Have you ever pictured the apostle Paul as a strong-willed child during his early years? And have you ever wondered how his parents corrected, guided, and helped shape his strong convictions?

God confronted and later used Paul’s high-spirited nature to spread the gospel across the known world. In the book of Acts, we get a glimpse into Paul’s drive and courage as we read about his various missionary journeys and imprisonments.

Paul learned to relentlessly follow Christ for an intimate relationship with God, while listening carefully to the Holy Spirit. He learned how to base his strength on love.

Parenting a strong-willed child can be exhausting and challenging—yet also rewarding.

I imagine Paul’s parents had many exhausting days raising him. Parenting a strong-willed child can be exhausting and challenging—yet also rewarding. These “high-spirited” children typically have a stubborn, independent mentality. However, they can also be overflowing with confidence, determination, drive, and focus.

 

Give Us This Day 14

Get our latest family devotional!

Our latest devotional, Give Us This Day 14 is now available.
Get a copy

 

In my private practice as a counsellor, I worked with a couple parenting a strong-willed child. This teenager’s mum and dad were afraid of him when he got angry, because he was big, strong, and had an explosive temper. He was used to calling the shots because of his charm, size, and intimidating outbursts.

His parents had not learned how to mould him into an influential leader, and wanted peace at home. They were peacemakers who were warm, sensitive, and loving—but not directive or consistent. As their son took more authority and power, he became angrier and more frustrated. What he longed for was consistent, clear boundaries and guidance.

Discipline and Training

Strong-willed children can be inflexible, stubborn, and tend to get emotionally stuck in frustration and anger if they don’t get their way. They can be opinionated and hyper-focused on doing things their way (“the right way”). They can seem relentless in their pursuit of power and control.

But for all this, when they learn humility, kindness, and self-control, these children can develop into outstanding leaders, by God’s grace.

The Bible tells us: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11). Likewise, as parents we need to discipline and train our strong-willed children so that they can grow into the fullness of what God has for them.

We need to discipline and train our strong-willed children so that they can grow into the fullness of what God has for them.

Training requires intentionality through goals. Creating structure takes time, repetition, and hard work. What are you training your strong-willed child to pursue and do?

I picture strong-willed children as wild stallions clamouring to run and go no matter what. You get to train and lead your child towards what God has in store for them within the kingdom of God! As the Bible says: “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire” (Proverbs 29:17).

Here are six practical ways we can respond when parenting a strong-willed child:

1. Be Calm

Calmness helps you tap into your intuition and parenting intelligences. It lets you respond to your child’s beliefs rather than his behaviours.

For example, your child may have an outburst, but instead of immediately correcting his behaviour, you can try to understand what he sees and wants. Help him learn how to better interpret what he’s experiencing, or pursue what he wants more effectively.

Make your calmness contagious—not your child’s emotions.

Your calmness helps calm a chaotic strong-willed child’s brain. Make your calmness contagious—not your child’s emotions.

2. Be Clear

Clarity helps you reinforce boundaries rather than spend your time and energy nagging and arguing. Tell your child the rules and their consequences—both good and bad—and reinforce what you have discussed.

Get your child to play an active part in developing the rules and consequences. You can use the important phrase: “What do you hear me saying?”

Take time to make sure things have been communicated clearly.

3. Be Consistent

Consistency helps strong-willed children learn that being in charge is not up for grabs.

While it’s not always easy, we must be united with our spouse in our approach. Otherwise, our child can quickly realise that authority and power are wavering and divided. Strong-willed children respond to competence and confidence.

4. Follow Through

Children want to know that you mean what you say. They respect and trust resolute authority. When you follow through, it is as if you’re putting money in the “Bank of Trust” between you and your child.

Children want to know that you mean what you say. They respect and trust resolute authority.

5. Delegate Some Control

Give your child opportunities to earn an appropriate measure of decision-making privilege in your house—she can’t simply demand it.

For example, you can assign her control over choosing which route to take when you go cycling, but not whether you’re going cycling. She could also come up with practical solutions to clean and maintain the house.

6. Teach and Reinforce Empathy and Humility

Most importantly, teach and reinforce empathy and humility early and often. Help them learn to listen and care about others. Talk about what it looks like to be honest, faithful, loyal, sincere, ethical, and genuinely loving and encouraging of others.

Help them see the value of other people—their thoughts, opinions, and well-being—as they learn to influence rather than dominate.

When strong-willed children learn how to be empathic and humble (two foundational relational traits), they can become extraordinary leaders. Help them see the value of other people—their thoughts, opinions, and well-being—as they learn to influence rather than dominate.

When Your Child Gets Emotionally ‘Stuck’

There are times when your strong-willed child might get emotionally “stuck” in frustration and anger, if they don’t get their way.

You can help them to break free. For example, you could say: “It looks like your brain is stuck. I’m getting a brain tow truck to get your brain unstuck so you can be free.”

Or, when your child is emotionally all over the place, you can say: “Your brain is running around the room, and we need to catch it and put it back in the driver’s seat. It seems your body is driving without a driver.”

Young, strong-willed children also do well with distractions. For example, if they are stuck or fixated on a thought, tell them a random fact like: “Did you know some cats are actually allergic to humans?” Or you can ask a random question: “How many teeth do sharks have?”

Moulding Strong-Willed Children to Be Life-Changing Leaders

Although parenting strong-willed children can be demanding, it can also be incredibly gratifying. However, it also involves our own growth as parents in adaptability, respect, intentionality, steadfast love, boundaries, graceful forgiveness, and gratitude.

What an incredible opportunity for personal growth, as we guide an influencer and contributor for God’s kingdom!

When taught with patience and firm, loving guidance, our strong-willed children can become life-changing leaders—just like Paul in the Bible.

  

Adapted from 6 Ways to Respond to a Strong-Willed Child by Danny Huerta © 2021 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com.

 

Dr. Daniel Huerta is Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, overseeing the ministry’s initiatives that equip mums and dads with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children rooted in a thriving faith. He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social worker, and the author of 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and love being parents to their three teen children, Alex, Lexi, and Maci.
Share This Article