In recent years, we’ve seen bullying cases that have made the headlines. From name-calling to physical fights, such bullying behaviours can—unfortunately—be an all-too-common experience among children (and even adults).
As parents, what are the signs of bullying we should look out for—and how we can we make sense of it with our children through the lens of God’s Word?
The Shape of Bullying
According to Koh Ai Jin, a registered counsellor and psychotherapist in private practice, bullying can be defined as acts that physically or emotionally hurt a more vulnerable person, and which are carried out by someone perceived as more powerful or aggressive.
Such acts are not always performed intentionally, she stresses, especially when the perpetrators are young children themselves. “Children who have not learned to manage their aggressive impulses will simply act them out,” she explains.
Bullying can manifest in different ways—whether it’s physical or verbal, or whether it’s an isolated act or behavioural pattern. Physical bullying could come in the form of being hit, punched, or shoved; while verbal bullying could take the form of hurtful speech, unfair statements, or vulgar language—whether offline or online.
“Children who have not learned to manage their aggressive impulses will simply act them out.”
Ai Jin, a mother to three teenagers, points out that Scripture highlights the way words can tear others down, such as Proverbs 18:21, which states that “the tongue has the power of life and death”.
“There can also be group behaviour to ostracise a particular child,” Ai Jin adds. For example, this could be with the aim of forcing another child to do something against his will, or damaging a child’s belongings such as drawing on his uniform or tearing up his books, she says, citing examples she has come across before. Laughing and mocking are also common accompanying behaviours that can exacerbate bullying situations, says Ai Jin.
Bullying happens when someone stronger hurts someone weaker.
That being said, it can be difficult to draw the line between what bullying is and what it isn’t. Ai Jin, who has worked as a counsellor for over a decade, cautions that no single definition can account for every instance of bullying.
We can, however, look at the impact on the victim when determining whether bullying has taken place, such as if he shows signs of anxiety and social withdrawal.
For example, if a child’s self-esteem has been wounded by someone’s cutting remark, that counts as bullying. If, on the other hand, he can brush it off and isn’t affected by it, it may not necessarily be counted as such. In other words, bullying happens when someone stronger hurts someone weaker.
Who Might Be a Target?
Ai Jin believes that most children are vulnerable to bullying in some way, due to their developing minds and sense of morality.
“Younger children may not be mature enough to know what bullying is,” Ai Jin explains. “Sometimes, they cannot tell apart what is right and what is wrong, cognitively.”
This tendency can prevent children from informing their parents that they have been bullied—which might make it harder for them to get the support they need, in turn making them even more susceptible to bullying.
“Younger children may not be mature enough to know what bullying is.”
Children may also have difficulty seeing themselves as being bullied, Ai Jin says. “They just know something is not nice and that they’re hurt by it. But kids can easily gloss over things like that.”
As they grow older, some children may also withhold such information from their parents because they see it as part and parcel of life, and something they can handle themselves.
Children with low self-esteem, or more sensitive or introverted personalities, also tend to be more vulnerable than others, she believes. Such children may develop the habit of uncritically accepting the way things are, even when they have been wronged. “They esteem the other person’s words over their own feelings,” says Ai Jin.
Is My Child Being Bullied?
As parents, how can we find out if our children are being bullied and to get them the help they need?
Ai Jin stresses the importance of constant communication and knowing what is happening in our children’s lives.
Persevere in communication, even before bullying has become apparent.
Due to their age and vulnerability, younger children may not immediately share that they have been bullied as they may need time to make sense of what they’re feeling, such as fear or helplessness. It might even take multiple conversations before your children realise that they have been bullied or know that they have been wronged.
Because of this, Ai Jin counsels us to persevere in communication, even before bullying has become apparent: “It is not easy to tell unless you already have regular conversations with your child. You might then hear your child sharing what happens in their day and then you might get a glimpse of them being bullied.”
These glimpses can come through non-verbal cues as well. You may detect a change in your child’s behaviour, such as an uncharacteristic sullenness or malaise, or unexplainable bouts of irritation and frustration. “Then you might want to check in if everything is okay at school,” Ai Jin suggests.
What Can I Do Without Making Things Worse?
While Ai Jin cautions that bullying is a complex phenomenon with no one-size-fits-all solution, some general tips may apply:
1. Teach our children how to identify bullying.
We can also teach them to inform us immediately if they find themselves on the receiving end of such behaviour.
“Children need an adult voice to identify the exact transgression that took place and to tell them that their negative feelings produced by bullying—such as fear and helplessness—are legitimate, but that they shouldn’t have been made to feel that way,” Ai Jin says.
“Children need an adult voice to tell them that their negative feelings produced by bullying are legitimate, but that they shouldn’t have been made to feel that way.”
2. Teach our children ways to respond to the bullying.
We can teach our kids to ignore the bullying—sometimes, the bully may enjoy provoking a strong response. Another way could be teaching them to speak assertively, using phrases like “Stop that!” or “I don’t like it”.
“Failing which, the child may want to take it to the teacher,” says Ai Jin, cautioning that parents may want to avoid intervening if their child is in their teenage years, unless the bullying is severe.
If your child is being bullied over a digital platform such as an online game, simply asking him to log off can prevent the situation from becoming worse.
Finally, as bullied children can develop unhealthy ways of thinking because of the damage done to their self-esteem, we can help them to identify any unhelpful thoughts or emotions about themselves, and to encourage them with what God’s Word says about them and their situation (see Romans 8:35–39; Lamentations 3:22–23; Isaiah 40:31).
We can help them to identify any unhelpful thoughts or emotions about themselves, and to encourage them with what God’s Word says about them and their situation.
Nevertheless, Ai Jin also encourages parents not to hesitate to seek professional help or counselling, should the need arise.
What If My Child Is Bullying Others?
Some of us may even find ourselves in the unfortunate situation of witnessing our own child bully another. Ai Jin recalls how Genesis 8:21 shows that human nature is prone to sin, for “every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood.”
In such situations, she encourages parents to remain calm, and to avoid blaming themselves or jumping to the conclusion that their child is a bully. Automatically labelling younger children as bullies might be unhelpful, she believes, as some might not be mature enough to understand the consequences of their actions.
A better approach might be to call out unacceptable conduct as “bullying behaviours”. “Recognise that their behaviour needs to be addressed,” she says. “But be understanding of your child’s developing self.”
“They are just children—they will behave the way they feel and think at the moment without consideration for further consequences,” says Ai Jin, who advises us to “help your child understand where their behaviour comes from and why such behaviour is not good—it causes hurt and harm.”
“Recognise that their behaviour needs to be addressed, but be understanding of your child’s developing self.”
Instead, parents can teach their children more appropriate or acceptable ways of behaving. For example, they can address the reasons behind their behaviour, and impress upon them what kind speech and behaviour look like. “When you help them see how their actions can affect others,” she says, “they can grow empathy and develop care and consideration for others.”
Meanwhile, Ai Jin thinks that any discipline, if meted out, ought to be age-appropriate. For example, while younger children could be disciplined with timeouts or withdrawing privileges, older children might respond better if parents sat down to talk with them about what happened and to reason with them.
Comfort in the Face of Bullying
Given time, she says, children who have been hurt can recover, especially when they know that their parents care and that steps have been taken to resolve the matter.
As parents, we have an important role in demonstrating to them God’s love and comfort, as 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 exhorts us to: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
For example, we can patiently listen to our children share about their feelings and take part in activities they enjoy together with them. Besides relieving their stress and tension, this can teach them healthy coping strategies, which in turn can enable them to grow in resilience.
As parents, we have an important role in demonstrating to them God’s love and comfort.
“Parents are like their child’s mirror,” she says. She suggests that parents identify things that their kids are good at and actively seek opportunities to praise them for their strengths. “This will give their child a sense of security and a growing sense of self-esteem.”
More than that, we can affirm our children as beloved children of God—and what better source for such affirmation than the Word of God?
You created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
—Psalm 139:13–16
