This is the second part of a two-part series on the things Kelvin wished he did more of with his kids growing up. Read Part 1 here.
From plugging my kids into current affairs to opening their eyes to the “valleys” of life, there are more things I wish I could have introduced or done more.
Sixteen years of parenting and two teenagers later, here are another five of them:
6. Redeem the art of conversation.
The art of conversation has been lost today—that’s an unfortunate truth.
Just look at the rampant use of digital devices, the diminishing attention span of folks of all ages, and the growth of echo chambers and political polarisation. No one seems to be talking deeply anymore.
Don’t even get me started on the art of listening . . . I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve lost my temper repeating myself when talking to my seemingly-deaf children!
But that’s not even the worst part. These days, it seems like the act of sitting down for a good and meaningful conversation with my sons is like watching a species go extinct in slow motion.
When my sons were young, I was their world. They paid attention, watched my every move, and hung on my words and wisdom. Most of the time, anyway.
Now that they are teens, I’d be glad on most occasions even to get a couple of lines into their blocked ears.
Yet, how would I keep track of their lives if we never conversed?
As parents, let’s get creative in finding ways to engage our kids in frequent conversations. We can spark discussions by using a whole variety of things—for example, random observations, news, and everyday encounters.
Warning: be prepared to fail at this more than you succeed!
But keep at it—or risk isolation.
One golden opportunity for conversation is mealtimes. My wife has often been instrumental in steering our family to sit down at the dinner table to talk about our day.
This has certainly become more challenging as the kids get older. My eldest usually comes home late from school, and would much rather catch up on his anime shows than join us for meals. I too am often guilty of falling back into my old ways of watching shows over food, or wolfing it down so I can go do other things.
But I’ve come to realise that at least one or two dinners every week should find us all seated together, eating, enjoying one another’s company, and praying for one another when the opportunity arises.
No devices. Just real and (hopefully) hearty conversations all around.
7. Show them the power of encouragement . . .
We could all do with a healthy dose of encouragement each day.
God’s Word instructs us to encourage and build up fellow believers (1 Thessalonians 5:11), and instead of “unwholesome talk”, to speak “only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). How much more ought we to encourage our own children!
Yet, if you’re familiar with Asian culture, you’d know the odd stigma that seems to be attached to praising children. Perhaps we’ve been brought up to believe that too much praise and encouragement will either jinx our children’s good fortune, or inflate their ego.
As a result, many Asian parents choose to highlight their children’s mistakes and drawbacks to rein them in and ensure obedience. This may, however, backfire and result in us exasperating them (Ephesians 6:4).
It’s a pity, and despite recognising this potentially toxic habit, I often find myself powerless to reverse it. Still, I’d like to persevere.
Every day, I try to remind myself to look for opportunities, however small, to praise my sons and help build their self-esteem. I’m still a work in progress, but hopefully I will grow in my awareness.
8. . . . and teamwork, too.
When I look at my kids and students (I’ve been an educator for over 20 years), I think of how there’s still so much I could do to teach them cooperation and teamwork.
Creating opportunities for kids to play together from a young age is one thing. But in the course of that play, it’s vital that we find ways to help them learn the power of teamwork, and see how the result is often far more valuable than what they can accomplish on their own.
From household chores, like folding laundry, to reminding my sons to work as brothers as they build Lego models together, I see opportunities daily in and around the house to encourage teamwork.
Given the interconnectedness and interdependency of our world today, teamwork as an attribute and way of life will only become more, not less, important as a life skill to nurture.
More importantly, the New Testament is full of admonitions for us as God’s people to work together in unity and as a body of Christ (1 Corinthians 1:10; 1 Peter 3:8).
9. Help them nurture a network of peers.
Today, short attention spans go hand-in-hand with the increasingly short messages that we send each other. This may get worse as artificial intelligence and technology continue their relentless advance.
Add to this mix the growing power of peer influence as our kids enter their teens, and it’s not hard to see the importance of helping our children surround themselves with good friends from an early age—friends who can sharpen and have a godly influence on them (Proverbs 27:17).
How can we do this? In preschool and even in the earlier primary school years, parents can take the lead by organising parties and gatherings. These can help our young ones grow their tribe of friends in full view of us parents.
In addition, like-minded parents can form a community of mutual support and raise their children together over time.
I’m grateful for the opportunities my wife and I have had to help my eldest son cultivate a few good friendships from his kindergarten days. Today, they are still close friends, and so are we with their parents.
In fact, my eldest boy’s cell leader was actually a child I witnessed growing up, when I was in the same church cell as his parents!
10. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Finally, for most of us parents, we can be quicker to blame ourselves than to give ourselves a pat on the back for a day’s parenting well done.
Perhaps we’re afraid that self-congratulation might be the fastest way to letting down our guard. We can’t let ourselves simply bask in the moment when our little one finally learns to, say, cross a small lane safely. We’d rather worry about whether he or she would be able to cross a bigger traffic junction.
We’re always hitting that panic button!
Parents (and I say this to myself as well because I often need reminding too), cut yourself some slack, okay? Trust that God will take the work you’ve done and the efforts you’ve made and make them bear fruit in time to come.
Above all, trust that our heavenly Father is forever sovereign over your life and that of your family.
Now go forth and parent away!
This is the second part of a two-part series on the things Kelvin wished he did more of with his kids growing up. Read Part 1 here.
