One day, my 13-year-old son asked me to pick him up from school early as basketball practice had been cancelled. When I asked him why, he replied: “Oh, Mum, it’s Valentine’s Day! Some of the boys asked Coach to cancel practice so that they could spend time with their girlfriends.”
I realised this was an opportunity to start a conversation on this topic. But to avoid turning it into a lecture, I asked him about his friends and their girlfriends, before finally asking: “When do you think is a good time to have a girlfriend?”
Much to my relief, he replied: “Maybe 16.” That day’s conversation gave me an opening to start talking about infatuation, dating, love, and marriage as well.
As a child enters puberty, he may sense a difference between boys and girls, experience attraction to the opposite gender, and start thinking about dating. As there are many definitions of dating, it’s helpful to establish a common definition that you and your children understand. For example, you could agree with your children that dating is having an exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend with the end-goal of determining whether to marry the person or not.
So, what biblical wisdom can we share with our children about all of this? Here are three plumblines for us to consider:
Plumbline #1: The Three Ms of Marriage
So God created mankind in his own image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.’ . . .
The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’
—Genesis 1:27–28, 2:18
While the Bible doesn’t talk about dating, Genesis 1:26–30 and 2:15–25 tell us about God’s plan for marriage. We can explain this biblical view to our children by using three Ms: Master, Mission, and Mate:
- Master: Having made man in His image (1:27), God intended man to have a personal relationship with Him. Adam knew God as his Master who provided him with everything he needed (v. 29), and he did what God told him to (2:19–20). God, our Master, gives us a . . .
- Mission: Adam was to take care of God’s creation, be fruitful, and increase in number (1:28). To do this, he needed a helpmate and a companion, so God brought Eve into his life (2:18). Just as God created Adam for a purpose, and created Eve to help Adam fulfil that purpose, He creates each of us for a purpose. As we discover and fulfil what our God-given purpose or mission is, He may bring into our lives a . . .
- Mate: Eve was a helper to Adam (2:20). Our life partner is someone who journeys with us and helps us to fulfil our God-given mission, and should thus share our faith, passion, values, and goals.
Exclusive dating is about looking for a Mate to help in their Mission for the Master.
Hopefully, this biblical perspective of “Master, Mission, and Mate” will help our children understand that exclusive dating is about looking for a Mate to help in their Mission for the Master. Until then, it would be good for them to get to know people as friends and to stick to group dates, as opposed to one-to-one dates.
Plumbline #2: God’s View of Marriage and the Role of Husbands and Wives
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
—Genesis 2:24
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body . . .
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
—Ephesians 5:22, 25
The Bible speaks of marriage as a union between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). Within this lifelong commitment, men are to love their wives, while wives are to submit to and respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22–33).
If we are to develop in our children a biblical mindset about marriage and dating, then we need to discuss with them God’s plan for marriage as He intended it to be, and the roles of the husband and wife in marriage.
Some may think our children are too young to understand such weighty issues. However, some in this post-modern society no longer accept that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and that it comprises the union of a man and woman.
If we are to develop in our children a biblical mindset about marriage and dating, then we need to discuss with them God’s plan for marriage as He intended it to be, and the roles of the husband and wife in marriage.
Having understood these issues, questions about dating that may arise later can be more easily answered. For example, a question like: “Am I ready to start exclusive dating?” can be better framed as: “Am I mature enough for a lifelong commitment to someone?”
Similarly, a question like: “This person’s so cute. Should I date him/her exclusively?” can become: “Does this person have the inner qualities necessary for a lifelong commitment?” A girl can ask herself: “How’s his decision-making? Will I be able to submit to his decisions and respect him?” And a boy can ask himself: “Can I love her?”
A question like: “Am I ready to start exclusive dating?” can be better framed as: “Am I mature enough for a lifelong commitment to someone?”
But what if your child asks: “What is love, anyway?” This is when you can bring up this next spiritual plumbline:
Plumbline #3: God is Love
Our children may need help to understand the difference between infatuation and love. Infatuation, or having a crush or “puppy” love, is usually based on a person’s looks, abilities, or charisma. You may be intensely attracted to a person, but the feeling may not be permanent. When talking to your children about infatuation, use examples of people who have gotten together and broken up because someone else came along or they lost interest.
Love, on the other hand, is based not just on physical attraction, but also character and inner qualities. It withstands the test of time and life’s challenges. When talking to your children about love, use examples from your own marriage, their grandparents’, or those of older relatives, and talk about the deep commitment despite trials and crises.
Our children may need help to understand the difference between infatuation and love.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8 gives a good definition of what true love looks like:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Love is a decision, not an emotional whim. It is a commitment that often involves sacrifice. We see this most clearly in God’s love for us when He gave up His only Son, Jesus, to die for our sins on the cross.
Start the Conversation
When should you start the conversation on infatuation, dating, love, and marriage? It depends on your child’s emotional development and his awareness of—and attraction to—the opposite gender. A good time is before he enters the teenage years. Here are some conversation starters:
- Read Genesis 1:26–30 and 2:15–25 together. Ask: What do you think will be your mission in life, given by your Maker? What kind of person would make a suitable mate? What qualities should the person have?
- Are you ready to commit to an exclusive relationship that is a lifelong commitment now? Or, would you want to meet more friends of the opposite gender first? What’s a good way to get to know someone better? What would you look for in a person you want to date?
- What are some differences between infatuation and love?
- In what way is God the best example of love?
