“Let’s go for a run,” I say, trying to sound casual.
“I’m watching something,” comes the reply—eyes still fixed on the screen. “It’s important.”
I pause.
Important?
Somewhere between my teens’ definition of “important” and mine lies a daily tug-of-war—one that many parents might recognise. We long for them to engage in activities we consider more purposeful. Yet, they seem content with scrolling, watching, tapping away.
And . . . the hardest part? Sometimes, or most times, they don’t find it a big deal.
The Real Issues
Over time, I’ve realised that the tension isn’t really just about screen time.
Beneath the scrolling lies my discomfort: How is the online content that my teens are watching or reading shaping their values, ideas, or assumptions?
As they scroll, subtle influences are shaping what they absorb—often beyond what they intentionally seek out. Maybe that’s why this feels so complex: I cannot fully control what they’re exposed to. Filters help, to a certain extent. But there’ll always be other devices, other environments, or other influences beyond what I can see.
There’s also another discomfort. Screens are, in many ways, easier to engage with. They respond, entertain, and are always within reach. I wonder if, gradually, we’ll gravitate towards what feels more manageable and less demanding than real relationships (that are often unpredictable and even frustrating). Am I comfortable with my teens trading the “risks” of real relationships for something easier and more controlled? Probably not.
What Screen Time Rules Do . . . and Don’t
So, my next best “solution”? Screen time limits.
These are great for modifying behaviour . . . but often, with short-lived effects. So I find myself repeating, reminding, and sometimes reacting more than I’d like to admit. Ironically, the more screen time rules I introduce, the more unsettled I become.
Beaten down by the constant screen time tension, l wonder: Do I still have a role to play or am I already screened out?
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Back to Basics
Clearly, rules can restrain behaviour, but they cannot transform the heart. Ezekiel 36:26 reminds us that God is the one who gives a “new heart”. Accepting that I cannot change my teens’ hearts, maybe I’d do better to point, guide, and model faithfully?
These are a few things I’m learning to come back to:
1. Back to relationships
Perhaps at its core, this tension is a call to return to God’s original design. Genesis 1:27 reminds us that we’re made in His image. We aren’t created merely to consume or be entertained, but to know God and relate meaningfully to one another. Screens may entertain, but they can never replace real connection or the safety of being known and loved.
I’m learning to make the most of small, ordinary, off-screen moments with my children: an unhurried meal, blow-drying wet hair, spontaneous ice-cream runs, a swim or jog, even being the unofficial chaperone at sporting competitions. Nothing dramatic—just ordinary moments where I can be present with them. One of my favourite rhythms in this season? Lunch outings on home-based learning days—rounded off with matcha soft-serve!
Screens may entertain, but they can never replace real connection or the safety of being known and loved.
Meaningful face-to-face connection does require some effort on my part. But it’s rewarding to see how it’s helping my teens experience for themselves the purpose, beauty, and even the simplicity of relating.
2. Back to the fear of the Lord
I’ve read (with some amusement) about the creative ways schools are carving out phone-free zones—and “inventive” ways students try to outsmart them. I definitely appreciate the efforts by the school authorities, but it also appears that well-meaning rules can manage behaviour only temporarily. There’s still some way to go in reaching the heart of the matter.
Proverbs 9:10 offers valuable guidance: “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.” More than behaviour modification, I’m hoping for something deeper—that my teens would grow in genuine reverence for Him. That reverence, I believe, shapes more than outward behaviour. It can shape the way they think, discern, choose, and respond, even when no one else is around.
More than behaviour modification, I’m hoping for something deeper—that my teens would grow in genuine reverence for Him.
Bringing the relevance of God’s Word to daily life might be a good start. Sometimes it’s talking through a news headline together. Other times, it’s discussing a trend, a show they’re watching, or situations from their own social circles. Not in a preachy way, but through simple conversations: What do you think about this? Why do you think people respond this way? What might honour God here?
Hopefully, this helps them learn to weigh what they encounter against a biblical worldview, rather than passing trends or popular opinion.
Slowly, I think they begin to see that Scripture isn’t disconnected from real life after all. It speaks into the things they’re already wrestling with. Their perspectives widen. They grow in wisdom—learning not only what to avoid, but also what’s good, worthwhile, and pleasing to God.
3. Back to personal responsibility
This is probably the hardest part. Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each person “should carry their own load”. I can guide, advise, and set boundaries, but I’m learning that I cannot live out their convictions for them.
I still struggle with finding the right balance between holding on and letting go in parenting my teens in a highly-connected world. Learning to give them the space to make their own choices and to actually feel the weight of them is harder than I expected.
I can guide, advise, and set boundaries, but I’m learning that I cannot live out their convictions for them.
Every maternal instinct in me wants to protect and step in. But I’m learning that part of growing up involves taking personal responsibility for themselves. And so, little by little, I’m loosening my grip and entrusting their journey to God.
A Gentle Word of Hope
It’s never too late to start relating to our children, discipling them in the fear of the Lord, and discerning what our responsibility is—or isn’t. If you feel like you’re lagging behind on these fronts, remember that God isn’t bound by our timing; He can restore what’s lost (Joel 2:25).
There are still many moments that leave me discouraged. Yet, I keep returning to the assurance that God’s work in their lives is ongoing (Philippians 1:6).
And perhaps, returning to the basics of relationship and discipleship isn’t a step backward after all, but a few steps ahead for parenting in a highly-connected world.
