Amy Chua’s seven-year-old daughter Lulu was struggling to master a difficult piece of classical piano music.
When she gave up, her mother—the well-known author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother—ordered her back to the piano, threatening to dispose of the little girl’s dollhouse if the piece wasn’t perfect by the next day.
The threats continued: no lunch, dinner, or holiday presents—and no birthday parties for several years. Lulu was told to “stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent, and pathetic.”
Her mother became hoarse from yelling. But then suddenly, “out of the blue” as her mother put it, Lulu was able to play the piece beautifully.
Is it okay to harshly and ruthlessly pressure our children to perform if we think the results will benefit them in the long run?
Self-proclaimed “Tiger Mom” Amy Chua’s fierce parenting style suggests it is.
Yet the Bible says, “Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Demanding perfection disheartens our children.
The Danger of Discouragement
Discouragement is toxic to children. In order to learn and grow, kids need to believe they can try new things and succeed.
This starts with tying a shoelace, but becomes more complex as the years pass.
If parents consistently set their expectations too high, children conclude that life is too difficult and that their efforts are meaningless unless they achieve the desired results.
…instead of withholding approval until our children perform well, we can let God’s grace flood our responses to their shortcomings.
They will avoid failure at all costs, and consistently choose the “safe” path, rather than taking risks to honour God and help others. Perhaps, worst of all, children who feel an ongoing sense of discouragement take little joy in their journey through life.
Parents who emphasise the inner attitudes of the heart over success are pointing their children in the right direction.
Children need to understand that sincere effort coupled with a desire to please God in any endeavour is more valuable than winning a prize or staging a perfect performance (Colossians 3:22–23).
Perfection is a burden, not a target.
…we may wrongly expect God to bless us in proportion to our good Christian behaviour.
Affirming a child’s effort with encouraging words can help make this clear. Phrases like, “I’m pleased with your effort today”, “I love you no matter what the outcome may be”, or “Your attitude honours God”, can help keep a child going.
It is possible to get our children to do what we want, but if we use pressure and high expectations to ensure success, we are sacrificing love on the altar of achievement.
What’s Wrong with Achievement?
There is nothing inherently wrong with achievement. Solid effort, which results in reaching goals, is admirable. Achievements can open doors for education, and potentially benefit society.
However, worshipping our children’s achievements can prevent them from developing a godly character.
Should our children live to please us, or to please God?
Let’s revisit Lulu’s situation. Suppose that when she finally played the song perfectly, her mother praised her success all the way until she tucked her into bed that night. Lulu would go to school the next day feeling proud of her accomplishment.
At the next piano concert, however, she would scoff at a little boy who played a simpler song and missed a note, because her performance was flawless.
Lulu’s once tender and innocent soul would now be marred by arrogance, self-reliance, and a desire to please her mother at any cost.
Should our children live to please us, or to please God?
If parents consistently set their expectations too high, children conclude that life is too difficult and that their efforts are meaningless unless they achieve the desired results.
Is it more important for them to rely on their own abilities, or God’s provision and direction? How might a prideful spirit limit God’s work in a child’s life (James 4:6)?
Our greatest joy and privilege as parents is to help our children accept Christ, and grow to be like Him throughout their lives.
We can do this by pointing them to Jesus’ example. He lived to please God, relied on God’s power, and modelled a life of humility (John 6:38; Luke 5:17; Philippians 2:6-8).
To guide our children in this direction, we must stop asking: “What do I want for my child in this situation?” and ask instead “What does God want for my child in this situation?”
How Does God Deal with Us?
Reflecting on our own experiences of God’s grace can help us parent our children. Where would we be if God had treated us harshly until we conformed to His righteous standards for living?
Ultimately, our parenting style should mirror the way our heavenly Father relates to us. “The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:13).
In his book, Transforming Grace, Jerry Bridges writes about the danger of performance-based living as we relate to God.
He says we may wrongly expect God to bless us in proportion to our good Christian behaviour.
Is it okay to harshly and ruthlessly pressure our children to perform if we think the results will benefit them in the long run?
When this happens, we are “living by performance”. In reality, no one can perform well enough spiritually to earn God’s favour. Instead, our relationship to God is based on a humble acceptance of His grace through Jesus Christ.
As Bridges writes, “Jesus paid it all. I mean all. He not only paid for your forgiveness of sins and your ticket to heaven, He purchased every blessing and every answer to prayer you will ever receive. Every one of them—no exceptions.”
We can sink deep into God’s grace. We can ask Him to make us aware of it every day. We can praise Him for it and let it put a smile on our faces.
Then, instead of withholding approval until our children perform well, we can let God’s grace flood our responses to their shortcomings.
Harmony is often hard to achieve when it comes to working with our children. As those who have sampled our heavenly Father’s grace and love, however, we can discipline, train, and teach our children in a way that honours Him. Our children have much to gain when we “clothe [our]selves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience . . . [and above all] with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:14).
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