When Christopher Tan’s eldest son was a baby, his mother-in-law graciously helped to take care of him while he and his wife, Rebecca, were at work.
While Christopher and Rebecca were grateful for her “loving and invaluable support”, over time, her “warm and generous approach” to caregiving sometimes made it challenging to set boundaries for her son, recalled Christopher, who was the former national director of Our Daily Bread Ministries Singapore until 2023.
They then decided to place him under the care of his own mother, which resulted in “another set of issues”. “My mum was the complete opposite—she was very strict, which was stifling for my son,” he said.
This incident served as an important lesson for Christopher, a longtime Christian ministry worker. “Placing a child under the care and authority of different caregivers impacts character-building, whether good or bad,” he said.
“No One to Learn From”
When Christopher was 16, he accepted Christ at a church youth fellowship camp. There, he heard the Person, works, and teachings of Christ clearly explained for the first time. “Jesus’ command to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him (Matthew 16:24) deeply resonated with me,” he said.
During the 12 years Christopher served as a regular officer in the armed forces, most of his colleagues and friends were non-Christians. “I didn’t have many friends who were good examples of how to be a godly parent,” he said. “So, it was a lot of self-learning, and learning from their examples—both good and bad.”
For one, he saw how some of his friends pressurised their children in their studies—which he avoided doing. “For me, what was more important was their character and growing in godliness,” said Christopher, who is a father of three and grandfather of four today.
Modelling God’s Fatherly Love
Despite not having any godly role models growing up, Christopher sought to raise his sons in light of his own relationship with his heavenly Father.
“Knowing that God is always loving, forgiving, and present through the highs and lows of my life taught me to reflect these qualities to my sons,” he said.
“I wanted to demonstrate through my actions how God relates to me as my Father, trusting that this would provide them with an example of how much their heavenly Father loves them,” Christopher explained, citing Deuteronomy 6:5.
“Knowing that we are called to love God with all our heart, soul, and strength, reminds me to demonstrate my love for God in every aspect of my life, especially within my family,” he added.
Even though his own parents were not particularly affectionate—Christopher couldn’t recall a single time his father hugged him—he had no problem with being physically affectionate with his sons, who are now adults. “Even till today, I hug them when I see them,” Christopher said, smiling.
Seizing Every Opportunity
After their initial experience with their eldest son, Christopher and his wife, Rebecca, became more intentional in their caregiving when their second son came along five years later, followed by their third son another four years later.
They enrolled their three boys in kindergarten, and hired a helper who took care of them while he and his wife were at work. They were careful, however, to ensure that their helper didn’t take a “lead role” in caregiving, said Christopher.
Although both worked full-time and were “hard-pressed for time”, they “worked doubly hard” on weekday nights and weekends to guide and take care of their children, he said. “We tried to seize whatever opportunities we had to help them grow rightly.”
Weaving the Gospel Into Life at Home
For one, they tried to impart godly values by making use of every teachable moment they had with their children. The Deuteronomy 6:7–9 principle of teaching God’s commandments to children guided Christopher in his years of fatherhood. “We tried to make our home the best and safest place to nurture, equip, and prepare our children for the world,” he shared.
Aside from reading Bible stories and singing worship songs as a family, Christopher weaved Scripture into their conversations, to make God’s Word relevant to his family’s daily lives. This was with the aim of creating an environment where God’s Word was “central and ever-present”, Christopher said.
“We tried to make our home the best and safest place to nurture, equip, and prepare our children for the world.”
Interestingly, the family did not adopt a regular, “structured Bible study”, which never seemed to work for them, he said. “Impressing upon my sons God’s Word seemed to be most effective when they were faced with a crisis—that’s when we would bring Scripture into our conversations in a natural way.”
Said Christopher: “I tried to be intentional in asking them questions like what they did in school and who their friends were. Of course, in the course of our conversations they would disclose certain things.
“And that’s when I would affirm if they did the right things like helping their friends, and gently correct them if they did things I disapproved of, like being dishonest or not doing their homework. I might say something like: ‘Do you think that was the correct thing to do?’”
Christopher would also often remind his sons: “Every decision you take, whether right or wrong, has a consequence.”
The Art of Correction
Being well aware of man’s propensity to wander, Christopher’s biggest fear as a father was that his children would turn away from the faith. Rebecca, in particular, prayed fervently and often for their children—“more than I did”, he quipped.
So, when all three boys accepted Christ—one in primary school, and the other two in their teens—he and Rebecca were joyful, but careful not to take their children’s salvation for granted. “We were very much aware that salvation must result in the bearing of fruit of sanctification,” said Christopher.
This was where the “art of correcting” came in handy, said Christopher, citing Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
When their sons were younger, he and his wife sought to teach and instruct more than they reasoned with them. But as they grew into teenagers and young adults, both had to tread a delicate balance between training and instructing without exasperating their children.
This meant rejoicing with their sons during happy occasions, and seeking to listen and understand their struggles before offering any answers or solutions, said Christopher. “It can be so tempting to tell them what to do. Sometimes, as parents, we want to live our children’s lives for them—but we can’t.”
“Not About What We Say, But How We Say It”
Learning the art of correction also meant refraining from reacting impulsively, and taking the time to pray and think about the matter at hand, shared Christopher. When opportunity arose, he would then gently bring it up with his children.
Christopher recalled a time when one of his teenage sons got together with a non-Christian. He said: “I was watchful of whom they dated. Of course, I never told them they shouldn’t date a particular girl, but I would ask questions like: ‘Do you see this person as someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?’”
“This is one way I would try to intervene indirectly without telling my children what to do,” he added.
“When we correct others, they may leave our conversation feeling unhappy. But is there a way that, when we correct them, they go away feeling thankful instead?”
More recently, one of Christopher’s adult sons spoke to Rebecca in a harsh tone when they were out. Instead of confronting him angrily at that point, Christopher took some time to pray about it, and messaged his son afterwards, sharing that he felt offended by his tone towards his mother.
“He replied after a while, acknowledging where he had gone wrong and said that he shouldn’t have spoken to her that way,” said Christopher. His son later went on to apologise to Rebecca.
Situations like these have made Christopher realise the importance of his tone and words as a parent. “When we correct others, they may leave our conversation feeling unhappy. But is there a way that, when we correct them, they go away feeling thankful instead?”
Added Christopher: “Oftentimes, it’s not about what we say—it’s about how we say it.
When Parental Failures Lead to Faith Lessons
Although all three of Christopher’s sons have since grown up, with two of them fathers themselves now, Christopher admits that his parenting journey over the decades was not without its fair share of mistakes.
One of his sons struggled with maths in primary school, which left Christopher exasperated. “I felt that he wasn’t trying his best, and there was once I was so frustrated that I smacked his head. He cried, and I felt very bad afterwards.”
God’s Word confronted him, particularly Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
“By admitting our shortcomings, we taught them to trust Him, who would never fail or forsake them.”
Christopher went on to apologise to his son, with the incident serving as a reminder of the importance of confession to his children.
“We acknowledged our failures as parents, and used those moments to point our sons to the unfailing nature of God,” said Christopher. “By admitting our shortcomings, we taught them to trust Him, who would never fail or forsake them.”
“God Meets Our Needs, Not Our Greed”
One thing Christopher struggled with personally, for example, was having to forgo a “well-paying job” in the army when he started full-time Christian ministry work. He recalled that in his first year, there was “not enough money coming in”, with his first month’s salary coming in weeks late.
He also grappled with the reality of having to raise his own salary, and no longer having regular annual bonuses. His eldest son was just four years old then.
“I was struggling. But God taught me one thing: it’s so easy to talk about trusting God, but when rubber meets the road, trust must be an experience, not just a word,” said Christopher, who went on to serve as part of the leadership team in Singapore Youth For Christ in 1989, and later took on the role of national director from 1999 to 2005.
“God was helping me to understand what trust really looked like,” he added.
“It’s so easy to talk about trusting God, but when rubber meets the road, trust must be an experience, not just a word.”
All this meant that when, years later, his children came to him with requests for a new handphone or laptop, he would share from his own personal example of learning to trust in God’s timely providence.
“We often had conversations about how I am serving full-time, and how God gives us just enough,” said Christopher. “If He gives us so much, we might not be able to handle it—I might not be able to handle it. God meets our needs, not our greed.”
“We had to teach our kids that they did not have things because they wanted it. Everybody wants a lot of things, but we have to ask ourselves: Do we really need it?”
Be the Channels for God
As a grandfather of four littles ones now, who range from 2 to 6 years old, Christopher’s advice for younger parents is this: Don’t embitter or oppress your kids.
“Your children are formed by God, and yes, they are tainted by sin. But God is their source of help and we can be His channels,” he advised.
With both parents working full-time in many families, Christopher also emphasised the importance of parents being intentional in spending time bonding with their children, and ensuring that other caregivers—whether grandparents or helpers—do not replace or usurp parental roles and responsibilities.
And, for those whose children are now young adults, Christopher had this to say: “Learn to strike a friendship with them.” This means, at times, “giving up our ‘rights’ as parents”, by being humble to hear and receive feedback from them.
“We must give our kids an opportunity to point out to us our shortcomings, if we have done certain things that are not right,” said Christopher. “Just as friends tell the honest truth to each other, we too should give our children the right to correct us gently.”
“Let’s not miss out on learning how to be a better, godlier parent because of our pride.”
