy decision. Nate had already reached an age where we wanted to respect his opinions,” Melissa said. So they took care to listen to his views. “We also let Nate know that we prized his spiritual growth and development, as we took time to pray before settling on our current arrangement.”
The deep, soul-searching conversations also helped Kathleen address another option: whether the whole family should move together with Bernice to the new church. “But we realised this was a much larger issue with many moving pieces,” she said. “For instance, we were already quite rooted in our church. We had commitments that we could not just walk away from.”
What Should Parents Consider?
While families may face unique and different issues, one question many parents may ask is: What does the Bible say? Are there biblical principles or guidelines that parents should consider when their kids want to change church?
“As responsible parents, we must understand that our children are still under our care until they are sufficiently mature to make their own choice and bear its consequences.”
Joshua, a father of two teenagers and the pastor of a local church, noted that there are “push and pull factors” driving this desire. They include wanting to be with friends in another church, challenges with church dynamics, and not being comfortable with worshipping with their parents in the same church, for various reasons.
“But as responsible parents, we must understand that our children are still under our care until they are sufficiently mature to make their own choice and bear its consequences,” he added.
As there are no straightforward measures of maturity—that is, it is hard to link maturity to fixed ages—exercising discernment is vital. Joshua suggested these guidelines:
1. Pray and ask God to direct your conversations and decisions.
2. Find out and understand the real reasons behind your child’s desire to change church.
While some frivolous reasons such as, “I can go to my favourite shopping mall after service”, can be disregarded, others require further consideration. Take time to determine and discern what reasons are valid, and whether there are deeper reasons behind them. For instance, “I have friends there” or “I have no friends here” may signal hidden fears or discomforts, such as a child struggling to fit in with his peers. Or, “their youth programme is so much more exciting” may reflect deeper desires to be engaged.
3. Check out the church that the child wants to attend.
Take time to evaluate the teaching and practices at the new church, and consider whether your child should engage in them by evaluating the doctrines behind them. You can also attend the church to assess its services and ministries that your child might join. This also shows your child that you are genuinely concerned for his or her faith formation.
4. Follow up after decision-making.
Once a decision is made to switch, help your child to be responsible in making any necessary and appropriate “closures” before moving, such as letting ministry leaders know and handing over any current responsibilities. Monitor your child’s development in the new church, too.
5. Continue building your family’s faith at home.
Whichever church your child attends, your God-given role remains: to teach and raise your child in the way of the Lord. Faith formation occurs largely at home—through learning from God’s Word, observation and practice of family and church traditions, exercising of sound reasoning, and reconciliation of experiences to faith. Parents play a crucial role in providing a solid faith foundation for our children, whether or not they attend the same church as their kids.
Whichever church your child attends, your God-given role remains: to teach and raise your child in the way of the Lord.
Ultimately, the parents interviewed hold on to the truth that the church is more than a physical structure, and church attendance goes beyond Dad, Mum, and the kids going to the same church together. Rather, it is about a body of believers coming together to purposefully serve and lift one another up. And if there is a place where their children can find such a body, they rejoice.
As Joshua aptly put it, “What’s important is ensuring a positive faith formation for our children. Whether the decision on changing church is right . . . we won’t know perfectly during the decision-making. However, as parents, we do our part in discerning and praying. What we can be certain is that God can ‘make all things good for those who love Him’ (Romans 8:28).”
