My husband and I have been married for 17 years now. In the early years of our marriage, we often clashed over different issues, from the little things—such as when one of us said something nasty or dismissive to the other—to the bigger things—like agreeing how to manage our together-time versus me-time. The list goes on.
Our different conflict styles meant that every storm resulted in my “charging” at him like a demanding and unrelenting rhinoceros, and him retreating and “stonewalling”, closing himself off from me, which often led me to spiral in a storm of negative emotions.
There wasn’t much submitting and loving going on, just a whole lot of demanding and accusing.
At that point in our lives, if you were to take a health check of our marriage based on the biblical yardstick of Ephesians 5:22–33, we would have failed miserably: “Wives, submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. . . . Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” (vv. 22, 25)
There wasn’t much submitting and loving going on, just a whole lot of demanding and accusing.
The Fragility of Marriage
Increasingly, marriage feels more and more fragile as an institution. The number of marriages ending in divorce has increased steadily over the years.
In 2023, close to three in 10 divorces in Singapore comprised couples who were married for just five to nine years. Those who were wedded for less than five years formed the second-largest group.
While marriages break down for many reasons, a common one is conflict and communication issues. At Focus on the Family Singapore, where I work, the majority of counselling cases that we see are people seeking help for their marriage.
So, how satisfied are believers in particular when it comes to their marriages? And, is there anything we can do to better buffer against the stresses and challenges of a shared life together?
How Satisfied are Married Couples?
Last year, we surveyed over 280 married adults across three churches, to find out how satisfied they were with their marriages.
Our survey was based on 10 traits of a healthy marriage, first identified by veteran marital counsellors Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, after researching and working with married couples in the US.
Some of our findings were shared at our recent State of the Family, a gathering for church leaders to discuss the impact of marriages and parent-child relationships on the next generation. The following were some of our insights:
1. Most Christian married couples polled are satisfied with their marriages.
We gave respondents four statements on their marital satisfaction, and asked them to score themselves on each statement. The higher the total score, the greater the sense of satisfaction.
Research suggests that those with scores of 13.5 and below tend to have an increased risk of marital distress—in other words, they may experience significant challenges communicating, dealing with problems, and working together in their marriage.
Our research, thankfully, found that most polled were satisfied with their relationships, with six in 10 scoring 14 and above.
2. But . . . wives are less satisfied with their marriages, compared with husbands.
However, our survey also found that more wives (48 percent) than husbands (30 percent) scored 13 and below. This indicates that wives tend to feel less satisfied with their marriages than husbands.
One reason could be that the load of running a household still tends to fall more on a woman’s shoulders, from cooking to helping kids with homework. It could also be that women may have higher expectations than men about married life, such as having their emotional needs met by their spouse.
How Married Couples Are Doing Well—and Not So Well
Aside from polling the respondents on how satisfied they are in their marriages, we also surveyed them on their marriage traits or qualities.
We found that the strongest trait for most of these couples is that of maintaining lifelong commitment to one another. The value of “till death do us part” echoes the biblical mandate in Genesis 2:24: “A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
It is assuring that a majority of married believers still hold fast to the biblical principle that marriage is for life, despite the increase in divorces around us.
On the other hand, the weakest trait for most of the married adults polled was conflict management. This is perhaps unsurprising, as disagreements and conflicts are a common pain point in most intimate relationships. The concern, however, is that many people do not have the skills to manage and resolve conflicts effectively in their marriage.
The weakest trait for most of the married adults polled was conflict management.
We also found that husbands and wives differed most on their views on shared responsibility, which refers to how responsibilities such as caregiving and chores are shared in the home. (No prizes for guessing which of the sexes had more complaints about this!)
What This Means for Married Couples
God’s design for marriage is good. The day-to-day reality, however, is that it takes hard work. While most married believers polled were satisfied with their marriages, there are areas where they can improve.
Couples can do better in resolving both new and longstanding issues that crop up along the way of a shared life together—whether those issues are to do with relating to one another and expressing how they feel, discussing responsibilities around the house, or sharing their needs and preferences on sex and intimacy.
They can take a marital “health check” to find out the areas that they can grow in. Whether we have been married two years or 22, being aware of our blind spots can help us acquire important skills to strengthen our marriages.
For example, couples can speak to a biblical marital counsellor or church leader, who can help them identify weaknesses and work through issues in their marriages.
Whether we’ve been married two years or 22, being aware of our blind spots can help us acquire important skills to strengthen our marriages.
There are, however, couples seeking advice but who may not feel ready to speak to a third party. For this, Focus on the Family runs a free online podcast that explores commonly-asked questions on marriage, communication, conflict, and more.
There are also plenty of other free resources—be it articles, videos, and interviews—where we can pick up both practical and biblical marriage tips and advice.
Churches can also use our marriage assessment tool to help their members understand the health of their marriages, and learn how to build a better relationship with their spouses.
Simple Things Couples Can Do Today
By God’s grace, my husband and I survived that tumultuous season in our marriage. Like butterflies emerging from an overly tight and stifling cocoon, we learnt to dance together, tentative at first, sharing bits of our emotions when things were calm, learning the ropes of each other’s expectations, wants and needs, and growing in a safe community of friends and mentors.
One concrete thing we started doing was to have a “debrief”, or review, at the end of every conflict. During these sessions, we would share what it was that really bothered or upset us. We used the format: “When you [action/statement], I felt [emotion].” This simple exercise—which focused more on sharing and clarifying how we felt, rather than blaming the other—really helped both of us to understand what we did that was unacceptable or unloving to the other.
Some other things we can do include:
- Praying for God to humble us, and seeking His wisdom for our marriage (see James 1:5, 3:17).
- Choosing every moment, conversation, and day to “walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:2, ESV).
- Setting aside time to empathise with our spouse, by being “quick to listen [and] slow to speak” (James 1:19). This means that we refrain from jumping in to solve their problems, instead giving them the space to share their thoughts and feelings. It also means putting ourselves in their shoes, to connect with them emotionally and understand what they need.
- Practising forgiveness, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13, ESV).
Our experience shows that a little insight and intentionality can go a long way in building a strong, thriving marriage that lasts the distance.
Let’s commit our marriages to the Lord, ask Him for His help and grace to love and submit to one another, and work in unity and oneness to resolve conflicts, for His glory.
