My grandparenting journey began more than a decade ago, when I received an unexpected long-distance phone call from my elder son. He was on a master’s programme in the US, and was planning to stay there for a few years after graduating, to gain work experience. In that call, he broke the news that his wife had conceived. But he also told me something I found equally significant.
“Dad, I think I will shorten my stay in the States because I want my baby to spend time with you and Mum,” he said. “Some of my friends have problems with their parents, but I’ve noticed that all of them simply love and adore their grandparents. This is a blessing I don’t want my child to miss out on!”
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never before made the observation that most young people—even those who had troubled relationships with their parents—had loving relationships with their grandparents!
I’m A Grandparent, What Now?
Discover fresh biblical insights and practical tips on how you can help your grandchildren grow in character and faith, navigate the relationship between parents and grandparents, and play a part in shaping the lives of the next generation.
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Grandparenting Starts with Our Children
As grandparents, we may be eager and excited to spend time with our grandchildren and to disciple them in God’s ways. So, where do we start?
Unexpectedly, perhaps, it starts with our own children.
To disciple our grandchildren, we must first build a foundation of trust with their parents— our children and their spouses.
When my sons were growing into teenagers and young adults, my wife and I discovered a simple way to build this foundation—the weekly family dinner. Like most people their age, they had many friends and activities, and were missing family dinners often enough for us to call a family conference to deal with the issue.
That family conference ended with the happy decision that while we would have complete freedom for the rest of the week, we would make every effort to attend the “altogether family dinner” every Saturday, rain or shine.
The dinner could be moved to Sunday only if a request came in early enough for everyone to agree to the change. This weekly tradition continued even after they married and had their own children. It is now that sacred time of the week when cousins, siblings, parents, and grandparents congregate.
Building Trust with Our Adult Children and Their Spouses
Some of us may not have built this foundation when our adult children were younger. However, I’d like to encourage you—even if you’re starting from scratch—to take small steps to build a positive relationship with your children and children-in-law. It could be through simple actions like treating them to their favourite food or remembering their birthdays.
A good, loving relationship with our children, and subsequently, their spouses, is vital in the journey of grandparenting. It is wise to invest effort in building happy relationships that blossom in mutual respect. In this regard, the Lord Jesus’ teaching that “it is more blessed to give than to receive” holds much wisdom and spiritual truth (Acts 20:35). We give by way of kind words, generosity, and appreciation.
A good, loving relationship with our children, and subsequently, their spouses, is vital in the journey of grandparenting.
One of my family’s happiest memories was taking our two sons and daughters-in-law on an overseas holiday several years before our first grandchild arrived. We prepared our own meals in an apartment we rented and our daughters-in-law bonded over hours in the kitchen together.
The deepened relationships that resulted from that holiday were priceless. The blessedness of happy relationships in the family will provide a good launchpad for fruitful grandparenting.
Drawing the Line Between Parenting and Grandparenting
While we enjoy God’s gift of grandparenting, we need to also know the difference between parenting and grandparenting—lest this gift unwittingly becomes a source of pain!
The bulk of the Bible’s instructions concerning the transmission of faith to children is addressed to fathers and mothers. This means that us grandparents must clearly see that our role and function is secondary and supplementary. This is an all-important principle.
So, where and how do we draw the line? First, while grandparents may be patriarchs and matriarchs of the extended family, we have to recognise that it is the parents, not the grandparents, who have authority over their children.
Even if our children and grandchildren live under the same roof with us, it must be the established household norm that the authority to discipline our grandchildren belongs to their parents.
While grandparents may be patriarchs and matriarchs of the extended family, we have to recognise that it is the parents, not the grandparents, who have authority over their children.
Second, our children and children-in-law must know that we deeply desire the best for them and would never usurp their authority or their responsibility for raising their children. Again, it boils down to having a good and loving relationship with our children, including our children-in-law, of course. It is impossible to overstate this fundamental point.
Should there be times when we think that our children are overly strict (or too lenient!) with their kids, we should never interfere, as this may create all sorts of unintended difficulty. Our children may feel disrespected, which may cause tension in the relationship. And, our grandchildren, faced with conflicting instructions, may struggle with having to choose sides.
If it is truly necessary to give differing instructions, we should speak to our children in private, and not there and then.
It Takes Two
Parenting and grandparenting can be likened to our two hands—both are useful in our daily life. Although we normally develop a dominant hand, the non-dominant hand continues to help us carry out tasks with efficiency.
Consider the act of cooking a dish, lifting a child, or riding a bicycle. All can be done with only one hand, but that would require far greater effort. We may think of parents as being the dominant hand and grandparents as the non-dominant hand. Blessed is the child who is shaped by both.
Fellow grandparents, let us prayerfully make the effort to cultivate a good relationship with our children and children-in-law. As we do so, may we find that our relationship with them will form a firm foundation for grandparenting.
Heavenly Father, thank You for this blessed gift of my children and grandchildren. Help me to cultivate a close and personal relationship with my adult children and children-in-law, through my words and deeds of kindness, generosity, and appreciation. And, grant me Your wisdom to support them in the discipline and discipleship of their children, so that they may come to know Your Son as Lord and Saviour.
Extracted and adapted from I’m a Grandparent, What Now?, a Discovery Series booklet by Our Daily Bread Ministries © 2024 Our Daily Bread Ministries, Singapore.
