
When my wife and I were preparing to get married, our pastor recommended marriage books we could read together, written by experienced married authors with grown-up children.
But what might a bachelor who lived in the 4th century have to say about marriage and parenting—and how practical would his words be for us today?
As a huge church history nerd, I first came across a collection of John Chrysostom’s sermons in a book entitled On Marriage and Family Life when I was looking for patristic resources (basically Christian stuff written in AD 300–400).
“John the Golden-Mouthed”, who lived from 347–407, was so named because of his eloquent sermons and biblical insights. He studied law but gave up a potentially lucrative career to dedicate himself to prayer and Scripture, renouncing not only marriage but all the luxuries the world could offer him.
Eventually, he became a pastor, tending to one of the largest churches in the Byzantine-Roman capital of Constantinople (now known as Istanbul).
As a newly-married man, here are four truths from his book that resonated with me:
1. A happy household doesn’t need to have it all.
Just like Singapore today, Constantinople was a hotbed of commercial activity and freewheeling materialism. Such materialism was readily apparent in John’s congregation: from marrying for money to a more subtle form of pursuing good appearances at the expense of attention to the inward condition.
Even if couples succeeded in looking physically attractive, John warns, such appearances would soon count for less over time.
Likewise, he speaks against such displays of excessive wealth in married life, particularly when it comes to decorating homes and hosting people. He writes: “Furnish your house neatly and soberly . . . If you are inclined to entertain and give dinner parties, there should be nothing immodest or excessive about them.”
“Praise, hatred, and even love based on outward beauty come from impure souls. Seek beauty of soul, and imitate the Bridegroom of the Church.”
At the same time, John is quick to remind us that there’s nothing inherently wrong with parties or wealth, as long as they are used for the right purpose and with the right perspective. “Let not the riches be lost,” he writes, “but that frame of mind that doesn’t know how to use money, but holds it higher in esteem than all other things.”
“Praise, hatred, and even love based on outward beauty come from impure souls,” he writes elsewhere. “Seek beauty of soul, and imitate the Bridegroom of the Church.”
This reminded me of a recently married couple I knew, who, as part of renovations to their resale flat, had their living room tailored to accommodate frequent gatherings of their cell group for Bible study and conversation. The space wasn’t huge, but they made hospitality and the sharing of God’s Word in their home a priority.
Would we, too, consider what things we get to do for God’s people, especially the lonely and the less fortunate, with the resources God has given us?
2. We should encourage our kids to be Bible nerds—starting with us.
Lest we think that a preoccupation with kids’ grades is a thing only of the present, an overemphasis on schooling was something John noticed and critiqued even in his day.
“We are so concerned with our children’s schooling; if only we were equally zealous in bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord! . . . I don’t mean that worldly learning is worthless and to be ignored, but it should not be an exclusive preoccupation. Don’t think that only monks need to learn the Bible; children about to go out into the world stand in greater need of scriptural knowledge” (emphasis added).
In other words, he argues that it is essential that our kids, who are exposed daily to the clash between the world’s values and Christ’s values, be equipped with all that God’s Word has to say about the challenges they will face.
I can imagine, however, how hard it might be to do devotions with kids. While I haven’t been blessed with one of my own yet, I see the children of my peers squirming in pews at church, wandering up and down the aisles, and staring at the ceiling when Scripture is being read. How much harder it might be to hold their attention at home, where they are surrounded by favourite toys or gadgets!
But my wife and I hope to stay the course in bringing whatever we know about the Bible to our children. Even if we only get to read a verse or two to them, sing one stanza of a kids’ song to them, or pray the Lord’s Prayer with them, we can be confident that God can use these little things to teach His children about Jesus, who loves them and can offer them more than the world can ever give.
In the meantime, John gives parents another way to teach their children about Jesus. Even if direct instruction doesn’t work, dads and mums can teach their kids by setting a godly example.
John observes that children generally “love the same things their parents love” and “talk in the same fashion”. Parents should, therefore, “pray together at home and go to church; when you come back home, let each [spouse] ask the other the meaning of the readings and the prayers.” In doing so, parents might be able to impress upon their children God’s ways and words (Deuteronomy 6:7).
Even if direct instruction doesn’t work, dads and mums can teach their kids by setting a godly example.
Reading this made me reflect on what my wife and I do on our commute home from church, for example. Do we talk about what we had learnt from the sermon, or how grateful we were for Christ’s sacrifice, exhibited to us in the bread and the cup?
Quite sheepishly, I could only recall thinking about a video I intended to watch, or musings about the pastry I wanted to eat back at home. I noticed, on the other hand, that my wife would usually capture a picture of the reflection questions my pastor had put out on that week’s sermon.
What was that, if not a golden opportunity to ask her what she thought of “the readings and the prayers”, as John had suggested? Discussing the sermon with our spouse may not be the most natural topic of conversation in the world to us, but with practice, perhaps we could make it part of our regular Sunday habits.
And God willing, our future children would watch and learn from our example in knowing Christ—and become Bible nerds and lovers of God themselves.
3. The Bible gives us wisdom for getting along as husband and wife.
In any marriage, learning to live with the faults or eccentricities of your spouse is a lifelong endeavour, as many of us might know by now. For couples living under the same roof for so many years, “bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2) can be especially difficult.
I was surprised by John’s precise applications of the gospel, imbued with the logic of common sense. First, he encourages us to look to the example of Christ to see how small our sacrifices really are in light of what Jesus has done for the church.
Addressing husbands in particular, he writes: “Even if it becomes necessary for you to give your life for [your wife] . . . you will never have done anything equal to what Christ has done.”
If we’ve received God’s forgiveness, can we, with a good conscience, refuse to let go of the little things that may crop up in life together?
Even though Jesus had every reason to turn His back on us—to leave us estranged from God and mired in the consequences of our own sins—He instead gave His life for us.
If we’ve received God’s forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice on our behalf, can we, with a good conscience, refuse to let go of the little things that may crop up in life together with someone whom we have promised to love all our lives? Surely we could afford to show patience when there are differences in preference, or forbearance in the face of persistent slip-ups?
John doesn’t stop at teaching married couples what to do when conflicts arise. He even goes so far as to give them tips on how to nip arguments and dissent in the bud.
Near the end of a sermon on Ephesians 5:22–23, in which he discusses the husband’s role as spiritual leader of the family, John astutely writes: “Whenever you give your wife advice, always begin by telling her how much you love her.”
Elsewhere, he writes: “Esteem [your wife] in the presence of your friends and children . . . Never call her by her name alone, but with terms of endearment, honour, and love.”
When I read some of these to my wife, she laughed, which I took to be a sign of approval.
4. God made marriage indispensable.
Finally, but most importantly, John’s writings reminded me of this obvious—but often forgotten—truth.
To be sure, I don’t mean that God made marriage indispensable for every single person. All of us can be complete in and of ourselves. Men and women don’t need to be married to find fulfilment or do God’s work. Just ask the apostle Paul, or look at Jesus himself, who never married.
But even John, our bachelor, spoke effusively of the blessings that God bestows through marriage. To him, marriage was of utmost importance, not only for the married couple but also for the human race.
“The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together.”
If there had been only men or only women, John says, God’s first command to mankind could never have been fulfilled: to “be fruitful and increase in number”, and to “fill the earth” with bearers of His own image (Genesis 1:28).
Men and women need each other to obey this command, he argues: “[God] did not . . . fashion woman independently from man; otherwise man would think of her as essentially different from himself. Nor did he enable woman to bear children without man; if this were the case, she would be self-sufficient.”
On top of this, John believed that marriage was essential for the cohesion and flourishing of human society, pointing to the example of men enlisting in military service for the security of their wives and families.
“The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together,” he writes. “Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love.”
I’ll try bearing this in mind the next time I attend a cycle of reservist training!
Re-enacting the Gospel in Your Family
These four truths have shown me that the Bible remains—and always will remain—relevant to our relationships, with our spouse, and with our children.
While John Chrysostom was a bachelor all his life, he cared a great deal about marriage and raising kids. He knew that marriage was a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church, which each and every Christian is involved in—including you and me.
And, this bachelor’s words echo through the centuries to us today. May we seize this opportunity to re-enact the story of the gospel for the world to witness, and for our children to carry on to the next generation.