As our children grow into their teenage years, they will start to spend less time with us and more time with their friends. As they look to fit in and be accepted by their peers, it’s inevitable that they will face increasing pressure to conform or turn a blind eye to certain negative social norms.
In all likelihood, most of them will be smart enough not to engage in behaviours that are obviously harmful—like smoking, fighting, and stealing. But what about the kind of wrongdoing that appears harmless? What if the wrongdoing is condoned by everyone such that it does not even seem to be wrong?
“48 cm?” Felicia mumbled to herself as she caught sight of her name on the list. That didn’t seem right, she thought, her score was definitely lower than that. She handed the clipboard back to her classmate who was in charge of recording everyone’s score.
“Ben, you got my score wrong. I’m pretty sure I only reached 42 cm,” she said. Ben grinned at her and whispered, “I know, but I added 6 cm to everyone’s score.”
Rey, their classmate, overheard their conversation. “Really?” she exclaimed and grabbed the clipboard for a closer look. Other classmates started to gather around them. Their initial surprise slowly gave way to glee. “Yes! This means I’ll pass my test!” someone remarked. A chorus of approval followed.
Felicia was stunned. This was obviously cheating, why was everyone okay with it?
She told a fellow Christian classmate about what had happened. The response she received stunned her further. “Sometimes, ignorance is bliss,” her friend said sympathetically.
How can we guide our children to navigate such situations in school? And how can we encourage them to stand by their beliefs and speak up for what is right? Here’s four ways to do this.
A Sheepy Adventure
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1. Show Them That No One Is Spared from Peer Pressure, Not Even Adults
Teenagers are especially susceptible to peer pressure because they are in the process of taking over the reins of managing their relationships from their parents. But that doesn’t mean that the rest of us are not susceptible.
In Exodus 32, Aaron, as a God-appointed assistant to Moses, waited with the people for Moses to return with God’s commandments. As the days passed, the people got fidgety. What’s taking Moses so long?
With their patience wearing thin, they came together before Aaron. “Make us gods who will go before us,” they demanded (v.1). Instead of dissuading the people from their folly, Aaron succumbed to the pressure and gave them what they wanted.
Like Aaron, adults are not spared from peer pressure. We too are affected by others’ opinions of us and may struggle to do what is right.
Peer pressure is hard to stand up to when we’re unevenly matched. Numbers usually win. Giving in is usually the safest (or easiest) path. In Aaron’s case, he faced the people alone and chose the path of least resistance.
Like Aaron, adults are not spared from peer pressure. We too are affected by others’ opinions of us and may struggle to do what is right.
When our teens learn that peer pressure happens even to adults, they may start to see that they are not alone in this struggle to do what is right.
2. Model What It Means to Fear God, Not Man.
As teenagers seek to distinguish their individuality and gain acceptance from peers, they can become highly sensitive to how others view them. In that transition is much insecurity—they fear how others will view their true self and so change their behaviour according to what they think is acceptable to others.
Therefore, we need to help our teens treasure God’s acceptance over man’s acceptance, so that they will choose to do what is right over compromising their values to gain friends.
If we honestly and humbly admit how desperately we need God’s grace to deliver us from our sin, our teens can see how God can work in their lives too.
To help our teens counter this fear of man, we need to bring them to God, who can change their hearts to fear Him. We do this by living God-fearing lives ourselves.
Psalm 34:9 says, “Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.”
When God is the one we live for, the one we seek to please, we will be fulfilled. If we honestly and humbly admit how desperately we need God’s grace to deliver us from our sin, our teens can see how God can work in their lives too.
3. Get to Know Their Friends, Not Just the Ones You Like.
Parents should never say hurtful things about their friends, which will only lead them to become more defensive. In fact, when we put their friends down, they may see it as a rejection of them all the more.
Don’t just react to their behaviour. Instead, be patient and take time to hear them out, know what is on their hearts, and help them to identify their feelings. Although you may think that they are enslaved to the opinions of others, remember that this is because their friends are an important part of their lives.
When we spend time listening to our teens and getting to know their friends, they will see us as an ally who are here to help them navigate relationships.
4. Teach Them to Share Their Beliefs with Gentleness and Respect.
As our teens learn to see that giving in to peer pressure is not the only option, we can also guide them on how they can explain their choices and values to their friends. Teaching our children how to say no graciously and thus maintain friendships will help them go a long way.
While we certainly do not want our teens influenced negatively, we desire that they can be a positive influence to their friends. What better way than to share the hope they have in the gospel of Jesus Christ!
Peter 3:15 says, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”
Teaching our children how to say no graciously and thus maintain friendships will help them go a long way.
Even as we guide them on how to articulate their beliefs with gentleness and respect, we would do well to remind both our teens and ourselves to first set apart Christ as Lord in their hearts.
Rising Above the Pressure
Resolved to do the right thing in God’s eyes, Felicia decided to stand up for her beliefs. She sent a text message to her classmate. “Hi Ben, it was nice of you to help us do well for the test. But I wish you didn’t change my score, I don’t want to lie about my results.”
The next day, she approached her PE teacher. “Madam, could you change my score for Sit-and-Reach? It was recorded wrongly, I only reached 42 cm.” Her teacher took a quick glance at the score sheet. “Thank you for your honesty,” she said, and amended the score.
There is no short cut in this journey with our teens. We need to take time to walk with them daily and guide them in all the areas where they feel pressured or influenced to behave a certain way. Most importantly, it is a spiritual matter, which will require us to bring our children before the Lord in constant prayer.
This article was first published in Age of Opportunity, a publication of Singapore Youth For Christ, and is adapted with permission.
