Andre sat opposite me sipping his cup of tea; it had been six months since he was referred to me. He said little over the phone, and then, more pertinently, said nothing when I asked what he needed from me.
Andre sounded like he had checked out of his marriage but did not want to be the one to say it. Saying little was safe, but saying nothing was safer, for now at least.
He took me back to April and May of 2020, a month into the “circuit breaker” implemented in the midst of the Covid-19 crisis. His wife of eight years then, Melissa, and their two children were holed up in their 65 sqm flat.
By the end of April 2022, he realised that she was increasingly unhappy, while he was getting frustrated.
“It felt like she was a completely different person,” he shared. “I spent the entire April realising that the woman whom I was living with was intolerable and insufferable. She was never like that before.”
They fought so frequently, he shared, that he could not believe they actually survived to see the circuit breaker lifted. There were many pressures: their kids had home-based learning and needed attention, their computers could not seem to cope, the Internet was intermittent and slow, and they could not afford to buy better computers.
“Did Covid-19 finally expose the fault lines resulting from years of neglect in the marriage that you have both successfully covered up with work, life, children, and even church?”
“Melissa simply blamed me for not having enough,” said Andre. “Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money . . . I was not enough.”
“Covid-19 ruined my marriage,” he finally proclaimed.
A Common Challenge
Andre’s predicament is more common than you might expect. In my course of work—I deal with break-ups—the last few years have seen an increase in divorces, many triggered by the Covid-19 restrictions.
The circuit breaker was a tipping point for many couples, who had the time to take stock of their own relationships. Having no cafes to hop to over the weekends, no weekend brunches, no after-work drinks, they were forced to ask themselves if they could really live with the same person for the rest of their lives.
“Did Covid-19 finally expose the fault lines resulting from years of neglect in the marriage that you have both successfully covered up with work, life, children, and even church?” I asked Andre.
The Covid-19 safety measures, I suggested, had removed the distractions that took him and his wife away from their boredom, dissatisfaction, and loneliness at home. That left them to finally face the reality of the state of their relationship.
Andre didn’t seem to disagree. But he began to tell me about how he and his wife had met, how they dreamt of the loveliest family, how they had been inseparable, and how that had changed when they got busy, then busier with the arrival of the children. Then the fights began.
Andre was in his late thirties, with young children. He made it obvious that he wanted to save his marriage, but I remained dissatisfied with his eagerness.
“Why do you want to save your marriage?” I asked.
“Because my family is important to me and I love my family,” he uttered.
“Then it is not enough to save your marriage, Andre,” I broke the news to him gently. “You need to tell me that you love Melissa, that’s why you want to stay married. You could still love your children even if Melissa was not married to you anymore.”
Before I ended our time together, I sowed three ideas for Andre to consider doing, and challenged him to report back in two weeks if he saw any visible differences in how Melissa was relating with him.
1. Re-establish a Ritual of Connection
Now that Covid-19 is over, couples do not spend long hours together anymore. For the likes of Andre and Melissa, this has released the pressure valves and eased the pressure of being in each other’s presence all the time, where the flaws of each other compounded and suddenly became magnified.
Yet, this does not adequately address the cause of tension. The ritual of connection serves to help couples reconnect and emotionally “tune-in” to the other’s moods, feelings, and even grouses.
The goal here is about the couple’s sense of “we-ness”, where a couple re-establishes a sense of alliance and allegiance. It is an emotional investment to listen empathically and actively, conveying to the other that you are both on the same team despite having different ideas and opinions on many things. If Andre wanted a satisfying marriage, he needed a strong friendship and alliance with Melissa.
The ritual of connection serves to help couples reconnect and emotionally “tune-in” to the other’s moods, feelings, and even grouses.
2. Repair First, Resolve Later
A constant picking on each other places spouses on the defence all the time. The intensity of the fight increases with the irritation of the parties. When words are carelessly exchanged, it can become difficult to take them back. James 3:4–5 tells us that the tongue is like a rudder—small, but it directs a large ship: “the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts” (v. 5).
So, do we keep quiet in a fight? If so, where is the “fair play”?
I believe that it is precisely because the tongue has so much power, that this force should be harnessed to a soothing and kind word, a word of appreciation; better still, it should be harnessed to be tamed.
A repair in a relationship is about shifting the focus from the fight back to the relationship. A repair attempt is an act of loving behaviour towards your spouse that sets the relationship back on course. It conveys to your spouse that you are on the same side, regardless.
The key to a satisfying relationship is to start recognising that many conflicts may be pretty much irresolvable, and to shift the focus to repairing the relationship after a fight, instead of being fixated on resolving the irresolvable.
A repair comes in many forms. From flowers and chocolates to “I am sorry, we could have done better”, a gentle touch, or a momentary “time-out”.
Even a 20-minute time-out can provide a platform for parties to sort out the overwhelming emotions, increased heart rate, and hyped-up breathing.
A 20-minute time-out would convey to Melissa that during a quarrel, Andre continues to respect and honour her. By giving her time to self-regulate and manage her emotions, it conveys to her that she is important, and that their relationship is more important than their differences.
In a fight, a time-out would allow both Andre and Melissa to take their minds off the conflict at hand, and to regulate their emotions and thoughts. When Andre approaches Melissa thereafter, both would be physiologically calmer and more ready to take their repair further; the words would also become gentler and less stinging.
The instruction in Ephesians 4:26, “do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”, is not a directive to sort out the issues before sunset or before you go to bed, but to sort out the anger.
The key to a satisfying relationship is to start recognising that many conflicts may be pretty much irresolvable, and to shift the focus to repairing the relationship after a fight, instead of being fixated on resolving the irresolvable. This recasts the spotlight on what the couple has, rather than what they lack.
I would also suggest that it takes a whole dose of humility to accept that many conflicts between spouses are irresolvable. Our conflicts stem from our values, how we were raised, our worldviews, our doctrinal or theological viewpoints, or even our political inclination or alignment.
The humility to indulge in the thought that we might actually be wrong, might set us on a path to “listen to understand” (what the other person is saying), rather than to “listen to respond” (often to prove them wrong).
3. Conflicts Are (Often) Fuelled by Unmet Needs
During the Covid-19 restrictions, the need for space, privacy, and alone time was severely neglected. As people were holed up at home, physically safe from the fast-spreading virus, psychological and emotional needs took a back seat and went largely unmet.
Demands from children and chores, uncertainty about jobs and finances, and fatigue from carrying all these burdens weighed on the shoulders of many couples who felt alone because the partnership was frustrated by unknown neglect and unspoken pains.
Conflicts are opportunities for us to discover or rediscover our partners’ inner workings like values, beliefs, or even styles by which they approach things. The key is to de-escalate well and in a timely manner, so that when conflicts are managed well, our fights enable us to know our partner better.
Our needs change and evolve with age, the passage of time, and resources. Perhaps Andre needs to update himself on what Melissa needs now, and how he could participate (rather than be an obstacle) in helping her achieve it, while sharing the same with her.
Conflicts are opportunities for us to discover or rediscover our partners’ inner workings like values, beliefs, or even styles by which they approach things.
Discussion of marital conflicts focusing only on styles of fighting is rather meaningless if the relationship does not have a sound foundation built upon a strong friendship, mutual trust, and deep commitment to each other.
Andre, like the rest of us, must understand that many dangers as in those presented by Covid-19, are perhaps laid with plenty of opportunities, too. Perhaps we should not squander these opportunities by focusing on what may seem insurmountable, but turn our attention to how we can reap from it.
The grass is always greener where we water it.
This article was first published in Impact Magazine. Adapted with permission.
