When my husband and I got married in 2016, we were optimistic about having a child. After all, both of us were healthy, athletic, and in our early thirties.
I even took part in a maternal health research study for women who were planning to conceive within a year. The doctors would check on the participants’ body vitals, and follow up on the health of the pregnant mothers and subsequently on their children.
As part of the study, I went for various health checks, and it seemed like all was well and good—I was a prime subject for their study.
Despite actively trying to conceive for a year, however, nothing happened.
I remember the day the research study personnel called, informing us that I would be dropped as a subject, as I wasn’t pregnant yet.
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“Why Not Us, Lord?”
So, my husband and I doubled down on our efforts to conceive. Again, nothing happened. We began to seek medical help from different avenues. After detailed medical checks, my gynaecologist assured us not to be anxious as my reproductive system was healthy.
When western medicine couldn’t give a satisfactory answer, I turned to traditional Chinese medicine (TCM). From visiting different practitioners and brewing herbal medicine, to moxibustion and acupuncture, I did all I could to make sure my body was in “optimal condition” to bear a child.
I didn’t understand. If we were both healthy, why couldn’t we conceive?
A year after visiting a TCM practitioner on a regular basis, however, she concluded: “There’s only so much we can do. Your body is well.”
I didn’t understand. If we were both healthy, why couldn’t we conceive?
“Why not us, Lord?” I often prayed. “Isn’t our marriage supposed to fulfil Your command to be fruitful and multiply?” (Genesis 1:28)
I even wondered: “Is the Lord keeping us from having children because of some sin in our lives? Is motherhood not God’s will for me?”
I struggled to accept my infertility. As a former teacher, and a church staff who reached out to the neighbourhood children, I loved nurturing kids and very much wanted my own.
It was especially difficult to see younger couples who married later than us bearing children. While I was glad to journey alongside sisters in Christ in their pregnancies and motherhood, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sadness. It felt like God had forgotten me.
At the same time, I’m thankful for older women in church who shared their own struggles with infertility with me, encouraged me to continue trusting in God’s goodness, and held my hands as they prayed for me.
Instead of commenting on our childless married life, siblings in Christ encouraged us to involve ourselves in the lives of other children.
Through their personal testimonies and sensitive care, I was prompted to look towards our sovereign God, rather than to dwell on my emotions. Instead of commenting on our childless married life, siblings in Christ encouraged us to involve ourselves in the lives of other children. My husband and I spent our time serving in our church’s neighbourhood outreach programme, which also gave us the opportunity to discuss our hopes for parenting in the future if the Lord willed.
Holding on to God’s Faithfulness
It had been almost two years since we first started trying for a child. Those around me reminded me to take care of my body, and to see doctors or TCM practitioners. Yet, time and time again, we were left disappointed.
One day, I read a devotional passage on Luke 1:1–17, which spoke of Elizabeth’s miraculous birth of John the Baptist. This verse stood out for me:
“[Zechariah and Elizabeth] were both righteous in the sight of God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and requirements of the Lord. And yet they had no child, because Elizabeth was infertile, and they were both advanced in years” (v. 6, NASB, emphasis mine).
The verse comforted and assured me that not having children didn’t necessarily mean that we were not “worthy” Christians or “immature” in our faith. Rather, it taught me that God’s will and plans were far higher than mine. In Elizabeth’s case, God enabled her to be pregnant, in order to fulfil His plans of salvation for mankind.
My takeaway from this was that if God willed for us to be parents, He was able to powerfully work in us and through us. Whatever happened next, I would trust in His higher knowledge, will, and love.
Not having children didn’t necessarily mean that we were not “worthy” Christians or “immature” in our faith. Rather, it taught me that God’s will and plans were far higher than mine.
That day, I wrote in my journal: “May Your words continue to assure and remind me of Your promises. Help me not to stray but be steadfast, holding onto these promises.”
I also asked God to help me not to take things into my own hands as Sarah did, when she urged Abraham to conceive a child through her servant Hagar after remaining barren for many years (Genesis 16). Instead, I prayed that He would help me to trust in Him, and to be patient, should He will for us to have children in our later years.
Moving On with Life
By then, I knew that I had what was medically termed as “unexplained infertility”. As I neared my mid-30s, I again sought advice from my gynaecologist, who presented me with a range of medical options.
She encouraged us to try intrauterine insemination, or artificial insemination, where the sperm is directly placed into the womb. If that failed, we could then consider in-vitro fertilisation (IVF), where eggs are surgically removed and fertilised outside the body.
As I laid on the metallic bed during a medical check one day, I grappled with the question: How do I really feel about all these medical treatments to conceive a child?
“Every child is a miracle from God. Even IVF doesn’t give a 100 percent success rate.”
I can only speak for myself, but it felt as if I was “taking things into my own hands”. I personally wanted to remember my baby as having been brought forth through our intimate love-making.
After sharing my struggles with my gynaecologist, she affirmed my decision not to proceed. I vaguely recall her words: “Every child is a miracle from God. Even IVF doesn’t give a 100 percent success rate.”
At that point, I decided that I wouldn’t go through any further fertility treatments. It was time for me to get on with life.
Testing Positive During the Pandemic
Shortly after, my father-in-law had terminal cancer, and we moved back in to stay with him in the final three months of his life. During this time, I learnt to cook soft, puréed foods, and to serve him through acts of caregiving, such as helping him with his feeding and toileting. I spent his last days tending to his needs, alongside my husband and sisters-in-law.
This season coincided with the government’s introduction of circuit breaker measures in 2020. As we adjusted to my father-in-law’s passing and life with Covid-19, I started feeling extremely nauseous.
To our shock, I was positive—not with the coronavirus—but with a baby.
Today, I am a mother of not just one, but two children. We named our firstborn daughter Abigail, which means “my father’s joy”, as we wished for her to be our heavenly Father’s joy. Our younger son was named Joash, for “God has given”.
However, my pregnancies were not without challenges. Both times, I gave birth via Caesarean section as both babies remained in breech position nearing their estimated delivery dates. Moreover, Joash was conceived a mere seven months after the birth of Abigail. I experienced bleeding whilst carrying him, and doctors warned that he might not survive the first trimester because my womb might not have fully recovered to hold another pregnancy so quickly.
On the day I delivered Joash, the gynaecologist further warned us about the possible risk of massive bleeding, if the womb ruptured during the surgery. And, a hysterectomy to remove the womb might have been required to treat the massive bleeding.
By God’s grace and protection, He brought forth two beautiful and healthy children, and kept my womb and life safe in His hands.
New Life In Him
Looking back at all those years of waiting, I realise that my journey of infertility was a journey of growing in my trust and faith in the Lord. During that time, He revealed to me that He is an all-powerful God, in whom miracles are possible.
In hindsight, I could not have been ready for motherhood until I learnt to truly humble myself before Him and to surrender to Him.
More than giving new life through my body, He has given me new life in Christ. In my times of doubt, He gave me comfort and assurance of His presence. And, at the end of all my waiting, He remembered and answered my prayers, according to His sovereign will and timing.
In hindsight, I could not have been ready for motherhood until I learnt to truly humble myself before Him and to surrender to Him. As a mother, I now understand that life with children can be so unpredictable. Only by trusting in God can I be at peace with surprises (or shocks) that my young children “present” me with. Whenever they fall sick, or I feel overwhelmed by the many responsibilities of life, my surrendering to God brings calm in the midst of chaos.
I also saw how caring for my father-in-law was necessary training for me to grow into motherhood. Through caregiving, I learnt to enjoy simple days of routine at home. And, in God’s sovereign timing, we could focus on journeying with my father-in-law in his last days, without the added pressures and responsibilities of parenting.
Testifying of God’s Goodness
While spring cleaning my home recently, I chanced upon my old journals. Flipping through them at random, my eyes landed on an entry I wrote back in 2018, when I was in the midst of infertility.
Before this, I had asked the Lord for a “confirmation” by His Word that He would give me a child, and which He had—twice. In this entry, I wrote of His third confirmation to me.
“God is so gracious to grant me something to affirm and assure me, to keep me steadfast in my faith,” I wrote. “Today, I can hardly believe what I read, as the Lord reminded me of His miracles. For this I record so that I may one day testify of His steadfast love and grace.” Next to this, I pasted a cut-out of a photocopied passage from a book:
“On several occasions, God had provided a child when the mother was barren or past the age of childbearing. Surely these were miraculous births . . . God is all-powerful, able to alter and supersede the path of nature to accomplish his purposes. That God was able to work the seemingly impossible in the matter of the virgin birth symbolises his ability to accomplish the seemingly impossible task of granting a new birth to sinners. As Jesus himself said in regard to salvation: ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible’ (Matthew 19:26).”
If you’re in a season of infertility, may I encourage you to continue waiting upon God, and to trust that He is faithful in every way? As we spend time with Him and read His Word, let us trust and believe that He is good and loving, regardless of whether He answers our prayers the way we want Him to.
Beyond labels of “married”, “single”, “parent”, or “childless”, let us remember and remind others that we are all God’s children.
Or, if you know couples in church who are struggling with infertility, I encourage you to continue being a loving family to them, supporting them and being fellow witnesses so that their marriages can grow and mature in Christlike love.
Beyond labels of “married”, “single”, “parent”, or “childless”, let us remember and remind others that we are all God’s children, who have experienced new life in and through His Son. And, come what may, God remains faithful and sovereign.
That is more than enough reason to testify of His goodness.
