When Batman Returns started screening in 1992, Benny Bong and his wife, Aileen, headed to the cinema—with their then-1-year-old daughter in tow.
The new family sat at a secluded corner of the cinema, Benny recalls, and when Kristin cried, he soothed her by carrying her and pacing along the side aisles of the cinema.
That was 32 years ago, Benny remembers with a chuckle.
When I remarked that it was very brave of him and his wife to bring a toddler to a movie, Benny laughed. “What’s the worst that can happen? The worst is like what happens in church—the toddler starts to be noisy, and you just take a walk out.”
Continuing to go on regular dates was one thing the veteran family and marriage therapist did, to ensure that he and his wife prioritised their marital relationship even after having a child.
Don’t Let Your Marriage “Lag Behind” Parenting
Benny, who has more than 40 years of experience as a therapist, trainer, and consultant, knows how important it is to prioritise marriage even after having children.
“The unfortunate reality is that many people lose their identity after becoming parents,” says Benny, who is also an adjunct lecturer at Singapore Bible College. “Their time, hobbies, and even the food they like all change to suit the interest of their child. But it doesn’t have to be that way.”
“Once we become parents, our whole life can revolve around our children.”
Benny recounted bringing Kristin along to another one of the dates, this time to The Banana Leaf Apollo at Little India, because the couple enjoyed eating Indian food. This was when Kristin was a toddler.
“She sat in a high chair, and we ordered curry for ourselves, and some rice and yogurt on a banana leaf for her,” says the father of one. “So when our food came, there she was, scooping up rice and yogurt with her hands—and enjoying the meal as much as we did!”
Benny’s intentionality in dating his wife was sparked off by a conversation with his then-mentor, the late Anthony Yeo, hailed as Singapore’s “father of counselling”.
He had two pieces of advice for Benny: “Don’t forget to date your wife,” and, “When you’re on a date, don’t talk about the kids. Talk about each other.”
It’s precious advice that has come in handy over the decades, with Benny and Aileen having just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary in 2024.
“It’s a good reminder, because once we become parents, our whole life can revolve around our children,” says Benny. “Even terms of endearment—like calling each other ‘dear’ or ‘honey’—disappear, and are instead replaced by ‘daddy’ or ‘mummy’.”
As such, Benny urges married couples not to let their marriage “lag behind” parenting: “So much of our focus, energy, and time goes into our parenting. How about our marriage? Do we still show interest in one another, and nurture our marriage, as we nurture our children?”
What Needs to Be Fixed
What if some couples feel that they don’t have the energy or time to “invest” in their marriage, as they juggle their work, parenting, family, church, and other responsibilities?
“Feeling tired all the time is not sustainable or healthy in the long run—it’s a signal that something needs to be fixed,” says Benny, who advises couples in such situations to ask themselves questions such as:
- Are there things we need to let go of?
- What can we do to make sure we have a good night’s rest?
- How can we create a situation where we can replenish our energy?
Taking some time off to reconnect with one another could be as simple as sharing a cup of coffee and a slice of cake together while the child naps, for example. “Dates need not be elaborate affairs,” he adds.
“When there’s a strong bond in the marital relationship, the husband and wife can be better partners and co-parents together.”
On the other hand, couples who put their marriage in the backseat to focus on the kids, careers, or even their own passions (and phones) may be doing more harm in the long run.
“It’s not an ‘either-or’ situation—that we focus either on the kids or the marriage. It doesn’t have to be that way,” Benny stresses. “We can do both. After all, when there’s a strong bond in the marital relationship, the husband and wife can be better partners and co-parents together.”
The Biggest Challenges Married Couples Face
As the director and principal consultant of The Family Therapist, a counselling and training agency, Benny has seen hundreds of clients. The most common marital conflicts and challenges, he notes, tend to stem from three main issues:
1 One spouse seeing themselves as superior, and, conversely, the other as inferior
2 Extramarital affairs, whether ongoing or past ones that were left unresolved
3 Clashing parental methods and expectations for their children, such as differing views on studies and achievements
These challenges tend to be broadly the same for both Christian and non-Christian couples, Benny observes. “Just because you are Christian doesn’t mean that you won’t get angry or tempted. We’re all only human—and in this respect, Christian couples are very similar to non-Christian ones.”
Couples are, however, not left alone—as they have God as the third cord in their marriage.
At the same time, Christian couples are different because they have God in their marriage. “When we become a believer, the devil will do all he can to tear us apart (1 Peter 5:8)—and one area he can attack is our relationship with the one nearest and dearest to us,” says Benny.
Couples are, however, not left alone—as they have God as the third cord in their marriage, says Benny, citing Ecclesiastes 4:12: “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Love, Obey, and Forgive, For Better or Worse
At the root of every marital challenge, Benny believes, is our response to God’s instruction to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5: for wives to submit to their husbands (vv. 22–24), and for husbands to love their wives (vv. 25–30).
This first became apparent to Benny as a newlywed. “We married in a traditional Anglican church that stuck to the ‘old’ wording for the wedding vows,” he says. “The word used for ‘submit’ was ‘obey’—something which some Christians can find really difficult to do.”
“Some wives may think: ‘How can I obey my husband when I don’t respect him or understand his logic?’” Benny continues. “Conversely, some husbands may think: ‘How can I love my wife when she’s being so difficult?’”
Yet, Benny is quick to point out that obedience to a husband is not based on whether he is “superior” or inherently worth obeying—but on God’s design for marriage.
“Wives are to first obey God—then obey their husbands. Not because their husbands are better or smarter, but because they want to obey the will of God,” Benny says.
Obedience to a husband is not based on whether he is “superior” or inherently worth obeying—but on God’s design for marriage.
“Likewise, it’s not about loving our wife when it’s easy to love her or because she’s deserving of our love, but even when she’s scolding or chastising us,” he laughs. “We love because it’s in obedience to God’s command, and to reflect God’s own unconditional love towards us humankind.”
Aside from the principles of loving and submitting to one another in marriage, Benny emphasises the importance of forgiveness. “Because marriage is between two fundamentally flawed people, by God’s grace, we can learn to let go of past hurts, with full awareness that we ourselves have first been forgiven by Christ.”
“As Good as It Gets”
For the grandfather of one, what sums up Benny’s approach to marriage over the past four decades is based on the title of a 1997 movie: As Good As It Gets.
“It could always be better—but sometimes, we just need to appreciate our spouse and where we’re at in our marriage.”
“Sometimes, it’s simply recognising that our marriage is good,” Benny says. “Sure, it could be better—it could always be better—but sometimes, we just need to appreciate our spouse and where we’re at in our marriage, being content with what God has given us (see 1 Timothy 6:6).”
Above all, Benny believes, husbands and wives ought to be kind to each other, as Ephesians 4:32 exhorts: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
“These days, there are many expectations placed on us—whether from society, others, or ourselves—and these can really weigh us down,” says Benny. “Or, our spouse may have said or done something wrong. And here is where we can make a difference to them in that moment, by being kind and gracious towards them.”
“After all, our heavenly Father has first given us the ‘immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.’” (Ephesians 2:7, ESV)
3 Practical Tips for Couples to Strengthen Their Marriages
1 Go on regular dates.
It doesn’t have to be anything fancy—and if it’s not possible to have a “child-free” date, bring them along if you need to, says Benny, as long as your attention is on your spouse and you’re doing things the both of you enjoy.
2 Learn to talk and listen well.
Learning to communicate—without being quick to react or getting triggered—is vital for the health of a marriage, says Benny. “We can learn to control our emotions, respond moderately, and come to an agreement when we’re in a conflict—things that no one teaches us, sadly, but which we can practise and learn over time.”
3 Talk about your thanksgivings (see 1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Sometimes, being content with our spouse and marriage simply involves sitting down and asking ourselves what we’re thankful for in one another, says Benny. “Instead of thinking or talking about what we’re unhappy with in our spouse, let’s regularly talk about what we’re grateful for.”
