“Should we talk about this with the children?”

A friend had just committed suicide, leaving behind a family with children not much older than our three young boys. 

At that time, we were tempted to keep the incident from them. Our boys were so young. They wouldn’t understand. Why risk getting questions we didn’t know the answers to?

But then, the Holy Spirit brought to mind some very important divine instructions in Deuteronomy 6:4-9: 

When we walk through our trials in front of our children, they too can grow and benefit from watching us walk with God through all the hills and valleys. 

Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

As we pondered and prayed over these verses, we started to realise that training our children to live as God’s people meant showing them how Mum and Dad handled life, especially the tough situations. 

We saw that we could preach to our kids all we wanted, but it wouldn’t be effective unless we were a “living sermon”. 

We needed to show, rather than tell, our children how to live as God wants us to.

What We Told Our Kids

In the end, we decided to tell our children about our friend’s suicide and explain what happened. Our oldest was about eight at the time, so we explained it to them in a way that they could grasp. 

We dug into Scripture together to see what God says about suicide. We studied the difference between coming to faith in Christ (the security of salvation) and living a disciple’s life (the ongoing process of sanctification). 

We looked at the specific example of Samson in Hebrews 11:32, and why he is listed as one of the faithful despite having brought about his own death (Judges 16:28-30). 

Watching him, we were thankful that we had not shielded him from the hard facts of life.

We then went on to discuss how we could pray for our friend’s family and how we as fellow believers could help. We also discussed how as a family, we should always feel free to talk about our problems with each other and not suffer alone, in silence.

We knew our kids would only understand all this to a certain degree—they were so young! 

But in the following years, we brought up the subject several more times to reinforce what we had discussed.

It wasn’t an easy thing to do. But our children have learnt how to be open. They have learnt to trust us with their problems and not to bottle things up inside them. And they have learnt how to go to God’s Word for wisdom. 

Being Authentic 

We have realised how important it is to be authentic in front of our children, and to show them how much we depend on God. 

We’ve been measured and careful in doing it, praying over and discussing each issue before bringing it up with them. But showing the kids how we walk with God has helped us model for them how they can do the same. 

Our children have learnt from what we did right and, even more significantly, from what we did wrong.

During one season of our lives when we struggled financially, for example, we walked our kids through the family finances. The boys got involved in discussing how we could simplify our lifestyle till things got better. 

We prayed as a family for God’s wisdom and provision. And God was merciful to provide the much-needed finances in unexpected ways!

Through this, our children have come to see how faith works in real life. 

We haven’t pretended that all was well in front of the boys, but have allowed them to journey with us so that they could see God working in our lives. It showed them that God is not a concept but a daily, living reality. He is a heavenly Father who is caring and can be trusted.

How Modelling Has Helped Our Kids

Showing our boys how much we depend on God has taught them as well as us, as a family, about our walk with God.

First, our children have learnt from what we did right and, even more significantly, from what we did wrong. 

Importantly, they have learnt not to crumble during hard times. When facing challenges, our boys could ask themselves: What did Mum and Dad do? Where in the Bible did they go to for help? 

Second, we have learnt to pray together as family. We prayed for many weeks for our friend’s family after the suicide. Young as they were, our boys grew used to leading prayer. 

Praying for our family’s tough situations also allowed the boys to experience how God moved and intervened in our lives. This grew their faith tremendously.

Third, having witnessed us working through crises, our children have learnt to handle their own problems. 

We haven’t pretended that all was well in front of the boys, but have allowed them to journey with us so that they could see God working in our lives.

They’ve had a wealth of family examples to draw on: many challenges they have faced were no longer new because someone in the family had gone through them before. They could recall how we cried out to God and sought Him through Scripture, and how we sought the counsel of mature Christians. 

Fourth, we grew closer as a family as we talked, dug into the Word, prayed, and cried together. 

Though they are still just young men, our boys have gained much life experience from us sharing our struggles with them.

Lessons For Real Life

We have realised how much our children have benefited from watching us being authentic in our faith when they went through their own challenges.

Recently, one of our sons experienced a crisis. He was 19 and living on his own, as we were still working overseas. He faced a situation that resembled something we had journeyed through before as a family. 

It was a complex problem that was emotionally draining; he was hurt and there were many tears of frustration. But through it all, his faith remained unshaken.

Our children have learnt how to be open. They have learnt to trust us with their problems and not to bottle things up inside them. And they have learnt how to go to God’s Word for wisdom.

Going back to the Bible, our son could clearly identify what was right and wrong in the situation. He knew what he had to do, and he did it. He prayed, sought mature Christian counsel, waited on God, and trusted God to guide him each step of the way. 

As we spent time on the phone with him talking, praying, and sharing Bible passages, we could see that God was teaching and moulding him. 

This was his journey of growth and maturity. God was growing our son’s obedience and trust in Him.

Watching him, we were thankful that we had not shielded him from the hard facts of life. 

We could point back to a similar situation we had faced, and talk about how God had guided us through it. Our son could remember what we went through and make biblically sound decisions. 

We needed to show, rather than tell, our children how to live as God wants us to.

This is what we shared with our son while he was in the midst of his troubles: “Live well and pass this test with flying colours. That is what we pray for ourselves when God tests us. And we pray the same thing for you. Pass this with flying colours and hear God say, ‘Well done’. Know that God is giving you this test as an opportunity for you to grow to be a little more like Jesus.”

God Is Moulding Us

Trials can help us grow. 

God often allows things to happen to us, as through them we can grow to be more like Jesus. Romans 8:28–29 notes: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”

We have tried not to waste any opportunity for our own growth. When we walk through our trials in front of our children, they too can grow and benefit from watching us walk with God through all the hills and valleys. 

If we shield them from this reality of “adult” life, they would miss seeing how God shapes and moulds us. We can show them how we depend on God, as James 1:2–5 urges us: 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.