These days, it’s no longer unusual to hear of people meeting their spouses through dating apps or social media.
And, it’s equally—and unfortunately—common to hear of some people being misled or even scammed through online dating.
“I know of a Christian lady who met a guy on a dating app—and only much later found out that he was already married,” recounts preacher Png Eng Keat, who oversees the youth and young adults ministries at True Way Presbyterian Church.
For some parents, such stories naturally raise concerns—especially if their young adult children are exploring online dating. So, how can parents engage their children in meaningful conversations about online dating? And how can the Bible guide these conversations?
From Family Matchmaking to Free-Will Dating
For one, the Bible itself doesn’t directly address the concept of dating as we understand it today, says Eng Keat. Even Boaz and Ruth, whose love story is described in the book of Ruth, didn’t “date” as we understand it today. “It was a duty-bound, kinship responsibility that brought the two of them together,” he explains.
How two people meet and marry has also been shaped by historical and cultural factors over the millennia, he adds. “Long ago, it was families who made matchmaking arrangements. With more influence from the west, people started to have a choice in dating partners.”
“Meeting potential partners online has become normalised as one way people get together these days.”
The trend of online dating, therefore, is an extension of developments in available technology and our culture of “free will” dating, he says. “Meeting potential partners online has become normalised as one way people get together these days—and there are a lot of success stories.”
One of them is young adult leader Desiree Wong, who met her now-husband on a dating app in 2023. At the time, the youth leader decided to try a dating app because of “limited options of meeting new people outside of my work and social circles,” she says.
“I was also open to the idea as I was a computer gamer so I didn’t feel like it was a ‘taboo’ to use a dating app,” shares Desiree, who leads a cell group for young adults aged 22 to 28.
Potential Pitfalls
While both Eng Keat and Desiree agree that there is nothing wrong with meeting a potential spouse online in and of itself, the attitude and approach people take in online romance can affect the experience.
“I won’t say there’s anything evil or sinful about online dating, but there are certain problems with it—as with anything else,” says Eng Keat, who believes that dating apps in particular can, in some ways, dehumanise or commodify people.
“Because there are so many ‘choices’ of potential life partners out there, it can be easy to forget that these people are created in the image of God,” he says.
Desiree agrees. “Even if you’ve made a choice to get to know someone, there’s definitely a tendency to think: ‘Is there somebody better?’ There’s that illusion of choice.”
Moreover, as prospective dates themselves, people may feel an urge to show the best version of themselves to score a higher chance of being ‘chosen’, unconsciously turning the experience into an effort to ‘sell’ themselves.
While this tendency also exists in the real world, it’s often amplified in virtual space, given the nature of virtual interactions.
“Because there are so many ‘choices’ of potential life partners out there, it can be easy to forget that these people are created in the image of God.”
On top of this, there’s the emotional and mental stress of encountering deceptive individuals, Eng Keat adds. “Some invest a lot of emotional energy in chatting online—only to find out that they’re not who they presented themselves to be when they finally meet in person.”
There’s also the danger of female users receiving unsolicited sexually explicit messages, even if they’re genuinely seeking a life partner, says Eng Keat, a father of two daughters.
Nevertheless, not all dating apps or platforms are created equal. Desiree points out that some may include features that can amplify or mitigate some of these risks. For instance, the dating app she used to meet her husband featured writing prompts about users’ likes, dislikes, beliefs, and interests, which could be displayed on their profiles.
“I felt that this function allowed me to get a better sense of people,” says Desiree, who is also an adjunct lecturer and research scientist.
When to Talk to Our Kids about Online Dating
Desiree and Eng Keat note that it’s increasingly common for teenagers to use social media platforms like Instagram to meet potential partners.
Young adults, on the other hand, often turn to dating apps if they haven’t found a suitable partner within their existing social circle, typically one to two years after starting work, observes Eng Keat, who has taught Christian education and provided pastoral counselling to youths.
Both Eng Keat and Desiree agree that students in tertiary institutions like junior college, polytechnic, or university are generally too young to be dating online. “That season of life is meant for hanging out with friends, and trying out new activities or hobbies,” says Desiree.
Even so, parents can begin having conversations about online dating as early as age 14 to 15—or even earlier, “when their teens begin having interest in the opposite sex”, suggests Eng Keat. That way, parents can get a sense of how much their teens know about online dating.
As they do so, Desiree advises parents to be open to hear from their teens and understand their motivations “without overreacting”. As they keep their communication open, parents may find the opportunity to share their take on the issue.
“Are You Ready for Marriage?”
One approach parents could take is to ask their children: “Do you think you’re ready to date?” In other words: Are you ready for the kind of commitment that could lead to marriage?
In Help! How to Talk to My Kids about Love, Sex, and Marriage, Dr. Cheah Fung Fong, a medical doctor and frequent speaker at Christian parenting workshops and conferences, writes:
“As there are many definitions of dating, it’s good to establish a common definition that you and your children understand. For example, you could agree with your children that dating is having an exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend with the end-goal of determining whether to marry the person or not.”
Parents could, for example, gently prompt their young adult children to consider whether they are more or less mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially ready for the lifelong commitment of marriage.
Another question parents can ask is: “Are you clear on what you want in your life partner?”
“Before my youths start dating, I ask them what their criteria are for a potential partner,” says Desiree. “I tell them to set their criteria high, so that they narrow their pool of potential partners early on. This way, they don’t waste their time and energy on people who clearly aren’t a good fit in the long run.”
“It’s understandable that many young people crave companionship, especially when they see their friends around them getting attached. A cell member once told me: ‘Being unattached makes me feel unwanted.’”
If parents find that their children are already dating online but don’t seem ready or mature enough for marriage, they can gently and prayerfully understand their motivation to find a partner.
“It’s understandable that many young people crave companionship, especially when they see their friends around them getting attached,” says Desiree. “A cell member once told me: ‘Being unattached makes me feel unwanted.’”
“As parents, we can acknowledge and validate our children’s feelings and that it is a struggle,” she says. “We should send the message that we’re not against them but for them. At the end of the day, we want to support them in making decisions that are wise, rather than ones that might lead to unnecessary and avoidable pain.”
Make Dating a “Side Quest”, Not Life Quest
For one, parents can gently advise their teens and young adult children to make dating “more of a side quest than life quest”, says Eng Keat. One way is by encouraging them to “spend their singlehood meaningfully” by focusing on serving God in their youth.
Citing 1 Corinthians 7:8, Eng Keat says: “It’s better to remain single as far as possible, especially at such a young age. Being anxious or insecure about your relationship status can also lead people to make bad decisions.”
Desiree, too, encourages young people to explore new activities and social circles before considering dating apps. “I ask my youths: ‘Why do you see the need to go on dating apps? Are there other in-person opportunities? How can we explore getting you more involved in church life first?’”
The Two Greatest Commandments in Life—and Dating
For young adult children who are already exploring online dating, parents can remind them of the two greatest commandments in the Bible:
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’”
— Matthew 22:37–39
Obeying Jesus’ first command to love God totally means devoting oneself to God and His kingdom (6:33), and entrusting oneself to God. For Desiree, this personally meant putting the online dating process in God’s hands and trusting that He would make straight her paths (see Proverbs 3:5–7), even as she continued actively serving in church.
She also sought God’s discernment to sieve out genuine believers amongst her prospective matches. Based on her experience, she says, there were people who “claimed to be Christians but were not living out their faith”. This became evident in her conversations with them over time, based on the things they said (or not).
“The most important quality in a life partner must be a love for God,” stresses Desiree.
“As Christians, we’re called to be honest and blameless in our behaviour and interactions.”
Aside from the first command to love God, Jesus’ second command to love others means showing honour and respect to prospective dates—both online and offline. This means abiding by the ‘golden rule’ in Matthew 7:12—to “do to others what you would like them to do to you”—regardless of how people meet, says Desiree.
Parents, for one, can remind their children to honour others as siblings in Christ, says Eng Keat, instead of seeing prospective dates as simply “products or commodities”. 1 Timothy 5:1–2 is instructive in this regard, with Paul exhorting Timothy and fellow believers to “treat younger men as brothers . . . and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.”
It is also important to avoid giving a false testimony of ourselves in how we represent ourselves online. Says Eng Keat: “As Christians, we’re called to be honest and blameless in our behaviour and interactions.”
Desiree also suggests for parents to encourage their children to share about their dating journey with their church or cell group leaders and being “open and accountable” to them, so that they can be supported by their church community.
Giving Our Young Adult Children Space
While parents can and should have conversations with their teenage and young adult children about the perils and principles of online dating, both Desiree and Eng Keat say that parents should be mindful to give their children the space to make their own decisions at the end of the day.
“Our young adult children are digital natives, so we do need to respect them and their way of handling things,” says Eng Keat. “We should show them concern but also give them that slight distance, and be ready to step in if there are red flags.”
“As parents, we’ve got to recognise that our children are digital natives who are growing up in such a culture where online dating is normalised, and this means that they may have the ‘street smarts’ to know how to deal with it,” he continues.
“Our young adult children are digital natives, so we do need to respect them and their way of handling things. We should show them concern but also give them that slight distance, and be ready to step in if there are red flags.”
Regardless of what our young adult children decide, parents would do well to keep the channel of communication open. “Some of my cell members share that their parents can be very quick to react and jump to conclusions, instead of hearing where they’re really coming from and why they do certain things,” says Desiree.
“As parents, we can take a stance of genuine curiosity and be open to hear from our children without reacting first.”
Eng Keat agrees. “Even if we’re concerned, we should refrain from being overbearing, or making hurtful or critical comments. At the end of the day, we want to speak into our child’s life.”
