If you misbehave, the police will catch you.

As a child, I used to wait patiently for the policeman to arrive whenever I misbehaved; however, the man in blue never appeared.

What I had thought was a direct consequence of my misbehaviour was in fact just an empty threat.

Now an adult, I still encounter this statement being used on young children. Such a statement might have been used to instil fear in other young children, but it didn’t work in my case.

The Difference Between Threats and Consequences

Imagine a desperate parent or grandparent frantically calling upon the policeman or any other intimidating figure to stop a child from misbehaving. 

If the threat succeeds in scaring the child into compliance, its effects are likely short-lived. If the child fails to comply and the threat is not carried out, they tend to lose their effect on a child and diminish a parent’s authority over time.

A loving parent who desires a child to live wisely would take the time to explain to the child the consequences of his or her actions. 

Parents who are stressed and emotional also tend to issue such threats in an unpredictable fashion, and this can cause a child to become less secure and confident.

I endeavoured to avoid using such threats after I noticed my oldest son threatening my youngest son one day.

“If you don’t finish your dinner quickly, I won’t play with you later.” In order that we could leave in time for a movie jaunt, the older boy had resorted to threats in his desperation to convince the younger boy to finish his dinner quickly. 

In contrast to threats, consequences are enforceable and predictable.

When I chided my oldest son, he reminded me that I had used threats on him too. It really stung me to realise that my son had learnt such an undesirable habit from me. 

I often used “If you do not” statements when the boys were not following my instructions. My voice could be loud and harsh during those times. I took a step back and explained to him the difference between threats and consequences. 

If you do not complete your homework now, you will have less play time later. (consequence)

If you do not share with your brother, he might not share with you in future. (consequence)

If you don’t share the toy with me, I won’t share my snacks with you. (threat)

In contrast to threats, consequences are enforceable and predictable. 

A loving parent who desires a child to live wisely would take the time to explain to the child the consequences of his or her actions. This can only cause the child to grow in security and understanding.

Children Absorb What We Say

Another lesson I have learnt is that parents are the most important people in their children’s lives during the formative ages. Our children are constantly absorbing what we say and observing how we say it. 

Before they attend school, we are their only role models, and they learn everything about life from us.

During a recent overseas trip with our three sons, my husband and I had a disagreement and were at loggerheads. So as to prevent our quarrel from escalating, we sat down in the hotel room and shared our unhappiness with each other. 

Our children are constantly absorbing what we say and observing how we say it. 

It was tense, but both of us spoke calmly. We clarified, came to a resolution, and sought forgiveness.

Throughout the whole conversation, my oldest son was sitting next to us and listening intently (this was unavoidable since the five of us were sharing only one hotel room). I used this episode to share an important lesson with my oldest son later about the value of skills such as negotiation, empathy, and problem-solving during an argument.

Wisdom From the Book Of Proverbs

When it comes to resolving disagreements and diffusing anger, the book of Proverbs has much to say about the choice of words. Here are three wise instructions from Proverbs that I’m learning with my sons: 

1. Refrain From Belittling Words

Whoever belittles his neighbour lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent (Proverbs 11:12 ESV).

My three sons quibble a lot during their playtime. Sometimes, they can say some pretty nasty words to each other.

You are always so naughty!
You don’t know anything!
You are always messing things. I don’t like to play with you!
You are so lousy!

When such words are exchanged, a fight or an emotional meltdown usually ensues. 

As parents, we want to eradicate any superiority complex or know-it-all attitude that hinders them from loving and accepting others who are different from them.

The boys involved in the quarrel would then be made to spend quality time with each other, such as reading a book or doing a puzzle together, under the watchful eyes of their father. 

The battle against belittling words is long and drawn-out, but a necessary one. 

As parents, we want to eradicate any superiority complex or know-it-all attitude that hinders them from loving and accepting others who are different from them. 

2. Refrain From Angry Words

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1 ESV).

Anger runs deep in our family. 

In the past, I blew my top whenever the boys messed up the house due to their clumsiness. For example, their impatient jostling might have sent a bowl of duck rice diving to the floor; a swing of an elbow might have sent a bowl of cereal with milk cascading down onto the cushioned chairs and floor. 

Often, after a meal, the floor was would be generously coated with breadcrumbs and rice grains to the delight of the bustling ants. My seething frustration during those moments either sent the boys wailing either in fear or anger.

Over time, I have learnt that a gentle rather than an explosive response yields more cooperation. Now, I simply respond firmly: Get the cleaning tools and clear the mess. 

The boys now clean up their mess without being told.

I remember my mother used to holler, “Am I your servant?”, whenever my siblings and I neglected our chores. I had caught myself asking my sons the same question a few times. 

I have learnt that a gentle rather than an explosive response yields more cooperation.

Sadly, they failed to understand the purpose of my asking this question, which was to elicit some sympathy and empathy for my daily grind. I feared that they would come to the mistaken conclusion that if mum was doing most of the chores, she must be the SERVANT! 

My husband introduced a gentler and more biblical notion: In our family, there are no kings or queens, only servants. I was astounded by the effect this statement had on the family; it reminded everyone of their duty to serve one another. 

On most days now, the boys remember to do their chores without expecting to be served. 

3. Use Comforting Words

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body (Proverbs 16: 24 ESV).

Whenever the boys get into a brawl and one of them is injured, the aggressor would quickly present his story with rather exaggerated emotions (flailing arms and heavy sobs) to convince us of his innocence. 

My husband and I would remind them to first check on the one who has been hurt and offer comforting words: Are you all right? Where are you hurt? Do you need help?

Our children will be a greater blessing to others if they can use their words to encourage, and not intimidate; connect, and not disconnect; build up, and not tear down. 

Recently, a similar incident happened again. Although no one was injured, my youngest son, who was emotionally wounded by his brothers, threw a tantrum and started throwing pillows and books. 

Surprisingly, my oldest son went to him and asked, “Can I help you?” Immediately, my youngest son brightened up and returned the pillows and books with my oldest son’s help. 

Comforting words are powerful; they bring about healing and, in this case, defuse anger.

Choosing the right words to speak to my sons and encouraging them to speak wisely, continues to be one of the greatest challenges I have as a parent. Such challenges bring me to my knees, to call upon our heavenly Father for help to train them in the way they should speak. 

Our children will be a greater blessing to others if they can use their words to encourage, and not intimidate; connect, and not disconnect; build up, and not tear down.