As a mother of seven, I’ve had the privilege of learning and re-learning, applying and reapplying what the Bible says about training our children in God’s ways many, many times. Over the years, He has directed our steps in our journey of parenting.

It’s never easy to be a parent, and we’ve had our fair share of challenges. But we thank God for His grace and wisdom in enabling us to train our children—now between the ages of 2 and 21—in His ways and to build relationships based on love, trust, and mutual respect.

When we first became parents, we discovered the truth of Romans 3:23 (KJV): “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” Our children are born with a sinful nature, and if left to themselves, this nature will manifest itself more and more with every passing day.

Godly parenting are God’s loving intervention for a child to learn how to deny his flesh and submit to the Holy Spirit. In other words, the goal of training a child in God’s ways, I believe, is for him to grow in self-control and obedience to God.

The goal of training a child in God’s ways, I believe, is for him to grow in self-control and obedience to God.

Many parents are familiar with the instructions of Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV).

It is interesting that the Hebrew word for “train up” bears the meaning of “to dedicate”, as in dedicating a temple. This carries the connotation of intention, planning, and execution.

Training up children isn’t just about moulding them to be well-behaved. It’s about taking deliberate steps to grow them to become people whom the Lord can use, and whose will can be directed by the Holy Spirit.

Here are some principles of which my husband and I have learnt and adapted from biblical literature, watching other families, and—most importantly—the Bible, which instructs us in His ways.

Give Us This Day 12

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1. Teach Submission to Parental Authority

 In our family, we sometimes tend to make our youngest child the centre of our universe.

We realise, however, that this runs the risk of putting her likes, dislikes, and schedule at the centre of all family decisions. This can breed self-centredness—and even contempt for parental authority—in time to come.

At such times, my husband and I try to remind ourselves that as parents, we need to exercise our God-given responsibility to steward and teach our children God’s ordained order of authority and submission.

We need to exercise our God-given responsibility to steward and teach our children God’s ordained order of authority and submission.

In our family, this means establishing our parental authority so that our children will learn to respect and submit to us. If I’m teaching my young daughter, for example, and I can see her mind wandering because she’s reached the limit of her attention, I might say: “Pay attention. I’m almost done.”

I might then cut short the lesson—without her knowing—and move on to something else. In other words, I try not to give the impression that she can get away with not listening whenever she doesn’t feel like it.

In the same way, my husband and I try to uphold our parental authority in collective decisions, whether it’s choosing where to go for an outing or when it is time to return home.

2. Follow Through with Commands

Anyone who has handled a young child will know that they have a will of their own—and they’re more than happy to exercise it! Many of us parents can probably relate to having a tired and cranky one-year-old who refuses to take a nap even when his body needs it. It takes an adult, who knows better, to override his will and get him to lie down.

Over the years, I’ve learned to choose my instructions wisely, and to follow through with them—and not to change my mind, or mete out empty threats of punishment when my child refuses to obey.

For example, I try to speak clearly and simply when giving instructions to my youngest daughter. I might say, “Lie down here”, or “Cup, no-no”. If she refuses to listen, I might warn her: “Do you want to lie down here, or do you want a spanking?” (More on physical discipline later!)

I’ve learned to choose my instructions wisely, and to follow through with them.

Some parents may choose to reason with young children, or explain why they ought to obey a particular instruction. However, our personal take is to first impart to our children the value of listening and obeying our commands; there will be a time and place for explanations and reasoning when they are older.

And while meting out discipline when they disobey may seem harsh—and can be difficult for us as parents—we need to follow through with our commands in love, so that children can learn the value of obedience.

3. Use the Rod Judiciously

The use of the rod in training up children has been highly debated, and various interpretations made of biblical verses like Proverbs 23:13–14 (KJV):

Withhold not correction from the child:
for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod,
and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

As we hold to the interpretation of the “rod” as a literal physical rod, or “staff” or “branch”, my husband and I personally believe that we are commanded to use physical discipline—judiciously—on disobedient, rebellious, or “foolish” children, out of love and for the purpose of correction.

The rod is an object of discipline wielded when there is an infringement of a rule; it is not a tool of vengeance or anger.

Such discipline, however, has to be meted out calmly and firmly.

The rod is an object of discipline wielded when there is an infringement of a rule; it is not a tool of vengeance or anger. We should strive never to use the rod in anger, or it will detract from the intended lesson of obedience: a child might perceive his punishment to be a result of his parents’ anger, rather than his disobedience. Over time, this may breed bitterness over what he sees as bullying behaviour.

As such, we believe that physical discipline ought to be carried out both firmly and calmly. Some principles my husband and I follow include stating the reason for the punishment, varying the intensity of the discipline according to the severity of their offence, and administering the discipline in privacy to avoid shaming our child.

4. Teach after the Punishment

The rod and reproof give wisdom:
but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
—Proverbs 29:15 (KJV)

After disciplining our children, we make sure to teach or reprove them so that they can understand why their actions have resulted in the punishment, and gain wisdom not to commit the same offence again.

While it may be painful for parents to mete out such discipline, we can take heart that we are training our children for life. If they can learn these lessons at a tender age, they will be spared much pain later on in life.

5. Reconcile in Forgiveness and Love

Disciplining our child doesn’t stop there, however. Something in a parent-child relationship has been broken when a child infringes a parent’s commands and is punished for it. This is why we believe it’s important that forgiveness is both sought and extended after the punishment is meted out.

Reconciliation could look like the following:

• Our child acknowledges his wrong and seeks forgiveness: “Papa, I was wrong to hit mei mei (‘sister’ in Chinese). I will try to be more patient and self-controlled. Please forgive me.”
• We accept his apology and express our forgiveness: “I love you and forgive you, son. Let’s ask God to forgive you, and help you to be more patient when mei mei tests your patience.”
• Most importantly, we give them an assurance of our love, such as hugs, and words of hope and affirmation.

Something in a parent-child relationship has been broken when a child infringes a parent’s commands and is punished for it.

This demonstration of forgiveness and love also gives our children a sense of how God forgives, so that they will better understand the message of the gospel—that Jesus died for their sin, and they need to ask God for forgiveness to be reconciled to Him.

To wit, that God was in Christ,
reconciling the world unto himself,
not imputing their trespasses unto them;
and hath committed unto us
the word of reconciliation.
Now then we are ambassadors for Christ,
as though God did beseech you by us:
we pray you in Christ’s stead, be ye reconciled to God.
For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin;
that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.
— 2 Corinthians 5:19–21 (KJV)

. . . But Above All, Show Love

While teaching our children submission, following through with commands, using the rod judiciously, and reconciling with them are part of training them up in God’s ways, these are, of course, not the only interactions we have with them!

At the end of the day, the bulk of training goes to praising, encouraging, and showing love to our children—which teach them far better than anything else.

At the end of the day, the bulk of training goes to praising, encouraging, and showing love to our children—which teach them far better than anything else.

In this, we might do well to remember how our heavenly Father treats us:

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd:
he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently
lead those that are with young.
—Isaiah 40:11 (KJV)

Indeed, God is kind, gentle, and patient with us—and we can do no less for our children.