This is the second part of a two-part series on the 7 paradoxes of marriage. Read Part 1 here.
Remember the play I talked about in the last article?
Well, nailed it I did. I put up such a convincing performance (or so I’d like to think) of my character whose marriage “lacked a certain spark”, that someone told my wife that she was facing exactly the same situation in her marriage: “It became stale after the first two years, and things just became like that.”
Other than whether I should pursue an acting career, her words made me reflect on my past decade as a marital counsellor working with couples wanting to save or end their marriages.
Here are the final three paradoxes, or contradictions, I’ve observed in these marriages:
5. Compromise without Consensus
When parties compromise in a dispute, concessions must be made. I’ve met couples who have told me that, as part of their compromise, they demanded something they did not need from their spouse—so that their compromise would be “fair”—since they had to forfeit something they had sought.
Well-meaning folks may extol the virtues of compromise, but I believe that compromise has its drawbacks. A rush to settle for compromises may rob couples of opportunities to build consensus—and the subsequent satisfaction they can derive from it.
The ability to listen to understand, rather than to reply, is key to satisfying marriages.
When husband and wife come to a consensus, it means they influence and are influenced by each other when they disagree. Consensus can be reached when couples sit down and intently listen to each other, prioritising togetherness and desiring to see the argument from the other perspective.
This requires a huge dose of humility and a whole lot of patience on both sides. The ability to listen to understand, rather than to reply, is key to satisfying marriages.
Another drawback of defaulting to compromise: couples may end up listening intently only to find a “middle-ground”, intending to negotiate terms that ensure no ground is conceded that would place them on the “losing end”.
When we hear our spouse out, seeking consensus and accepting his or her influence, we can much more effectively convey the honour and respect we promised them on our wedding day.
6. Problem-Solving without Person-Honouring
Couples fight. Studies inform us that close to seven in ten conflicts between married couples are irresolvable. But they don’t say that these conflicts are irreconcilable.
Working through conflict in marriage can be excruciating—or strangely gratifying. The key is how we do it.
Our husband or wife isn’t someone to fix, but someone to be fond of.
Have you ever found yourself stuck in problem-solving mode during a disagreement? It may help to remember that every complaint tends to reflect an unmet need. It’s normal to fear discussing such unmet needs, choosing to deal only with complaints on the surface.
Don’t get me wrong, we should solve problems—whether it’s chores that need completing or schedules that need deconflicting. We should, however, always return our focus to our spouse’s person, and his or her needs, feelings, and self-esteem—not just the problems.
Only a continual effort to separate problem from person will enable us to love, cherish, and protect our spouse, and by extension, our marriage. Our husband or wife isn’t someone to fix, but someone to be fond of.
Ephesians 4:31–32 is instructive: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
7. Shared Happiness without Shared Holiness
After exhorting His disciples not to worry about physical needs or objects, Jesus promises in Matthew 6:33: “Seek first [God’s] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Often, couples can place the cart before the horse, allowing a shared happiness—rather than shared holiness—to become the central focus of their marriage. They may believe that when they have “all these things” added to them, they’d then be able to spend more time with God and grow in holiness.
Yet, the essence of the Christian faith is the centrality of Christ in our lives, and that includes taking to heart Jesus’ words about seeking first the kingdom of God, in our marriages too.
It means that Christian marriage is about two people coming together to seek the things of God, live in obedience to Him, and share the good news of His kingdom with others.
To begin with, God has designed marriage to help us die to self, along with our arrogance, contempt for others, selfishness, lust, and irritability. Because husband and wife are sinners, there will be days of struggle and even strife, days when both feel unhappy, disappointed, even dissatisfied.
But marriage is also a way through which God gives us grace. Couples who are growing in holiness first unite in a shared life of honour and humility, surrender and service, obedience and overflow—and that’s when God, in His love, will give them a shared happiness (see Matthew 6:33).
Marriages can and should make us happy, but happiness isn’t the purpose of marriage—it’s the product of it.
When a man and a woman surrender their hopes, dreams, joys, and pains to God, trusting in Him to use them all for His glory, they will draw closer to Him and, in the process, closer to each other.
Marriages can and should make us happy, but happiness isn’t the purpose of marriage—it’s the product of it. Sadly, many marriages today miss this point, caught up instead with the pursuit of happiness alone.
Will you heed Christ’s call to seek God’s kingdom first, and see your marriage in a different light? Will you rely on God’s holiness for our happiness, His grace for our race, and His providence for our confidence?
When we succeed in doing that, our Christian marriage can then become missional, an example for a watching world. As Jesus says: “A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34–35).
Marriage is a platform on which we can live out our Christian walk. Our spouse is God’s minister to help us draw closer to Him. Our marriages should bring out the best in our faith.
When We Reach the Finishing Line
When fellow guests at wedding dinners find out about what I do, the conversation sometimes gets steered towards the causes of divorce, and how couples can avoid it.
I usually end these conversation by sharing: “Staying married for a long time is the easy part. But if you want a satisfying marriage, it means that at every milestone or anniversary, you can still look into your spouse’s eyes the same way you did on your wedding day.
“Does it have to be a particularly affectionate look? Well, that’s secondary! But you ought to look at your spouse with the same conviction to make your marriage work as you did on day one.”
Have we subconsciously allowed any of these seven paradoxes to take root in our marriages? If we have, let’s reclaim the more important things for our marriages, so that the main points in our marriages remain the main points:
1. Accountability, over appearances
2. Better lives, over better lifestyles
3. Small moments, not just big expressions
4. Revelation, not just romance
5. Consensus, over compromise
6. Person-honouring, not just problem-solving
7. Shared holiness, over shared happiness
