Recently, I reflected on my 16 years of parenting and asked myself: What have I learnt in all this time? And are any of these lessons useful for other parents?
And so, I have come up with a list of lessons I’ve learnt, that I would like to share with parents so they won’t stumble the way I did (and still do!).
First, however, a disclaimer: I’ve not successfully done everything on this list. Parenting is a journey of successes and failures, of wise decisions and missteps.
Yet, this is something we all go through. We need not regret or blame ourselves for any misses along the way. God is, after all, the driver of our lives when we surrender to Him. He remains faithful to guide us back to His set path for us, even when we make wrong turns.
With that disclaimer firmly in place, let’s dive in.
1. Take your kids down into the “valleys”.
We need to expose our children—regularly and deliberately—to situations, people, and environments that are less privileged than their own lived experience.
Infrequent forays into these “valleys” won’t do. We need to ensure that our kids’ exposure to such circumstances will be regular enough so it won’t devolve into an overly simplistic case of contrast and comparison, lest our kids start thinking they’re better than others.
Neither do we want our kids, after only one or two encounters of this nature, to come away determined to cling tighter to their privileged lives, for fear of losing the lifestyle and possessions they’ve gotten used to. Because, as Job starkly says: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall depart” (1:21).
What we want through regular “valley ventures” is for our kids to learn humility and gratitude, early and well—to hold on less tightly to temporal things like money and material goods.
The theme of compassion for the underprivileged is often found in the Bible, and it’s beholden on us parents to make this tangible in our children’s lives.
Our prayer would be for them to spare a thought for others instinctively, and pay it forward whenever they can.
When my two sons were younger, we brought them to volunteer with local charities. They helped raise funds and packed food items and necessities, to be sent to communities in need. We’ve also brought them along on a short overseas trip to bring cheer to an orphanage in a nearby country.
To help our kids see beyond their own world, we explained to them the purpose of their efforts and the good they were doing. The theme of compassion for the underprivileged is often found in the Bible, and it’s beholden on us parents to make this tangible in our children’s lives.
As 1 John 3:17–18 exhorts us:
“If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”
2. Get them to read the news.
To help our children know that the world is bigger than their bedroom, another thing we can do is to talk to them about news and current affairs in a way appropriate to their age.
It’s good for our kids to know not only what’s going on, but also what came before them and what might come ahead. That might mean encouraging our kids to read up on history, for example, and how it influences our world today.
Many educational institutions, especially at the tertiary level, now cover global trends and issues too, so that the young would develop broader perspectives and be able to hold their own when discussing topics across a wide spectrum.
As parents, we can also aim to raise our children to be global citizens who aren’t inward-looking or self-centred. In short, let’s plug them into the global community—and, in so doing, connect them in solidarity with the whole human race.
If this idea sounds overly practical or worldly, consider biblical examples like Nehemiah and Daniel of the Old Testament, as well as Paul and our Lord Jesus in the New Testament. Each of them had to wrestle with the cultures and politics of the time, often in lands that were hostile to them.
Yet, despite the odds, they never wavered from engaging actively with society in pursuit of their cause to spread the fragrance of God wherever they were (2 Corinthians 2:15).
At the same time, let’s practise discernment in what and how much to share with our children—again, making sure it’s as age-appropriate as possible—lest they become overwhelmed with a deluge of news about the latest war, political crisis, or environmental disaster.
3. Help them stay offline.
Have you ever thought about not giving kids a personal device, like a phone or tablet, until they are at least 13 years old or older?
Many of us often forget that excessive screen time, doomscrolling, and bingeing on memes can result in—ironically—boredom, restlessness, sloth, and a loss of purpose and motivation.
Such unhealthy habits can also dull our senses, in the same way that gambling, pornography, and drug addiction can rob us of our lucidity—or destroy it altogether. I say this, by the way, not just for our kids! Let’s face it: we adults are just as guilty when it comes to addiction to our devices (myself included).
Screen time, in moderate doses, can be helpful and educational. 1 Corinthians 6:12, however, serves as a word of caution in this regard. Using a device isn’t sinful in and of itself. But not everything is good for us—especially when there’s a risk of us becoming enslaved to those things.
The key is balance, though my own experience has taught me that it’s easier said than done. Rare are the moments in the past few years when I’ve not felt some pang of guilt and regret for giving my firstborn his own mobile phone when he turned 13.
That singular decision has given me much vexation over the last few years. It didn’t help that his school issued him a personal learning tablet.
Even though I signed a “mobile contract” with my son before the said device was presented to him, I’ve struggled to consistently impose the terms and conditions therein. Doing so often required more time and effort on my part. It also ran the risk of impeding his schoolwork—which was often delivered by his school to his gadgets.
Using a device isn’t sinful in and of itself. But not everything is good for us—especially when there’s a risk of us becoming enslaved to those things.
What can we do as parents? Perhaps we could spend more time offline ourselves first, seeking “slow dopamine” moments that don’t involve screens. We can also think about ways to weave non-digital moments into our family life. Examples include reading printed material, hands-on hobbies, card and board games, and outdoor activities with our kids.
At home, for example, I try to engage my kids in board and card games like Boggle, Sequence, and Uno. The best part is how these games open up conversations and help us spend meaningful time together as a family.
Yes, they may protest at times, but if you insist and keep at it long enough, they may not only capitulate, but even warm up to the routine. Throw in a good dose of conversation about anything and everything during the game, and watch your relationship over time transform for the better!
4. Start them on the habit of saving.
Few parents wouldn’t appreciate the importance of teaching their kids to save for a rainy day. After all, the habit of prudence and diligent saving is one that the book of Proverbs repeatedly praises (see 6:6–8, 10:4–5, 21:20).
If I could turn back the clock, however, I’d have put more effort into regularly bringing home the message of saving to my boys, both directly and indirectly.
One direct way might have been getting them a piggy bank to save money in, placed prominently in their room as a daily visual reminder. We may have brought them to the nearest bank outlet periodically, to deposit the pocket money they saved after spending on food and stationery at school.
An indirect way could have been telling them openly and honestly about how Daddy and Mummy saved up to buy our home, how we had to take loans and pay up, and how we are careful with our budgets.
As with Point 2 on getting them to read the news, we could also talk to our kids about the role that money plays in our economy and society, using history and current affairs as examples to focus our discussion.
The point would be to help our kids never to take material possessions and purchasing power as a given—and to make sure they never treat their parents like ATMs!
5. Get them to try out gigs.
Another idea flows naturally from the previous point: how about getting kids to understand the importance of paid work when they are old enough to work? It would not just occupy their time during the holidays, but help them to learn first–hand the importance of hard work and effort.
After all, the book of Proverbs also speaks highly of the value of “diligent hands”, while highlighting the consequence of laziness (12:24).
Even preschool kids can be given simple tasks around the house and be “paid” as a way of incentivising their effort. At that age, the mode of payment need not be purely monetary. It can take the form of a treat they enjoy, like ice–cream or extra time at the playground.
In the case of teens, it’s more important for them to find meaningful gigs to engage themselves productively, and pick up work skills that will prepare them for adulthood. Working might also teach them to appreciate how their parents earn a living.
Your kids may need your help—and motivation or urging—to put in the effort to look for gigs. Ask around, search online, or trawl shopping malls to find shop owners and vendors looking for temporary help.
Even turning a regular or one-off household chore into a paid gig for your child is better than nothing. My family is moving into our new home now, and part of the process has been packing, donating, selling, or discarding stuff over the past months. Naturally, we got our kids involved as we needed all hands on deck for such a massive undertaking.
Overall, they’ve been a big help and have chipped in well. So, I might even consider paying them (in kind if not monetarily) for their hard work these many weeks.
I just need to forewarn them Daddy may not pay well!
