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This is the second part of a two-part series, “Help! My Child Is Watching Porn”.
Read Part 1 here.
Imagine finding out that your child has been exposed to online porn at school—or coming across your child watching porn at home.
Such a scenario might leave parents feeling helpless and clueless on what they should do or say. And yet, it’s a situation that more parents are finding themselves in, according to some parenting experts.
“These days, we just don’t know what our kids will encounter online,” says Edward Kang, the manager of Family Support Services at Care Corner. “Porn could suddenly appear in games or in seemingly innocuous cartoons with cute characters or superheroes.”
Agreeing, June Yong, who does research and advocacy work at Focus on the Family Singapore, says that children in primary school can already be exposed to different kinds of sexual terms that they hear from classmates.
Set Age-Appropriate Boundaries
In the immediate aftermath of finding out that a child has been exposed to porn, both experts advise parents to stay calm in the moment, and to try to create a safe space where children feel comfortable talking about what happened.
Parents can then set age-appropriate boundaries around devices. At the end of the day,“ it falls back to us parents to review their content, especially for younger children,” says Edward, a father of two.
For children or preteens, parents may need to take on an active role in supervising the content they view, setting and keeping to clear rules and boundaries. This can be done with the help of family rules on screen time, and parental controls like age and content filters.
The consequences of breaking these rules also need to be communicated clearly beforehand—and carried out accordingly. These can include cutting down screen time for gaming or entertainment, banning the use of devices for a period of time, or removing other privileges like bubble tea.
And while most children already know that watching porn is wrong, adds Edward, simply knowing this doesn’t remove the temptation. One encouragement parents can give to their children comes from 1 Corinthians 10:13:
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
One practical way of helping kids avoid the temptation is limiting the use of devices to common areas such as the living room and dining area—and banning them in bedrooms and bathrooms. Another is to encourage children to go offline and do something else.
“When we have recurring urges—which happens not just to teens but to all of us—we turn to a coping mechanism,” says Edward. “So it’s about introducing healthy coping mechanisms we can turn to, whether it’s leaving the house for fresh air, exercise, or other outdoor activities, or simply leaving the room to pray or make a drink in a common area.”
Ban Devices Altogether?
Experts, however, caution against setting blanket bans on screen time or taking away devices completely, especially if children are already in their teenage years. “We generally don’t recommend controlling or monitoring teens—unless they are persistently breaking the rules,” says Edward. “If more restrictive rules are set, parents should inform their teens beforehand of the reasons.”
While rules and structure can be useful, what may be more helpful is to get teens to take personal ownership in solving the problem of porn use, if they are convinced it is unhealthy for them. This means partnering them on how they themselves want to prevent it from recurring. “It’s about giving ownership to our teens with our support,” says Edward.
Parents could start by asking their teens, “What do you think you can do?”, and then, “Is there any way I can help you with this?”
“It’s about giving ownership to our teens with our support.”
June, too, advises parents to sit down and discuss with their teens how much screen time should be allocated for homework and connecting with friends, rather than completely banning the use of digital devices.
Some parents may want to consider working with their teens to install control apps. However, this requires discernment and discretion, experts warn, as teens generally have a greater desire for privacy.
Spend Time Bonding with Your Teens
There are many reasons that children and teens view porn. They include loneliness, a craving for connection, boredom, academic stress, procrastination, and social anxiety. “They may find porn engaging, stimulating, and pleasurable without realising that porn is a poor counterfeit for relationships and connection—which is what they really need in most cases,” says June, a mother of a daughter, 15, and two sons, 13 and 10.
This means that parents—or other caregivers—should spend more time with their teens, to find out how they’re coping and to do things that they enjoy together. “We need to redirect their attention and interest to something more productive,” says June.
Parents can also check in on their teens regularly. Approaching them in a spirit of love and gentleness is important if we want our teens to open up to us, Edward advises. “Be intentional in investing love and attention in your teen, even though your efforts may not be reciprocated like before.”
Start Talking about Sex Early
Both June and Edward reiterate that it’s never too early—nor too late—to talk about sex with children, using age-appropriate language.
While this can be uncomfortable and embarrassing at first, talking about porn when they’re still young will go a long way in creating a safe environment for kids to raise such topics with parents in the future, says Edward.
The earlier parents begin discussing these topics with their children, the earlier their curiosity will be addressed in a safe and healthy way—rather than piqued when they stumble across online porn on their own.
One way parents can overcome their feelings of discomfort is by preparing for the conversation beforehand. For example, they could find out more from other parents who are at the same stage of parenting, or roleplay the conversations with their spouses.
“Many parents are afraid they won’t know how to respond to awkward questions, but we don’t have to know all the answers,” says June. “A good starting point can simply be, ‘That’s a good question. Let’s find out together.’ It might feel scary and awkward to talk about sex topics with our children, but once you cross that hurdle, it will become more natural.”
The earlier parents begin discussing these topics with their children, both experts say, the earlier their curiosity will be addressed in a safe and healthy way—rather than piqued when they stumble across online porn on their own, or hear about it from their friends or classmates.
Build a Biblical Foundation of Sex
Parents can also build an early foundation of biblical knowledge and values about God’s purpose for sex, marriage, and the difference between males and females. “We can ‘layer on’ with more information as they grow older,” says June. “If they hear about sex from you first, then they know that you are a safe person for questions.”
“We can run through the scenarios of what they can do if their friend shows them porn. Try to stay calm, factual, and concise in explaining what porn is, without going into too much detail.”
June and her husband decided to broach the subject when their kids were just 1 to 2 years old by teaching them about their body parts using factual terms. Later on, they introduced books about how God designed bodies and the purpose of sex when their kids started primary school.
When her boys grew into tweens, her husband began to play a more “critical role”, she says. “Women may not understand the puberty changes that boys go through, which is where the father can step in,” she notes.
June believes that these early conversations not only made her son more comfortable about telling them about his classmate who watched porn, but also gave them a common starting point to broach the topic.
“We can run through the scenarios of what they can do if their friend shows them porn,” June says. “Try to stay calm, factual, and concise in explaining what porn is, without going into too much detail.”
Don’t Despair
Of course, not reacting in the heat of the moment, trying to understand children’s reasons for viewing porn, and having regular conversations about sex can seem like “mission impossible”.
“It requires us as parents to go deeper, when the easier way is to just say ‘no’ and to ban screens altogether, or to ignore it and pretend that you didn’t see anything,” says June. “But because our relationship with our children is important, sometimes we need to do the difficult work of working on ourselves and journeying with God through it.”
“It requires us as parents to go deeper, when the easier way is to just say ‘no’ and to ban screens altogether, or to ignore it and pretend that you didn’t see anything.”
Parents, she adds, need to first acknowledge that they themselves are not perfect, but are prepared to work on themselves for their children’s sake. And this means they need to be humble and vulnerable, possibly in front of their children.
“At the end of the day, we cannot be there 24/7 to monitor our children,” says Edward. “But we can point them back to their relationship with God, who is always with them. Let us endeavour to pray with our children and commit this area of their lives to God, remembering that all of us need to rely on Him when it comes to growing in holiness, purity, and blamelessness.”
This is the second part of a two-part series, “Help! My Child Is Watching Porn”.
Read Part 1 here.
Help! How Do I Talk to My Child About Love, Sex, and Marriage
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