It’s a parent’s worst nightmare.
Your teenager comes home from school one day and confronts you with a slew of questions: “Is God even real? How can we trust the Bible? Is everything you taught me about this faith a lie?”
Some children start asking these questions as early as 10 or 11 years of age, observes Desiree Phua, a church youth leader.
“At that age they begin to think for themselves a lot more, particularly if they’re exposed to non-believers, who might question them about their faith,” says Desiree, who leads a cell group for youths aged 19 to 24.
“By the time they ask these questions, many would have been thinking about them for some time,” she adds.
How then should we respond to our teens when they ask such questions?
Be Quick to Listen, Slow to Speak
“You can say things like ‘How do you feel about that?’ or ‘What happened next?’” suggests Tee Eehan, a youth worker at Singapore Youth For Christ (SYFC). “Asking questions isn’t about getting our point across, but giving them the space to speak.”
Desiree agrees. “Our teenagers want to know we’re interested in how they feel or what they think. They’re more than happy to let you into their world if you ask.”
Even so, building trust with your children requires time and effort. To encourage open conversations with your teens, Eehan suggests using a range of communication tools such as WhatsApp messaging if they are reluctant to talk.
He cautions against dismissing their questions, even if those questions sound “blasphemous”. “If you use dismissive language like ‘Just have faith’ or ‘Why do you ask such stupid questions?’, it may make them less willing to talk to you,” he says.
“Our teenagers want to know we’re interested in how they feel or what they think. They’re more than happy to let you into their world if you ask.”
“Instead, we can ask questions to clarify the premise of what they’re saying. The way we listen and speak should be welcoming, not seeking to put them down.”
Don’t Be Afraid of Questions
It can be a positive sign for teens to ask questions, Desiree believes, as it would be a signal that they are trying to better understand their faith.
“Give your children freedom to ask questions—and join them in their quest to find answers,” says Desiree, who is currently pursuing a degree in apologetics at Biola University.
“Teens are more inclined to follow the lead of parents who are confident in their faith and are willing to engage with questions at a deeper level.”
“Young teenagers do look to their parents for confidence—even if they don’t acknowledge it. Teens can tell if their parents aren’t confident about what they believe, and many of them can’t accept blind faith.”
“On the other hand, teens are more inclined to follow the lead of parents who are confident in their faith and are willing to engage with questions at a deeper level,” Desiree says.
Desiree finds it helpful to understand questions teens may ask, using the following three categories:
-
Apologetic questions on the objective reality of the Christian faith such as
Is God real?
How do we know the Bible is true?
Is Jesus Christ a real person? -
Doctrinal questions which can relate to fundamental beliefs such as
What is the Trinity?
How can Jesus be fully God and fully human?Other questions are secondary as they do not directly impact salvation, and believers can agree to disagree on the answers. These include
How will the world end?
Why do Christians disagree about baptism?
Does God predestine our salvation? -
Pastoral questions on interpersonal and social issues such as
Can I hang out with my gay friends?
Is it wrong to get tattoos?
“Knowing the motivation behind your teen’s questions is important,” says Desiree. “If it comes purely from the head—in other words, an intellectual curiosity—then we can just find out the answer together with our teens.”
“But if it’s coming from the heart and our teens ask because something is weighing on them, or they see their friend hurting and suffering, that’s when we need to listen, empathise, and help them process the question,” she says.
Sometimes, however, there might be no clear answers. In these cases, parents can fall back on the character of God. “We might not have the answer now, but there are answers out there, and we can reach certain conclusions or probabilities based on what we know about God and His Word,” says Desiree.
Avoid Overreliance on the Church
While parents can work with the church and youth workers to answer their teens’ questions, completely “outsourcing” or delegating matters to the church should not be a first response, says Eehan.
It might feel easier to pass this responsibility to others we feel are more capable or knowledgeable, but Eehan suggests that it is more effective for parents to “wrestle” together with their kids over a period of time.
In this way, teenagers can develop confidence in their parents’ convictions. “At the same time, we can walk in tandem with the church so there’s support and reinforcement,” he adds.
The more parents and teens join to question, learn, and understand, the more confident our families can be in their faith, says Desiree. “Christianity isn’t a blind faith but a thinking faith. If God is a God of truth, then truth can stand up to questioning,” she says. “He isn’t afraid of our questions, but are we ready to search for the answers?”
For example, parents can journey with their teens in finding out about the historical evidence for Jesus. “We can show our youths how His death has been recorded by sources outside the Bible, and resulted in the rise of the early church because the people witnessed His resurrection,” says Desiree. “When we show our youths that His resurrection really did happen, it proves to them that Jesus existed as a real person in history—and that He is God.”
Show That Your Faith Is Relevant
While some questions can be answered by historical evidence, others may not be as clear-cut. In his two decades walking with youths, the two questions Eehan often hears are “Is God real?” and “How do we know the Bible is trustworthy?”
“From young, our children were taught that God is God, and they might have accepted it then,” says Eehan. “But as they grow older, people begin to challenge that—after all, we can’t literally see or feel Him.”
In his two decades walking with youths, the two questions Eehan often hears are “Is God real?” and “How do we know the Bible is trustworthy?”
He points out that parents have a unique role in showing their children that God is real in and through their own life, leading, guiding, and teaching them.
“The existence of God isn’t tangible in the way that we can see or touch other people,” says Eehan, who leads SYFC’s efforts to reach the digital generation. “But we can say how God has been real to us, and that can help them step into the realm of intangibility.”
Parents can share personal encounters of how they have witnessed God’s faithfulness and goodness—in both momentous events and daily living.
“When I explain the Holy Spirit’s existence to my youths, I might share how the Spirit recently prompted me to do things I would’ve never done in my own flesh,” he says. “And I credit this to God’s saving and sanctifying work in my life.”
As for questions on the reliability of the Bible, Eehan encourages parents to live out the answer. “Our kids and teens should see us reading and referencing it, so they know it’s truly a book that can guide us,” he says.
We Don’t Need to Know Everything
At the same time, parents can take comfort that we don’t need to know all the answers, say both Eehan and Desiree. What matters is being confident that there are answers—in God himself. As Job 12:9–10, 13 declares:
Which of all these does not know
that the hand of the Lord has done this?
In his hand is the life of every creature
and the breath of all mankind.
“To God belong wisdom and power;
counsel and understanding are his.
“While we can have clear answers to some questions, there are some that we can’t fully answer, like how God can exist as three in One or why He allows a particular evil to happen,” says Desiree.
“That’s completely fine. We can and should recognise that we will never have all the answers, because God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:8–9). What we can do is to acknowledge our teens’ questions, show interest, and say, ‘Let’s learn together.’ That is how their questions can guide and motivate them to seek a deeper understanding of God’s truths and relevance.”
“We will never have all the answers. What we can do is to acknowledge our teens’ questions, show interest, and say, ‘Let’s learn together.’”
For Eehan who has a 2-year-old daughter and a 15-month-old son, giving an answer for his faith starts early. “The way we live, speak, and cultivate spiritual practices at home like family prayer and devotion will eventually bear fruit,” he says. “Let’s not wait till our kids turn 13 or 14 before we start to think about how to respond to their questions. It starts with us today.”
