During the children’s early school years, I often wondered why diligence and independence seemed to come more naturally to one child than the other, or why understanding of a particular subject seemed to come more quickly to one than the other.
And, I have to admit, I said this more often than I should have: “When I was your age, I would (or wouldn’t) have . . . ”
Raising children can be hard.
And yet, more often than not, parenting can be daunting not just because we don’t understand our children—but perhaps because we don’t understand ourselves.
It Starts with Our Hearts
“Parenting starts with self-introspection,” says Lydia Lim, a developmental psychologist and mother of two teenagers. “It means pausing when things get heated, bringing our honest thoughts and messy emotions to God, and asking Him to show us what’s really going on in our hearts first.”
Without that pause, Lydia cautions, we can often react out of our own “baggage”, such as unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or unrecognised fears.
Watch Karen’s conversation with Lydia, on how parenting can be shaped by our childhood, how we can better understand our children’s God-given personalities, and how we can relate to our children as Jesus would.
As a stay-at-home mother in the early years, these words resonated with me. The transition to school brought new challenges, and I noticed myself reacting quickly to small triggers—even when my children weren’t at fault.
Looking back, I see how much more effectively I could have handled those moments if I had paused and asked God to reveal what He was teaching me about my own heart and unspoken needs. Without realising it, much of my frustration stemmed from unresolved burdens I had yet to process.
When we’re open to what God reveals about our heart, we see our children—and our parenting—more clearly. We learn to stop reacting from our wounds and unmet needs.
Over time, as I brought these moments to God, I learnt to lean on Psalm 139:23–24, laying bare my thoughts and asking Him to “search me . . . test me and know my anxious thoughts”. This rhythm of self-reflection became a steady guide, enabling me to parent with greater clarity.
When we’re open to what God reveals about our heart, we see our children—and our parenting—more clearly. We learn to stop reacting from our wounds and unmet needs.
Only then can we parent from a healthy, grace-filled heart.
As Proverbs 4:23 reminds us: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Our “Default Settings”
Beyond our heart condition, our parenting can also be shaped by our personalities, which influences what we expect from our children, how we relate to them, and how we respond when things don’t go as planned.
As Lydia aptly puts it, how we are wired and raised are key factors in parenting. While not particular parenting styles or personality traits per se, these were some personality differences Lydia unpacked that stood out for me personally:
Strict vs. Flexible
Strict parents thrive on order and routines—clear rules that help keep family life on track. But when a child doesn’t follow the system, it can quickly turn into a battle of wills, with reminders, consequences, or rewards used to bring things back in line. Flexible parents, on the other hand, adapt easily when life gets messy. Their challenge often comes with fixed schedules and school demands, where keeping everyone organised can feel draining.
Anxious vs. Calm
Anxious parents can often be deeply attentive to their child’s well-being. But when worry takes over, it can lead to overprotection—“bubble-wrapping” their child from every possible risk. Calm parents, on the other hand, provide steadiness and space for their children to grow. Yet their composed nature may sometimes come across as distant when a child is seeking emotional reassurance.
Extroverted vs. Introverted
Extroverted parents thrive on conversation and connection, which can sometimes overwhelm an introverted child who needs space to process. Introverted parents, who recharge through quiet moments, may unintentionally shut down a talkative child who processes life by thinking out loud.
How Personalities Can Fit . . . or Clash
While Lydia emphasises that these personality differences are not diametrically opposed, it can be helpful to know our natural “default settings” and where they might “clash” with our children’s design. For example, a parent who has a strict personality might view a child’s lack of routine as a “perpetual battle of wills”.
In this case, Lydia advises, “awareness helps this parent realise the child just needs time to ‘decompress’ and isn’t being intentionally rebellious.”
As someone who prefers structure, I’ve noticed that organising tasks doesn’t land the same way with each child. What works well for one can feel overwhelming for the other.
These days, I’m learning to hold on less tightly. Rather than fixating on checklists, I try to respond with patience, grace, and understanding, attuned to each child’s unique temperament and needs.
Our Children’s Design
Recognising our heart condition and “default settings” are one part of the equation. The other crucial piece is our children’s unique personalities.
While some of us might unconsciously think our children are “blank slates” to mould, Lydia reminds us that they are “God-designed, not parent-manufactured”.
When we honour the way our children are wired, we can help them grow into who God designed them to be.
“Every personality trait—no matter how challenging—comes with its own strengths and vulnerabilities,” she says. “That’s why it helps to parent with your child’s personality in mind.”
Because children are wired differently, a one-size-fits-all approach rarely works. Instead, parents can take a moment to notice the spectrum of temperaments in the children God has placed under their care, such as:
- Sensitive vs. fiery. On one hand, a sensitive child who seems shy or cautious “isn’t a problem”, Lydia notes. “They often have strong self-awareness that motivates them to do their best.” On the other, a fiery child isn’t “bad”, as some might assume. When guided well, their passion can become a powerful strength.
- Hesitant vs. adventurous. Hesitant children tend to weigh risks carefully and often need patience and reassurance from their parents, while adventurous children are quick to leap in—and may need a watchful “spotter” to help them notice the risks they might overlook.
- Logical vs. emotional. Logical children may seem calm, but can bottle up their feelings. They may need help putting words to their emotions, as logical thinkers often have a greater tendency not to engage their emotions as readily. Meanwhile, emotional children feel deeply and easily pick up on others’ moods. So, they need a safe space to express themselves and reassurance that they are valued.
Different Personalities in the Bible
As I considered Lydia’s words, I saw how different personalities were also reflected in the Bible. God never asked His leaders to fit into a single mould—and He doesn’t expect our children to either.
David was a sensitive poet who wrote psalms, and a warrior who led armies.
Peter was impulsive and outspoken, often speaking before thinking, and yet bold enough to lead the early church.
Timothy was gentle and thoughtful, and who faithfully mentored and guided many.
When we honour the way our children are wired, we can help them grow into who God designed them to be.
Connecting with Our Children
To help our children thrive according to God’s design, we need to keep our eyes on our children’s heart—not just their outward results, says Lydia.
“In Singapore’s high-pressure culture, it can be easy to focus on grades, achievements, and ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’,” Lydia observes.
“But Jesus shows a different way: He focused on people, not performance, guiding their growth through connection, patience, and grace—like when He spent time with Zacchaeus the tax collector, or listened to the Samaritan woman at the well.”
Lydia suggests the best way for parents to prioritise connection is to enter their child’s world. “This isn’t just about monitoring—it’s about joining in on what they enjoy. Ask questions and really listen—whether it’s social media trends, music, or their latest binge-worthy drama.”
“When we listen before we correct, we become their anchor—someone they can trust—no matter what.”
“Jesus shows a different way: He focused on people, not performance, guiding their growth through connection, patience, and grace.”
This focus on the heart over performance is something I now try to prioritise. Previously, when academic results fell short of expectations, my instinct was to push harder or “fix” the situation. My concern, though well-meaning, often became more of a burden than a benefit.
Things began to shift when I started paying attention to my children’s passions and interests. While there’s still room for growth academically, I try to remind myself to notice and appreciate the effort they put in. Engaging with them on what truly excites them—whether competitive sports or fashion—has proven far more meaningful than focusing on academic outcomes.
Inspired by God’s example, who looks at the heart rather than outward appearances (1 Samuel 16:7), I’m learning to prioritise and nurture my children’s hearts in ways that matter most.
Never Too Late
At this point, some may wonder: What if my relationship with my children is strained?
It’s never too late to start, says Lydia.
“Recognising that we parents are God’s work in progress is essential. Parenting is one of the ways God shapes us—it’s part of His refining work in our hearts as we lead our children.”
As Philippians 1:6 encourages, we can be confident that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Let’s ask God to guide our hearts in this parenting journey. May we parent from the inside out—knowing ourselves, understanding our children, and staying connected both to our heavenly Father and to the children He has entrusted to us.
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