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When June Yong’s 9-year-old son returned home from school one day, he promptly told her that his friend watched pornography.
“It was not what any parent would want to hear,” recalls the mother of three.
And yet, the reality is that an increasing number of adolescents are viewing online porn today, whether intentionally or accidentally. Some of them are as young as 9 or 10 years old—or even younger—observes Edward Kang, manager of Family Support Services at Care Corner, which offers parenting support programmes to members of the public.
The rising trend could be due to easy access to screens from a young age, as more children have their own phones in their early primary years. Edward says he sees at least one case every month of children watching online porn.
The question, however, is this: Are parents ready to handle such a situation?
Help! How Do I Talk to My Child About Love, Sex, and Marriage
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Are Parents Ready to Talk about Porn?
According to a survey conducted by Focus on the Family Singapore in 2023, few parents feel that they are ready—and knowledgeable enough—to talk to their children about porn. Of the 560 parents polled, 3 in 10 fathers were not ready to do so, and neither were 4 in 10 mothers. Only 2 in 10 mothers said they had “good or very good” knowledge of porn, while only 5 in 10 of fathers said the same thing.
“Some parents are more aware of the dangers of porn use because they come across news on sexual misconduct linked to screens,” says June, who does research and advocacy work at Focus on the Family, which runs a “Talk About Sex” series for parents on body safety, puberty, and porn.
However, parents may feel uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex and porn because it is a taboo topic for many, she adds. Parents who are busy may also feel that they should address the seemingly more urgent matters like grades and homework.
Some parents might even have a false sense of security that their children are less susceptible to porn because of their Christian upbringing, according to Edward. But the reality is that all children are exposed to the same exposure and temptation, says the father of two.
So, what can we do if we come across our teens—or even children—viewing online porn, or hearing about it from their friends?
Stay Calm
The first thing parents should do, advises June, is nothing. It might seem counterintuitive, but parents should avoid reacting in the heat of the moment.
“We need to take time to calm down and process what happened for ourselves first,” says June. While this can be hard, parents would do well to heed James’ advice to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19–20).
What parents can do is to step away from the situation, pray to God and ask for His wisdom, and talk it over with their spouses first.
“Our level of expectation may be higher for our teens. We need to deal with our own disappointment first, rather than allowing it to affect how we relate to them.”
Moreover, if parents react strongly in anger, horror, or disgust, it can wrongly signal to the children not to approach their parents to talk about it again.
“Our level of expectation may be higher for our teens,” says June, a mother of a daughter, 15, and two sons, 13 and 10. “We need to deal with our own disappointment first, rather than allowing it to affect how we relate to them.”
What parents can do is to step away from the situation, pray to God and ask for His wisdom, and talk it over with their spouses first. Upon hearing her own son’s remark about his classmate’s porn use, June chose to keep silent. She waited for her husband to return home before discussing it with him and praying about it together.
The next day, she found an opportunity to talk about it with her son.
Agreeing, Edward says: “We can and should pray and commit this issue to God, who is ultimately in control, and rely on His grace and strength to handle it.”
Be a Safe Space
As parents seek God’s wisdom on how to handle such a situation, Galatians 6:1 may be instructive:
If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Parents need to remember that sexual urges are tied to adolescent development, and curiosity about such matters are part and parcel of growing up, says Edward. They should approach their children in a spirit of gentleness, restoration, and humility, bearing in mind that all—children as well as parents—sin and fall short of the glory of God. At the same time, all can be “justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23–24).
“Rather than focusing on sin alone, parents can weave in God’s forgiveness, grace, and strength, and how He empowers us with self-control and holiness,” says Edward. “We should address the issue and have an honest conversation about it, but with a parent’s love and grace modelled after God’s.”
Parents can start off by asking neutral, open-ended questions with the goal of seeking to understand what needs are being fulfilled by watching porn—whether it is out of curiosity, boredom, or stress.
One of June’s sons, for example, had a “close brush with porn” in Primary 4. Despite strong filters on the family computer that barred explicit content, he stumbled across pictures of women in bikinis.
“I returned home and saw him with the iPad, trying to hide,” recalls June. “My instincts kicked in, and it wasn’t easy to remain calm.” But she prayed and discussed the matter with her husband first, before sitting their son down to talk to him about it when they were both calm.
While he was initially guarded, he eventually shared that he had been curious about some terms he had heard in school and wanted to find out more. “We assured him that it was normal to be curious, but also expressed to him our worry about the dangers such content could pose to him, and encouraged him to come to us if he had any questions,” she says. “Over time, our son became more comfortable and forthcoming with us.”
“Rather than focusing on sin alone, parents can weave in God’s forgiveness, grace, and strength, and how He empowers us with self-control and holiness.”
Parents should also help children make sense of what they see when they stumble across pornographic content. “Because of their young age, they may not be able to verbalise their many-layered emotions or thoughts,” adds June.
● Find a good time and place. Try to talk to your kids in private, inviting them into the conversation with something like: “Daddy and Mummy would like to talk about something with you. You don’t have to reply if you don’t want to.”
● Approach your child in a spirit of wanting to understand the background. Avoid shaming, blaming, or threatening your child. Instead of asking, “Why did you watch porn?” or “Why did you click that?”, which can lead children to shut down, use questions that open up conversations, such as, “What happened that triggered your curiosity?”
● Be willing to let go for the time being. If your child does not open up, give him space and be patient. Remember that your role is to understand and help.
