Dads, how much time do you spend with your children every day? And when you do, what do they see you do or say?
A study conducted across 12 countries found that fathers spent less than an hour with their children each day. In Thailand, dads spent around 12 minutes, while in Hong Kong, it was just six.
I suspect that many of us fathers in Singapore might be spending about the same amount of time with our kids as our Asian counterparts.
What our children become depends, to a large extent, on our involvement—or lack of involvement with them.
Give Us This Day 15
Get our latest family resource!
Our latest resource, Give Us This Day 15 is now available.Get a copy
Every month, we roll out a new resource for parents and children. To find out about these offers, why not subscribe to our email updates? Stay informed about the latest resources available, and be the first to get a copy!
Why Your Kids Need You
We all know what the research says about the impact of fathers on their offspring. When dads are physically absent, studies show that their children are more likely to engage in juvenile delinquency when they grow up, such as smoking, drinking, drugs, stealing, pornography, and sexual activities.
What our children become depends, to a large extent, on our involvement—or lack of involvement with them.
On the flipside, there are many psycho-emotional benefits that come with greater paternal involvement. In her book, Parenting Together, author and researcher Diane Ehrensaft lists seven of these. They include children having a more secure sense of trust—which is foundational to healthy development; better discrimination skills, such as discerning who can best meet their needs; and greater creativity and moral development.
What Scripture Says about Fathering
Beyond the array of benefits that will enable our children to grow more holistically and healthily, a final impetus for greater paternal involvement is none other than the biblical injunctions to do so.
In the Bible, we see the father depicted as the head and leader of the family. Right from the first book of the Bible, God chose Abraham for this role to “direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just” (Genesis 18:19).
God had chosen Abraham, the father, for this particular responsibility of guiding his family to obey God’s ways. By doing so, his descendants would be a blessing to the world, thereby fulfilling God’s promise to him (v. 18).
In the Bible, we see the father depicted as the head and leader of the family.
Moreover, in a patriarchal setting, God’s commands are often addressed to the men first, and charges them with the major responsibility of spiritual teaching and training. In the well-known Deuteronomy passage on parenting, God instructs fathers: “These commands that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6:4–9).
Similarly, much of the book of Proverbs is essentially a father conversing with his son, imparting wisdom and instructing his son about matters of life and living. For example, in Proverbs 4, the psalmist exhorts his sons to listen to his teaching on living rightly in God’s sight—which he himself had learned from his father (v. 3–4).
In a society that tends to take us away from the most important of human relationships, I am also convinced that if families are to endure, then fathers, in particular, must turn their hearts towards home.
It is interesting to note that in the very last verse of the last chapter of the last book of the Old Testament, Malachi 4:6, we read: “He [God] will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers” (ESV).
If families are to endure, then fathers, in particular, must turn their hearts towards home.
Why Many Fathers Don’t Know How to Father
Of course, it’s not so simple to put all this into practice. Unfortunately, many fathers simply don’t know how to be a good father.
For a start, many of us might lack a good paternal model, if we did not have a positive experience with our own fathers. My father was negligent and non-communicative. Yours may be the same, and some may be even worse—harsh and hostile, or aggressive and abusive.
Many of us might lack a good paternal model, if we did not have a positive experience with our own fathers.
Many of us also struggle with the expectation of being the key provider for the family, which can take a toll. With the lasting effects of the pandemic and the current economic situation, many fathers have to work doubly hard to keep our jobs or our businesses afloat. And by the time we return home, there’s not much left in terms of energy, creativity, patience, and gentleness to relate meaningfully or deeply with our spouses and children, both physically or emotionally.
Because of this, our wives may have taken on the lion’s share of caring for our children. Some of us may also find it difficult to connect emotionally with our kids; men in general are not particularly wired or attuned to our own feelings—much less to others, including those of our own family’s.
The ‘How’ of Fathering
While we might know why we need to father our children well, some of us might wonder: “Well, what do I need to do as a father? How can I best father my children?”
These questions bring us to the heart and art of fathering. The what of fathering is hard to specify, simply because all of us are different—in terms of our ability, personality, and time availability, as well as our children’s personality, interests, and stage of development.
Of course, some things might be more obvious, such as having regular family devotions, bringing our young children to parks and playgrounds, and teaching them life skills like cycling. (I personally think an annual family vacation would be great to have, too!)
Yet, more important than the what of fathering is the how. Biblical principles are clear in this respect, as the familiar verse of Ephesians 6:4 (ESV) notes:
The Revised English Bible translates it as: “Do not goad your children to resentment.” In Colossians 3:21, Paul repeats this instruction in a slightly different way: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
In these two verses, Paul’s specific address to the fathers is notably couched in the negative. Perhaps he understands our proclivity to be impatient! Consider, for example, how often we raise our voices or lift our hands when disciplining our kids.
It’s also a pity that we tend towards focusing on our children’s mistakes instead of affirming and encouraging them. These negative approaches inevitably lead to exasperation, bitterness, and resentment.
Tender and Loving Discipleship
Paul, however, does not rest content with his negative instruction for fathers not to provoke their children to anger. In the second half of Ephesians 6:4, he complements it with a positive exhortation: “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (ESV).
The term “bring them up” simply means “to nourish or feed,” like what we do for our bodies. The great Reformer, John Calvin, translates this as “let them be fondly cherished”; while the Puritan commentator, William Hendriksen, has it as “rear them tenderly.”
Here is an understanding—centuries before modern psychology came into being—that emphasises the importance of a father’s tender and loving disposition towards his children as they grow up.
How, then, should we nurture or bring up our children? Paul says, “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Instruction refers primarily to verbal education, like talking, teaching, warning, reasoning, and persuading.
On the other hand, the word discipline, from which we get disciple, means training in proper conduct and behaviour. In the context of following Christ, a disciple is essentially one who learns from, emulates, and follows Jesus, His teachings, and His way of life.
Here is an understanding that emphasises the importance of a father’s tender and loving disposition towards his children as they grow up.
I cannot find a better definition or description than this. It brings us to the heart of fathering (and parenting)—discipleship in God’s ways.
The question before us, then, is this: How much time are we spending with our children, to disciple them in Christ’s ways and words?
How are our children learning from, emulating, and following us, as we follow after Christ? How are our children’s lives and character being shaped into that of Christ’s, as we seek to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4)?
How much time are we spending with our children, to disciple them in Christ’s ways and words?
Paul Tournier, a Christian psychiatrist and one of my favourite authors, has this to say:
Fathers, God has chosen you—not an educator, not a Sunday school teacher—to raise your children in His ways. This means setting aside time to spend with them, relating to them in love and tenderness, and discipling them in how you live and speak so that their eyes are lifted to Christ.
Let us turn our hearts to our children this day by giving them our time and nourishing them, not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. Our children need to hear, see, and touch us!
Fathers, God has chosen you—not an educator, not a Sunday school teacher—to raise your children in His ways.
