This is the second part of a two-part series on relating to our in-laws better. Read Part 1 here.
As husbands and wives learn to put each other first in marriage, and to honour their parents and in-laws even when they disagree, they may still struggle with grudges and unforgiveness against them.
Romans 12, however, exhorts: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. . . . If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (vv. 9–10, 18).
While disagreements, differences, and unresolved conflicts and even miscommunication may have snowballed over the years, there can be a way out. Here are four R’s for couples to consider:
1. Reflect
Conflict—or disagreement—does not always mean that one party is right and the other wrong, says Lee Hann Yang, a biblical counsellor and associate pastor.
“We can discern and differentiate between conflicts. In some cases, differences in opinion can be over good things—like how, when, or where to celebrate birthdays or special occasions like Chinese New Year.”
“There’s nothing wrong with either opinion per se; we can simply recognise that families can have different rituals, traditions, habits, and cultures,” he adds.
Is this a matter of biblical right and wrong, or simply a different way of doing things?
Petrine Lim, a counsellor and adjunct senior lecturer in social work, also counsels her clients to question the expectations they may unknowingly have for themselves, their spouse, and their in-laws.
In the case of the daughter-in-law who wanted to please her parents-in-law (read Part 1), this meant unearthing societal and cultural expectations she held for herself to be seen as a compliant and obedient daughter-in-law.
“What informs you that this is the way things should be like?” Petrine asks. “We can consider how the values held by our family of origin, our personal expectations, and unspoken rules might have crossed to have led to this point.”
When we reflect, it helps us to self-examine: Is this a matter of biblical right and wrong, or simply a different way of doing things?
2. Repent
Oftentimes, unhappiness with our spouse and in-laws can result in sinful words, thoughts, and actions—such as envy, slander, and pride. “Parents may do or say things out of good intent, but a husband or wife can paint them as trying to interfere or control their lives,” says Hann. “Such evil thoughts can give space to the devil to wreak havoc in our family relationships.”
Likewise, pride can lead to criticism of a parent or in-law, such as when the latter tries to share unsolicited advice on childrearing methods.
“If we’ve been rash with our words, prejudging our in-laws, or harbouring anger and unforgiveness toward them, we need to ask God to reveal the sinfulness in our hearts and to repent before Him,” says Hann.
3. Recalibrate
Finally, husband and wife can ask God to help them rethink and reshape their interactions with one another and their in-laws. Philippians 2:1–4 can serve as a guiding principle:
“Does belonging to Christ help you in any way? Does his love comfort you at all? Do you share anything in common because of the Holy Spirit? Has Christ ever been gentle and loving toward you? If any of these things has happened to you, then agree with one another. Have the same love. Be one in spirit and in the way you think and act. By doing this, you will make my joy complete. Don’t do anything only to get ahead. Don’t do it because you are proud. Instead, be humble. Value others more than yourselves. None of you should look out just for your own good. Each of you should also look out for the good of others.”
“Paul argues that if we’ve found our identity in Christ, and experienced His love, comfort, and gentleness, we can certainly learn to unite with others and esteem others highly,” Hann explains.
Recalibrating means looking to Christ’s humility as the model for how we treat our in-laws.
“If possible, let’s strive to live at peace with our in-laws as far as it depends on us. We can’t expect our in-laws to change—but we can be the ones to change how we react and respond, as we recall Christ’s forbearance and forgiveness toward us.”
He observes how some married couples can accumulate grievances with their in-laws that can even stretch back decades.
“When we feel offended, we ought to try clearing the misunderstanding as soon as we can, or if it’s a small matter, to ask God to help us forgive and let it go, so that no bitter root grows up in our hearts, and defile our marriage and family,” says Petrine, citing Hebrews 12:15.
In short, recalibrating means looking to Christ’s humility as the model for how we treat our in-laws.
4. Relate Differently
One way couples can seek to live in peace with their in-laws amidst differences is to work on their heart posture and to be mindful of their speech—even going to the extent of scripting or rehearsing conversations with their in-laws, suggests Hann.
In Luke 6:45, Jesus points out the connection between our heart and speech: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
“If our heart posture toward our in-laws is wrong,” says Hann, “it will translate in our tone and speech, and spoil our relationship with them and affect the peace in our families—and in our own hearts, too.”
By settling grievances privately, the couple also protects the “one flesh” union and prevents parents from forming biased views of their spouse.
Likewise, Ephesians 4:29 exhorts: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
For example, couples can refrain from complaining about their spouse to their parents, as parents tend to side with their adult children, says Petrine. “If we have a grievance with our spouse, let’s settle it as a couple. Complaining may add unnecessary frustration—unless it’s about an issue of personal safety.”
By settling grievances privately, the couple also protects the “one flesh” union and prevents parents from forming biased views of their spouse.
“By scripting our speech, we can carefully weigh our words, and learn to speak the truth with love and grace.”
Reiterating that couples cannot control what their in-laws say, do, or think, Hann says that they can control how they esteem their in-laws in their hearts, and speak to and about them.
“By scripting our speech, we can carefully weigh our words, and learn to speak the truth with love and grace.”
Likewise, couples can affirm their in-laws for their love and care by filtering their intentions and actions through the lens of Philippians 4:8–9. “By recognising and affirming our in-laws’ good intentions, we can encourage them and strengthen our relationship with them,” adds Hann.
For God’s Glory
“Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
— 1 Corinthians 10:31
While the way we honour our parents and in-laws might change in marriage and even across the seasons of parenthood, the substance remains the same: couples are to esteem them highly in their thoughts, attitudes, and speech.
While it can certainly be challenging to forgive them for past hurts and grievances, couples can look to the Lord for the grace and strength they need. Where necessary, husbands and wives can also prayerfully consider seeking counsel from spiritually mature couples, church leaders, or biblical counsellors.
“Let’s seek to center all our relationships on God, and to live under His sovereignty and rule,” says Hann. “This includes forgiving and relating to our in-laws in love, to the glory of God.”
This is the second part of a two-part series on relating to our in-laws better. Read Part 1 here.
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