The quality of parenting is often greatly dependent on the quality of the marriage. Children can sense the nature of the relationship of their parents, regardless of whether they are quarrelling noisily or giving each other the silent treatment. Even the youngest of children can sense something amiss.
A study done by research psychologist John Gottman involving 50 couples and their 3-month-old infants showed that when the parents had unhappy marriages, their children had a lower capacity for joy, concentration, and self-soothing. Children of happier marriages did better.
In another study by Gottman, his team found higher stress hormones in children living in homes where there was “great marital hostility”. A follow-up study of the children till age 15 showed significantly higher incidences of truancy, depression, peer rejection, low school achievement, and behaviour problems—especially aggression.
On the other hand, Pamela Jordan shows in her book, Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows, that children of happily married parents tend to be emotionally healthier, do better in school, and have better social skills.
Marriage Affects the Kids
The point here is that your marriage affects your children. Children do not grow up in a vacuum, but in a family environment that is significantly influenced by their parents’ marital relationship.
Unfortunately, because of the hurried lives that modern parents lead, when children arrive, they tend to give priority to their children—which is important, but their valiant attempts tend to fail if they have no time, inclination, or energy to pay sufficient attention to their marriage. This is a costly mistake.
Children can sense the nature of the relationship of their parents, regardless of whether they are quarrelling noisily or giving each other the silent treatment.
Psychologist John Gottman is famous for being able to predict the success or failure of a marriage by having a chat with a couple for 15 minutes. He is said to be able to predict marriage stability or divorce, with an accuracy of 90 per cent. How does he do that?
Gottman says that he looks for four signs—what he calls the “Four Horsemen”. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Constant criticism ends as an attack on the spouse’s character rather than an honest comment on his or her behaviour.
If it is not checked, it leads to contempt and constant negative thoughts about the spouse that is expressed in mocking and ridicule, belittling, and other ways of showing disrespect and hatred.
Also seen in an unhealthy marital relationship is constant blaming and defensiveness. The failure to pinpoint behaviour that can be improved, or to identify problems that can be solved, coupled with an obsession with finding fault and warding off the same, can escalate into a simmering war.
Stonewalling is a response to expressions of contempt. The spouse will stop responding and withdraw emotionally from the relationship. This does not really help, as it tends to extinguish whatever remains in the marriage.
Children do not grow up in a vacuum, but in a family environment that is significantly influenced by their parents’ marital relationship.
Gottman is not the only one who can spot these unhealthy patterns in a relationship. Children often do the same and know how their parents’ relationship is faring.
Conversely, they can also spot signs of a healthy marriage. These include the presence of love and care in the relationship, mutual respect, good communication patterns (courtesy, clarity, conversational depth), and the ability to resolve differences of opinion and disputes in a mature manner.
Good Marriages: Examples from the Bible
It is not easy to find families in the Bible where children grew up in the context of a healthy marriage. Many of the families of the patriarchs reflected different degrees of dysfunction. The families of the kings and judges were no better.
There are hints of happy families at least in the Psalms, the songs that were sung by the ancient Israelites. Psalm 128 is a good example. Here is a picture of domestic peace and satisfaction. The man is blessed with a good wife. They enjoy rich harvests, and they have children who bring them joy. The secret is: “This will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord” (Psalm 128:4). This is a family anchored soundly in God.
When we come to the New Testament, we have teachings on how family relationships ought to be (e.g., Ephesians 5:22–6:4; Colossians 3:18–21).
There is not much biographical information on healthy families. The family life of Jesus must have been good, as surmised from the narratives of Jesus’ childhood that Joseph and Mary had mutual respect for each other—the basis of a good and nourishing relationship.
When they found Jesus missing on their way from Jerusalem to Nazareth, they jointly returned with concern and looked for Jesus till they found him in the temple (Luke 2:41–52). There is no indication of any blaming or quarrelling between them. Their relationship comes across as a loving and mature one.
As a 12-year-old, Jesus returned with his parents, was obedient to them, and grew up in a wholesome way.
A Spirit-Filled Home
John the Baptist also grew up in a happy home. His parents were a godly old couple. Years of marriage must have mellowed and matured them.
One interesting fact that is often missed by Bible readers is that this was a Spirit-filled family. Zechariah, the father (Luke 1:67), Elizabeth, the mother (v. 41), and baby John himself (v. 14) were each described as being filled with the Holy Spirit. We can imagine what kind of family theirs was. John grew up to become a powerful prophet whom God used to prepare the way of the Lord.
A healthy marriage is possible with the help of God, who can transform the spouses and their relationship as they live a Spirit-filled life.
We can conclude with the following points:
First, your marriage needs to be healthy if you wish to do well in parenting. Don’t neglect your marriage.
Second, a healthy marriage is possible with the help of God, who can transform the spouses and their relationship as they live a Spirit-filled life.
