There I was, sitting with a group of mums whose children were in my son’s class. This mums’ breakfast had been organised for us to get to know each other better, since our children were classmates. I remember being excited to meet them at first. But, as the breakfast social progressed, a distinct feeling of dread crept into my heart.
“My son started attending classes at XYZ*! His grades have shot up since,” one mum said with pride swelling in her chest.
(*The actual name of the school has not been used.)
Another mum, whose son also attended the elite enrichment school XYZ, nodded excitedly, and said, “I’ll only ever send my son to XYZ! It’s the best enrichment school in Singapore. Better than school itself.”
A third mum piped up. “I tell my son not to do the worksheets the school gives. Only do the worksheets XYZ gives. They’re better. The school’s worksheets are outdated!”
If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we also push our kids for us.
Over the next hour or so, right through breakfast, we assessed our sons’ teachers, fretted over the impending Primary School Leaving Examination, and discussed many other academic-related topics.
I found the talk so overwhelming that when my kids came home from school that day, all I could do was hug them and say, “I love you.” Then I added: “How about we take a break from homework today and just relax?”
My kids thought I was feeling ill!
Actually, I was just feeling troubled. So troubled by the immense pressure on my kids’ academic lives that all I felt like doing was curling up in a corner and pretending none of this existed.
Pushing Our Kids
Where I’m from—and I suspect this may be a common phenomenon in other parts of the world too—most parents make it a priority to ensure their kids get the best education possible.
To some, having their kids score well in exams is a baseline expectation. That’s the least you could do.
To some, having their kids score well in exams is a baseline expectation. That’s the least you could do.
The next level would be to get their kids into an elite school, and have them graduate from an Ivy League university. In such a pressurising environment, I’ve heard parents say:
“Get a 99 out of a 100, and I’ll spank you!”
“Who has time for church on the weekends? We have extra classes for our kids on Saturdays, and Sundays are for family time.”
It is considered normal—perhaps even admirable—to push your kids hard. After all, our parents pushed us to study. It’s like a generational gift that gets passed down. But some gifts have hidden spikes.
What’s Driving Us?
In a global study conducted by the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD) in 2017, it was revealed that 86 per cent of Singaporean students were worried about poor grades at school, while 76 per cent felt very anxious about a test even if they were well prepared. These figures were way above the OECD average of 66 and 55 per cent respectively.
Another survey, the Global Parents’ Survey, found that out of 29 countries, Singapore had the highest percentage of parents who listed excessive academic stress as their top anxiety in 2018.
This high level of anxiety must surely be fuelling Singapore’s S$1.1 billion tuition industry (as measured in 2018), which has almost doubled from 2008.
“You’re a product, not a person. If you don’t perform well, dear product, I won’t like you anymore. You are to succeed for my sake.”
At the heart of all the anxiety, I believe, lies a curious mix of altruism and ego. As parents, we may genuinely think it is good for our children to excel in school, so that they can get a better job, a better life. We’re pushing them for them.
Yet, these altruistic intentions are often tarnished by our own egos. If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we also push our kids for us.
Many of us want our kids to succeed in their studies because we equate their success with our success.
When they excel, we feel good because it shows we have succeeded as parents. When they fail, we feel upset because we have failed as parents. In fact, we may be so upset that we may respond by rejecting our children as the source of our failure.
You’re a Product, Not a Person
In the process of being anxious and pushing our kids to excel, here’s what we could be communicating to them: “You’re a product, not a person. If you don’t perform well, dear product, I won’t like you anymore. You are to succeed for my sake.”
It may sound silly, or worse, offensive to say that a child is being treated like a product. But, think about it: Don’t we do this some of the time?
When we get our kid’s test papers back, and they’re not ideal, do we not show how unhappy we are with our “product” and say words of rejection to him?
Do we solve the “problem” we face with our “product” by sending it for an “upgrade”, that is, enrichment or tuition classes?
Do we encourage a transactional approach by offering monetary or consumer rewards for good “product” performance (“If you do well in your exams, Daddy will buy you the latest smartphone”)?
When Minor Goods Become the Most Important
When we as parents get caught up in the academic rat race, it’s easy to forget that ultimate fulfilment can only come from He who loved us first, and proved His love by dying on the cross (Romans 5:8).
What Christ has done for us on the cross, the redemption He purchased at His expense, is so precious, so amazing, so generous, that it must surely transform us, even the parts of us that are enticed by the worldly pursuit of success.
…each child has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses. God has a special plan for every child.
What St Augustine said is worthy of us to meditate on: “Sin arises when things that are a minor good are pursued as though they were the most important goals in life. If money or affection or power are sought in disproportionate, obsessive ways, then sin occurs. And that sin is magnified when, for these lesser goals, we fail to pursue the highest good and the finest goals. So, when we ask ourselves why, in any given situation, we committed a sin, the answer is usually one of two things. Either we wanted to obtain something we didn’t have, or we feared losing something we had.”
Are we as parents pursuing the academic success of our children as the most important goal in life, disproportionate to our pursuit of God?
The Heart of the Issue
At the heart of the whole issue is this question: What is the one thing our kids need to have and cannot do without?
Is it academic success? Or, is it the recognition that whether we succeed or fail in life, Jesus is king and we must submit to Him in how we live (including in how and why we study)?
In Christ, we have the ultimate “success”: eternal security, assurance and fulfilment, given to us freely and generously. These are things that no “A” grade can ever give us!
We need to work out what is truly essential for our children’s lives, and strive to keep that in focus every moment of every day.
Below are some insights from God’s Word that will help us hold fast to His ways as we face the pressure to succeed, both from the world and within our own sinful hearts.
You’re a Person, Not a Product
Firstly, children are a gift from the LORD (Psalm 127:3). He created each child, uniquely knitting him together in his mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13-14). Each child is a limited-edition eternal soul, fearfully and wonderfully made by God.
In all the expanse of time—past, present and future—there is only ever going to be one of your child in this whole universe.
This means that we need to avoid comparing our children with others, including with ourselves.
Our children are not products, manufactured uniformly to meet standard requirements that give us a basis to compare them. They are unique: each child has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses. God has a special plan for every child.
I’m Imperfect, But the Father’s Love is Perfect
Secondly, no matter how hard we try, we are going to be imperfect parents. It’s a given, since we are imperfect people (Romans 3:10-18).
Yes, we may be justified by faith and yes, we may have the power to resist sin through the indwelling Holy Spirit, but this side of heaven, it is best to humbly acknowledge this inalienable truth: we will be imperfect till Christ fully perfects us.
And it is a truth that we can acknowledge openly and discuss with our kids (if it isn’t already fairly obvious to them!): “Mum and Dad are sinners. Sometimes, we may fall into the trap of acting as if we love you more or less because of your academic performance. We want you to know our love is imperfect, and God is still working on growing us to be more like Him.”
We need to tell our kids this somehow, in our own words and frequently.
In the face of academic pressure, we have a precious opportunity to put a different spin on what our kids are facing, and to point them to Christ.
Here’s something else we can tell them: “Son and Daughter, you may also fall into the trap of assessing yourself based on your performance. Please know that this is not what God wants, nor is it how He sees you. In His mercy, He died for you while you were a sinner so that you may receive the ultimate gift of eternal life, which is much more precious and intrinsically valuable than any academic achievement. So, let’s agree not to give and receive love based on performance or achievement, okay?”
If we can talk to our kids about academic achievement in this manner, we will be able to point them in the right direction—to God.
After all, this is the chief goal of parenting—to point our kids to the perfect love of the Father. We need to show them that God’s love is unconditional, all-encompassing (Jeremiah 31:3), and all-sufficient: it is an unshakable foundation on which they will flourish.
In the face of academic pressure, we have a precious opportunity to put a different spin on what our kids are facing, and to point them to Christ.
Work as if Working for God
Finally, God’s Word contains many verses encouraging us all—children included—to be diligent (Proverbs 6:6-8; 12:24; 13:4; 21:5; Ecclesiastes 9:10; Colossians 3:23).
Not making academic excellence our ultimate goal does not mean that we can be lazy. The Bible links diligence to wisdom, and laziness to foolishness.
We are to encourage our children to study hard and to be diligent.
At the same time, however, we must remember: For what purpose? For whose glory? For our glory as parents? For their glory and their egos? Or, for God’s glory?
The answer should be clear, but how easily we slip into our natural tendency of wanting to boost our own egos or those of our children!
Just as we are called to work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), we can work out what it means for our kids to be diligent in the academic arena: how to work hard as God calls them to do, yet with a pure heart of wanting to glorify Him, and not to glorify themselves or us; and how to be diligent not out of fear of parental rejection or of worldly failure, but out of a full and complete understanding that they are unique creations who are to develop their strengths and talents in order to please Him.
Wouldn’t it be great if we as parents could have godly conversations on these questions, and work out with them what it means to glorify God through studying? Would it take time and effort? Yes. But would it be worth it? Yes!
Mentor or Tormentor?
In conclusion, are we mentoring our kids in their academic pursuit?
Are we pointing them to Christ and to biblical wisdom? Are we having value-building conversations with them, so that they can exercise their budding faith in this area of their lives?
Or, are we turning out to be their tor-mentor?
Just as we are called to work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12), we can work out what it means for our kids to be diligent in the academic arena…
Are we the very source of our kids’ anxiety and fear of rejection? Are we treating them as products and not persons? Are we focusing on grades and not God? And emphasising their studies and not spiritual matters?
I will always remember an older lady in church who told me about a friend who pushed her daughter to study relentlessly.
Over the years, as the family put her studies before church and exam preparation before Christian fellowship, the girl topped her class consistently. On the day she flew off to Stanford University on a government scholarship, she declared to her mum, “I don’t believe in God anymore.”
It was singularly the happiest and saddest day of that mum’s life.
As parents, we play a central role in our children’s lives during their formative years.
We can choose to mentor them as disciples of God, or torment them with our (unintentional or intentional) utilitarian approaches to conditional love.
Let’s prayerfully ask ourselves: Are we being spiritual mentors, or worldly tormentors of our children?
Our latest parenting resource, Help! I’m Stressed About My Child’s Education, is now available on our website. Read online or request copies by clicking here. Find out more!
