When In-Laws Become Outlaws: Biblical Tips for Relating to Our In-Laws Better (Part 1)

These refrains aren’t just found in local drama series; they are, unfortunately, the reality in many of our homes today.

According to some marital counsellors, relationships with parents-in-law can become a common source of tension between husbands and wives.

On one hand, couples are told to leave and cleave in marriage, and to set appropriate boundaries with their parents (and by extension, parents-in-law). On the other, there’s also the biblical call to honour their parents.

So, how can couples navigate between the two? And what wisdom does the Bible offer us on this matter?

From One Family to Three

When couples say “I do”, they’re saying so not just to forming a new family unit with their spouse, but also to joining their spouse’s family on top of having their own “family of origin” (the family they grew up in).

“Most couples are in the ‘honeymoon stage’ when they first get married, when the marriage is approved by both sides and everybody can be quite cordial,” says Petrine Lim, a counsellor and adjunct senior lecturer in social work.

Things can quickly change, however, when children enter the picture. This can be coupled with different family backgrounds and cultures, as well as clashes in personalities and expectations, adds Petrine.

Tensions can also be exacerbated if one or both sets of in-laws are non-Christians, and have beliefs and values that clash with the couple’s. Even where both sets of parents are Christians, they may also have different views of how their adult children should live, spend time with them, or parent their own children.

As time passes, more cracks may surface as grandparents’ health deteriorates, husband and wife are in their midcareer phase, and children enter their teens, observes Lee Hann Yang, a biblical counsellor and associate pastor.

Exposed Fault Lines

Over time, these stressors and tensions with parents and
in-laws can strain marital relationships.

In some cases, Petrine and Hann have counselled wives who felt resentful towards their husbands for siding more with their parents, in particular their mothers. They’ve also counselled some husbands who felt upset
about “losing face” when their wives complained about them to their parents.

Hann recounts counselling a couple with a newborn. “The wife had just given birth and the husband was not sensitive to his wife’s needs,” he says. “He didn’t see what was wrong with his parents having a key to their house and entering anytime they wanted to see the baby.”

Because of this, his wife felt sad and angry, and refused to talk to him, Hann says.

In this case, Hann counselled the husband to see that his wife was not a “tenant” but a “co-owner” of their house, and to consider other ways to show respect to his parents, without resorting to giving them 24/7 access to their house.

Relating to One Another Biblically 

For couples seeking to navigate tricky relationships with their parents, grounding themselves in Scripture is vital, say both counsellors.

Here are three biblical principles that can guide couples as they prayerfully relate to their in-laws in a God-pleasing manner:

1. Husband and wife are to be united.

The Hebrew word for “leave” in this verse means to forsake. This doesn’t mean that an adult son literally abandons his parents, but that he now prioritises his wife over his parents, says Hann.

In ancient Israel, sons did not move away from their parents when they married, but lived near to them and inherited their father’s land. Rather, “they ‘left’ their parents in the sense of putting their wife’s welfare before that of their parents”, notes the ESV Study Bible.

To “hold fast” (ESV), on the other hand, is to be wholly united to one another and consummated in sexual intercourse, thereby becoming “one flesh” (v. 24). The King James Version uses the word cleave here instead of united, which is where the phrase “leave and cleave” was coined.

The Bible mentions this “leaving and cleaving” principle not just in the Old Testament, but three more times in the New Testament—twice by Jesus himself (see Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8; Ephesians 5:31).

Putting Your Spouse First

In our context today, leaving and cleaving means that husband and wife recognise that they are to put each other first before their parents.

“Sometimes, an issue might not fully go away,” says Petrine. “The question for couples is how they can make a decision together and present a common front, should they have opposing beliefs or views from their parents.”

Leaving and cleaving means that husband and wife recognise that they are to put each other first before their parents.

Putting our spouse first also means having their best interests at heart and doing what’s best for them—even when they’re not looking. Proverbs 31:11–12 underlines this principle: “Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

1 Peter 3:7, too, instructs husbands to be considerate to their wives and to treat them with respect “so that nothing will hinder [their] prayers”.

“This means that a husband should consider how his interactions with his parents might affect his wife, says Hann, “as failing to do so may hinder his own prayer life.”

2. Honouring our parents looks different in marriage.

How does the principle of leaving and cleaving intersect, then, with the command to obey and honour our parents?

“The Hebrew word for honour, kavod, describes a weight of silver or gold,” Hann explains. “In the Old Testament, the wealth of someone was denominated by the weight of silver or gold they possessed.”

“To honour our parents is to have a ‘very heavy’ or ‘weighty’ view of them,” he adds. To obey one’s parents, then, is one way of honouring them.

While a married adult is no longer under a parent’s authority to obey, the call to honour remains—moving from compliance to deep respect.

The Art of Disagreement

It may not always be appropriate, however, to obey one’s parents as a married adult. The NIV Biblical Theology Study Bible points out that the command to obey may be directed at younger children “who are still growing up and dependent on their parents”, in light of Ephesians 6:4.

“The way we honour our parents today, as an adult with our own unit of authority and family, is not necessarily the same as how we would honour our parents as a child dependent on them,” says Hann.

Petrine agrees. “Honouring our parents doesn’t mean we must always say yes to them as adults today. Even if we disagree, we can communicate with them in a way that’s respectful. To honour them is to show them respect—not necessarily total agreement.”

She recalls counselling a daughter-in-law who felt compelled to submit to her parents-in-law—and to be seen as a dutiful daughter-in-law—at the expense of what she and her husband had originally agreed on.

“Honouring our parents doesn’t mean we must always say yes to them as adults today. Even if we disagree, we can communicate with them in a way that’s respectful.”

“She wanted her in-laws to be pleased with her, but at the same time, she had to learn the skill of saying no in a respectful manner,” says Petrine. “The parents-in-law also had to learn not to feel offended in such a situation and to practise graciousness.”

Some questions for couples to consider might be: Do we esteem our parents even when we disagree with them? Do we speak to them—or about them—with a respectful or disrespectful tone? Do we value them for their love and care, or despise them for their faults or flaws?

Read Part 2 of this two-part series on relating to our in-laws better here.

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