There is a certain wistfulness as I stand beside my 16-year-old—his arm now draped over my shoulder; my eyes gazing upwards instead of down. My firstborn, who catapulted me into this long, difficult, exciting journey that is motherhood, is now a grown man taller than his dad and me.
This season feels a little like flying a kite—finding that delicate balance of learning to pull and release so that the kite can fly higher, explore the limitless sky, and yet still be safely tethered during tumultuous storms.
I am constantly reminded that my children are not my own. I am merely a steward, raising, teaching, and caring for these five children my heavenly Father has given me for a period. Ultimately, my children are meant to be released from my care, trained and prepared to navigate the world on their own.
As a Christian, I know that my goal is not merely to raise independent adults. Rather, it is to raise adults who recognise their complete dependence on their Creator God, who will live God’s way, in God’s kingdom, for God’s glory.
Every month, we roll out a new resource for families. Subscribe to our email updates, and be the first to get a copy!
The Back-breaking Work of Parenting
My husband and I have been given this responsibility of showing our children how wretched man is, and how glorious Christ is. Doing this requires time, effort, and intentionality.
Right behaviour with no heart change towards God is no change at all.
Over the years, people have remarked how well-behaved our children are. While I am grateful for these compliments, I always receive them cautiously and humbly, because I know that right behaviour with no heart change towards God is no change at all.
It has taken many years of hard work in discipling and disciplining our children from infancy. The little fruit that I now see started way back when the seeds were first sown, laboriously tended to, watered, and pruned, day after day. The back-breaking, behind-the-scenes work is hardly ever seen by people. But it is clearly seen by God and, in His grace, He has honoured, encouraged, and sustained me through it.
“Catching” Precious Moments
The work starts right from the beginning. As parents, we need to be present to “catch” precious moments that happen throughout the day.
Yes, milestones—their first steps, first words, first school performance—are significant. But beyond these, what about the times when children fight with their siblings, act unkindly, or speak rudely to others? Do we catch such moments to discipline and train them? Do we show our children how we displease God with our actions and speech, and how we ought to repent and ask for His forgiveness? Do we teach them obedience and help them restore relationships?
What about mundane, everyday moments such as taking a walk, doing chores and homework, reading and playing, or simply sitting down together? Do we catch these moments to build relationships and memories? Do we create a safe and stable environment that our children know they can always return to?
We can’t expect them to talk just because we tell them to. Are we present when they have something to share?
Sometimes, we may expect our children to abide by our schedule. But they, like us, may need time to process and mull over situations. They may be feeling scared or confused, worried or anxious. We can’t expect them to talk just because we tell them to. It may be at the most unexpected times. Are we present when they have something to share? Will we patiently listen to and pursue our children? And will we assure them with the sure hope of Jesus in these moments?
Preparing Our Children Starts Now
The work of preparing our children for the world begins now. We cannot fall into the lie, thinking that when we have more time, energy, or money, our children will be there waiting for us. If we do not speak Christ into our children’s lives, the world will gladly fill up that space, leading them away from the truth and treasure of living for Jesus.
Lately, I have been asked what parenting looks like for me, now that my children are aged nine to 16.
With little ones, pointing them to Jesus was a lot more instructional. We taught and we corrected. Little ones tend to be more willing to listen and accept what we say. As my children grow older, however, it has become more a conversation of helping them see the connection between faith and life. How does knowing God and His Word affect the way they live and the choices they make?
We cannot fall into the lie, thinking that when we have more time, energy, or money, our children will be there waiting for us.
Some things, of course, remain the same. We still try to catch moments throughout the day, and especially around the dinner table to talk about any and everything. Often, this looks like talking about our day, sharing what we learnt from Sunday sermons or Bible studies, and even lamenting together over the poor performance of our favourite football team.
At other times, we challenge their views and values on their work ethic, encourage godly responses to friends and teachers, and suggest how they can spend their time wisely.
Never Without Hope or Help
There is a running (but also somewhat tragic) joke that when parents ask how to manage their teenagers, the answer is: “It’s a little too late—you should have started years before.”
Teenagers venture out into the world, bringing with them all that they have learnt from their growing years—whether it’s to do with their identity and self-worth, or how they view obedience and submission to authority.
Some of us reading this may feel pangs of guilt, fearing that it really is a little too late. Or, some may feel that they’ve done all the above—and yet their children have not turned out the way they’d hoped and prayed for.
The grace of God is always at work. We are never without hope or help.
We need to hold fast to God’s truth—that salvation is His alone (see Ephesians 2:8–9). No amount of good parenting will save our children; and neither will poor parenting hinder God’s power to save.
The grace of God is always at work. We are never without hope or help. We run to Jesus all the time, no matter our situation, because He is the only one who has the power to move hearts and transform lives.
Slowly Letting Go
For me, the slow release has begun. There is a slight ache knowing my firstborn is slowly leaving the confines of home and becoming more independent, while being so proud of who he is becoming. I constantly thank God for His work in my children’s lives, and can only pray that God will keep them close to Him.
The teaching moments with my children will eventually get fewer and fewer, but I look forward to an evolving relationship with them, as I anticipate adult friendships with my children in future.
As my parents used to tell me, they knew they would not be making decisions for me as I grew older in life, but they always prayed that I would learn to make wise and godly ones along the way. I pray the same for my children, that as we have shown them Christ throughout, they will see what a treasure it is to follow Jesus, making choices that reflect that, and finding true joy in living for Him.
