If parenting is complex, Christian parenting is even more so. Apart from being good parents, we want to be godly parents who do what is right and pleasing in God’s eyes. But what is right? What will please God? And what should our priorities be as we seek to raise our children as God intends?
Over the years as a youth worker and church leader, and as father to two teenage sons, I’ve discovered (and am still discovering) some answers to this question.
The answers may seem like common sense to you, but perhaps their familiarity can aid you as you reflect on them. After each section, you might ask yourself:
1. How much is this a priority for me as a parent?
2. How am I applying this principle in my own parenting?
1. Build your relationship with your spouse, not just with your kids.
When my wife and I became parents, we asked ourselves what the best gift would be that we could give our sons. After some reflection, we thought of two:
1. Our Christian faith. We hoped that they would know God for themselves, follow Him, and have a personal relationship with Him.
2. A model of Christian family life. We hoped that they would become godly husbands and fathers in adulthood.
We also understood that unresolved conflicts between us might compromise our ability to give our sons these gifts. After all, children learn so easily and readily from how their parents treat each other.
For example, saying things like, “Don’t tell Dad”, or “The problem is with Mum”, might send them the wrong message, namely, that it’s okay for husband and wife to disrespect each other. That would be a mistake we wouldn’t want them repeating in their own future marriage.
Children learn so easily and readily from how their parents treat each other.
So, we needed to first work through the unresolved issues in our marital relationship. Only then would we be better placed to teach our children about relationships and family life—be it lessons about patience, self-control, or submission (see 1 Peter 3:1–7).
It’s been a humbling journey to learn what it means to be husband and wife as God intends, but it’s been worthwhile. It has equipped us to stand together as a team, as we learn to be godly parents to our children.
2. Nurture their relationship with God by starting with ourselves.
If you ask children what’s their biggest struggle with their parents, one answer that comes up a lot is “inconsistency”. Their parents teach one thing but do something else. Or act differently at home and in church.
These things make them wonder: Are the things that my parents say about Christianity for real?
Each of us must first pay attention to our own walk with God. If we don’t consistently grow in the knowledge and love of God, we cannot help our kids grow in their relationship with God. If we don’t get this right, it will get harder to transmit our faith to our children, and all the more so as they grow older.
In Ephesians 4:1–6, Paul calls on Christians “to live a life worthy of the calling you have received”, that is, to live in a way that’s consistent with our faith and new life in Jesus. In verse 17, he compares this with the wrong way to live: “You must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking.”
If we don’t consistently grow in the knowledge and love of God, we cannot help our kids grow in their relationship with God.
Our children are watching us for the consistency that faith demands. Only then will they see the value of walking closely with Jesus as His faithful disciples. We must watch the messages we send them through our words, actions, and attitudes, and be careful to keep them consistent with what our children learn in God’s Word.
To live up to this high calling, we need a living and intimate relationship with the Lord for ourselves. That’s why Jesus stressed the critical importance of abiding in Him in John 15:5: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
Let’s strive to remain in Jesus by obeying Him each and every day, so that we can help our children do the same.
3. Choose God’s wisdom—not the world’s ways.
The world has much to say when it comes to parenting. Whenever we get advice on how to parent, we need to carefully assess it in light of what Scripture says.
In Ephesians 5:2, Paul challenges us to “live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us”. We do this by living as “children of light” who bear good fruit, pleasing the Lord (vv. 9–10). Paul adds: “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise” (v. 15).
This means that in everything we do, we always must ask: Does this please the Lord? Is it wise? Is it consistent with Scripture?
We can apply these questions to specific situations—for example, when it comes to gadget use. At what age should we give our kids a phone? How much screen time should we give them? When can we allow them to go on social media, and which apps are okay?
There’s no easy or absolute “correct” answer. Every child, family, and situation is unique. So in trying to answer these questions, we must rely on God’s wisdom through prayer and regular meditation on Scripture.
Let’s keep our focus on building godly character in our kids, so we won’t burden them with worldly anxieties and expectations.
The same can be said for how we approach grades. Our society focuses on performance, often measuring children’s worth by how well they do at school. It’s good to help our children strive for excellence, but there’s something far more important that we ought to impress on them: God’s loving character and the hope He gives us through Christ, which is what anchors us in life.
Our children’s achievements or failures do not define their worth. God defines their worth. Let’s keep our focus on building godly character in our kids, so we won’t burden them with worldly anxieties and expectations.
Remember: You don’t have to get everything right from the beginning.
Getting all these priorities right will be difficult. There are so many things to think about. But here, too, we can draw comfort from God’s Word.
Ephesians 1:3–10 shows us that we are on a journey of constant growth. God chose us even before we knew Him. He’s transforming us into the image of His Son, bit by bit, and empowering us to live in a way that pleases Him.
What does this mean for us parents? It means we don’t have to get everything sorted out immediately. When I started off as a young parent, I aimed to absorb all the advice I got, and make sure I did everything right from day one. Of course, it didn’t work like that. I had much to discover along the way.
We will make mistakes, we will fumble, and we will often struggle with unanswered questions and problems with no quick fix. But it’s all part of the journey—a journey that will require us to keep praying to God for His fatherly guidance, the wisdom of His Son, and the empowerment of His Holy Spirit.
