“I’ve always wanted my kids to have a good relationship with my mum, but she hates our faith. I want to honour her—but how do I figure out the boundaries?”
It’s a question one parent has, as she laments her own mother’s hostility to her family’s Christian faith. She shares how her mother would pass nasty comments about their going to church, and raising of their own children in the way of the Lord.
In such a situation, what should a parent do?
I’m A Grandparent, What Now?
Discover fresh biblical insights and practical tips on how you can help your grandchildren grow in character and faith, navigate the relationship between parents and grandparents, and play a part in shaping the lives of the next generation.
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After all, as parents, we desire for us and our children to enjoy a close bond with our own parents. It’s an unfortunate reality for some, however, to have to deal with difficult parents, or to have parents who aren’t exactly a good influence on young hearts and minds.
It’s a tricky question that Dr. Rob and Amy Rienow, who run the US-based Visionary Family Ministries, approach with care. In a podcast addressing the question, “How can I deal with a difficult grandparent?”, they share several suggestions and thoughts:
1. If it is possible, address the matter directly
While direct confrontation may not be preferred in some Asian cultures, the Rienows suggest raising specific issues with grandparents—if your relationship with them can handle it. “Our mistake is not being direct,” notes Amy, “or we wait too long to be direct about a concern.”
Some parents may try to work things out on their own to avoid confronting their parents. However, raising a matter openly and directly might help to make progress and create a healthy structure in the grandparent-parent-child dynamics. If possible, you could say something like, “Mum, I feel you’ve been a little harsh about this. This matter is hurting us, and if this continues, we will not be able to spend as much time with you.”
Raising a matter openly and directly might help to make progress and create a healthy structure in the grandparent-parent-child dynamics.
This approach is in line with the Bible’s approach on handling conflicts. Followers of Christ are called to be “kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful” in 2 Timothy 2:24. The subsequent verse also notes this: “Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.”
2. Honouring your parent does not mean ignoring boundaries
Those dealing with difficult grandparents often find themselves in a dilemma because of the Exodus 20:12 commandment to “honour your father and your mother”. Add to that the traditional Asian belief that parents should be respected and obeyed without question, and the dilemma can become more serious.
But, Rob stresses, honouring a parent, as the Bible calls us to do, does not mean that boundaries should be ignored. Knowing and setting boundaries—which could be emotional or physical in nature—can help us define what we are comfortable with, and how we would like our parents to relate to our children.
This is especially so if we find that our parents are relating to our children in a way that may not be helpful for their well-being—something that may require seeking God’s wisdom and discernment, and counsel from others.
In such situations, says Rob, “You are not dishonouring your parents by limiting your kids’ time with them. If addressing the matter directly does not help to resolve the issue, or if the hostility level is so high, you may just need to make the choice to limit access.”
Knowing and setting boundaries—which could be emotional or physical in nature—can help us define what we are comfortable with, and how we would like our parents to relate to our children.
Amy, too, emphasises that honouring parents is ultimately about how you see them in your heart, and not about “warm, fuzzy feelings”.
“You can honour a grandparent without any warm, fuzzy feelings,” she notes. “It’s an important distinction—you can honour them while maintaining boundaries, even if there are emotive issues that remain unresolved between you and your parents. It’s how you talk about them in front of your kids, your own heart attitude. You can maintain one level of relationship with them, while limiting your children’s time with them.”
Ultimately, say the Rienows, parents struggling with their parents need to avoid becoming a “doormat”, and remember that there are biblical principles in making peace and drawing boundaries.
3. Remember, your kids are watching
One thing worth remembering when dealing with difficult grandparents is that the young ones are watching us, to see how we relate to our parents, how we regard them, and how we talk about them. After all, we seek to foster a loving, Christ-honouring environment for our kids.
“We are here because our parents chose to give us life. Ask God to give you a heart of compassion for them.”
So, say the Rienows, if possible, help your children develop a heart of compassion for their grandparents—even if they may be difficult. You can try to seek to understand the reason for their words and actions. If possible, look out for and hold on to any “positive parts” of the relationship between them and their grandchildren—for example, if grandma likes to make some decorations for the kids at Christmas, remind the kids to thank grandma for her efforts. Treasure these thoughts and small gestures, even while keeping some of the boundaries up.
“We are here because our parents chose to give us life,” Amy points out. “Ask God to give you a heart of compassion for them.”
4. Build trust with grandparents
Bishop Kuan Kim Seng, a grandparent and retired bishop in the Singapore Anglican diocese, also believes that adult children and grandparents need to try to build what he calls “a foundation of trust”.
“Even if you’re starting from scratch, take small steps to build a positive relationship,” he advises grandparents and adult children. He suggests treating grandparents to their favourite food or remembering their birthdays, which could help improve the relationship between parents and grandparents.
“It is wise to invest effort into building happy relationships that blossom in mutual respect,” he writes in the booklet, I’m A Grandparent, What Now?. “In this regard, the Lord Jesus’ teaching that ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’ (Acts 20:35) holds much wisdom and spiritual truth. We give by way of kind words, generosity, and appreciation.”
Extracted and adapted from a podcast, “Dealing with Difficult Grandparents”, by Visionary Family Ministries. Used with permission.
