As parents, we’ve probably made countless mistakes over the course of raising our children, whether they’re toddlers or teenagers. When this happens, we might wonder: Is it my fault if my child turns out a certain way? Is my child like this today because of what I’ve done or not done?
While these are common questions that many parents will be asking, one of the hardest questions that some of us might find ourselves asking is:
Am I to blame if my child chooses not to follow Jesus?
After all, there’s nothing that weighs heavier on our hearts than the salvation of our children. It can be one of our greatest desires—but it can also be one that brings the greatest grief because of the very fact that we can’t make it happen.
So, where does this leave a parent? And what role do parents play in contributing to the salvation of their children?
What Parents Are Called to Do
For one, the Bible makes it clear that it is not a parent’s fault if a child is unsaved. No one is born a believer—not even the children of believers. All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23).
Our children are responsible and accountable to God for the choices they make—whether good or bad—and this includes wilful unbelief. Just as parents aren’t to be blamed for their children’s sin, children too aren’t to be blamed for their parents’ sin (Ezekiel 18).
While God delights in saving, He also says: “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion” (Romans 9:15). We have this assurance: If a person is His elect, then we know that God has chosen him or her before the foundation of the world, and will save him or her in His perfect will and timing.
While a parent cannot save their children, they can be negligent, provoking, and a poor witness to them.
At the same time, the Bible instructs parents to raise their children in God’s ways (Deuteronomy 6:5–9; Ephesians 6:4). While a parent cannot save their children, they can be negligent, provoking, and a poor witness to them, such that their children don’t receive effective discipline, hear the Word of God being preached at home, or see Christ clearly in the lives of their parents as they grow up.
Faith Comes By Hearing
In the prophet Amos’ vision concerning Judah and Jerusalem, he prophesies: “Hear me, you heavens! Listen, earth! For the LORD has spoken: ‘I reared children and brought them up, but they have rebelled against me’” (Isaiah 1:2).
If God, who perfectly parented, faithfully cared for, and lovingly instructed the Israelites, and they still rebelled, how much more the children of fallen and imperfect humans!
As parents, we are not in charge of saving our children. Nor are we in charge of their response to the gospel. Our responsibility is to faithfully and consistently discipline and instruct our children in His ways.
That means persevering in teaching our children the Scriptures in such a way that they understand God’s commandments and the depths of forgiveness in Christ. It also means prayerfully endeavouring to build a wall of Scripture to guard their hearts, so that if and when they wander off the godly path, they will sense a proper and healthy guilt before God when they sin against Him.
We are not in charge of saving our children. Nor are we in charge of their response to the gospel. Our responsibility is to faithfully and consistently discipline and instruct our children in His ways.
This is what will help our children to see their deep need for the gospel, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Confessing and Apologising
While we may know about God’s sovereignty and human responsibility, those of us who have seen our children leave the faith may feel a deep regret and anguish at their unbelief. If this happens, we may drift into thinking: “If only I had done this differently, my child would’ve come to know the Lord.”
Fellow parents, if you’ve reflected on what you’ve done and the Lord has brought to your remembrance what you might have done wrong in your parenting, confess it to the Lord—and confess it to your children. Our children can often be forgiving if we remove the log out of our own eye, and say: “I’m sorry I did that to you. Please forgive me.”
As our children observe us, they too can learn that even when they fail and sin, there’s a way home to God when we confess and seek forgiveness in Christ.
Let us take the posture of blamelessness—and not defensiveness—when our children bring up their past hurts and grievances with us. Ask God for forgiveness, and ask them for forgiveness.
One of the most profound lessons we can learn as parents is in humility, when we fail our children and go to them for forgiveness. When we do so, it shows them that all of us are on the same equal playing field before a holy God.
As our children observe us, they too can learn that even when they fail and sin, there’s a way home to God when we confess and seek forgiveness in Christ.
While we may not be perfect parents, it may be comforting to know that there is no perfect family mentioned in Scripture, either. And, if we’re honest, many of us whose children eventually went on to accept Christ would likely say: “The Lord saved my child in spite of me, and not always because of me.”
Encouraging Fellow Parents With Wayward Children
Some parents don’t just carry a burden of guilt at the way their children have turned out; they might also feel shame when they consider how fellow church members might perceive them and their parenting “failure”. They might compare their own kids to other children who are still attending Sunday school and making good decisions in life—while theirs are not.
This can be worsened when the church treats parents with wayward children differently—whether explicitly or implicitly—such as by excluding such parents from leadership and ministry positions, or when fellow parents in church do not allow their children to hang out with theirs.
We celebrate with fellow parents when their children come to know Christ and follow Him, and we weep with parents whose children have left the faith.
Rather than shunning such parents or disqualifying them from serving in church, let us be sensitive to their experiences, and to “rejoice with those who rejoice; [and] mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).
This means that we celebrate with fellow parents when their children come to know Christ and follow Him, and we weep with parents whose children have left the faith. We can pray for and comfort them, encourage them to persevere when we see them in church, or point them towards biblical counselling, support, and resources.
Fellow parents, let us persevere in prayer for the salvation of our children, and petition the Lord as Isaiah did: “Surely the arm of the LORD is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” (Isaiah 59:1).
May we stay the course, keep the faith, and press on with our parenting responsibilities before a holy God, entrusting the results to the Lord.
