I recently tried to teach my son how to cycle. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, for all of us struggle to learn something new. I never expected, however, that my son would take so long to “get it right”.
After weeks of falling off the new two-wheeler we got him, my son and I were both discouraged. I resorted to hiring a coach to teach him, thinking that some things were perhaps better left to the professionals.
Just when we thought he was getting better, however, I noticed that my son kept swerving to the side after a few turns of the pedal. This would cause him to lose balance and fall.
“Step harder! Turn to the left! Hold your handlebar tighter! Stop fidgeting! Keep pedalling! Remember what your coach taught you!” I found myself yelling. As he kept falling more and more, it seemed like we were back to square one.
In the midst of my frustration, however, I was moved by the Holy Spirit to let go and be quiet. Persuading my son to try again, I consciously shut myself up. This time, he could go on a little farther.
Being quiet, I also saw something that I had not noticed before: once he started pedalling, my son would look to his side to try to keep his balance, but in doing so would naturally swerve to where he set his gaze on.
So, fighting down all the other instructions I was tempted to shout out as he kicked off, I simply told him: “You see that red fire hydrant over there? I want you to just keep your eyes on it and start pedalling this time.”
And look to the fire hydrant he did—and he kept going, going, and going. I can still remember my son’s beaming face that day.
I also realised that his difficulties didn’t come from him: I was the one giving him too many instructions, distracting his attention such that it was hard for him to concentrate. This experience also taught me a simple but profound lesson: wherever you fix your eyes on, that’s where you will go.
After this incident, I reflected deeply on five things:
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1. Have I Been Giving My Son Too Many Things to Focus on?
Sometimes, I confess, I’ve let anxiety take over my parenting. I’ve nagged him to practise his maths sums, read his books, do his chores, learn his spelling, practise his penmanship . . . just like I did when yelling all those instructions while he tried to cycle.
Wherever you fix your eyes on, that’s where you will go.
While these are not inherently wrong, I realise that I’ve been missing something even more important: guiding my son to first fix his eyes on the true source of our needs—God. Hebrews 12:2 calls on us to live our lives “fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith”.
Too many times, we try to turn to man-made fixes—when we should first be still and ask God if there are any deeper issues relating to the matter at hand, that we need Him to help us with.
These days, when my son gets a bad report card, our first response is to pray and ask Jesus to show us what our next steps should be. This fixes our gaze on the Lord.
2. We Are Our Children’s First Pastors
You can outsource many things, but you can’t outsource parenting. Coaches (like my son’s cycling instructor) can teach techniques and steps, but it is ultimately my duty as a father to guide my son about where he should look in life.
Letting children learn about God from children’s ministry is not a bad thing at all, but the danger lies in forgetting that their discipleship starts at home.
Proverbs 22:6 tells us that it is a father’s responsibility to “start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it”.
Upon digging deeper, I’ve realised that I’ve been “outsourcing” my son’s spiritual formation to Sunday school in church. Again, letting children learn about God from children’s ministry is not a bad thing at all, but the danger lies in forgetting that their discipleship starts at home.
We are our children’s first pastors. As parents, we have to be intentional about helping them set our children’s eyes on Jesus, and to constantly calibrate their attention to God’s Word.
Deuteronomy 11:19 instructs us: “Teach [God’s Word] to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” This takes intentionality.
3. Where Do I Set My Gaze on as a Parent?
Have we set aside time to gaze on the beauty of the Lord ourselves? Despite what I can imagine would have been a busy and hectic schedule, King David ultimately chose to set his eyes on God’s beauty: “One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple” (Psalm 27:4).
As a parent, I cannot pour into my kids what I do not have; I have to first fill my own cup daily. Nowadays, I try to keep up the habit of spending a time of solitude with God and contemplating His will for my family before I go about my day. This sets my eyes on Him, spending loving hours with Him, so that I can then guide my sons to do the same.
Jesus himself took pains to carve out time with God the Father: He “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16).
As a parent, I cannot pour into my kids what I do not have; I have to first fill my own cup daily.
Of course, this hasn’t been easy: I’ve had to discipline myself to put my phone aside first thing in the morning, limit my social media usage, and wake up earlier so that I have that bit more time to just bask in God’s gaze. I’ve learnt that habits are a good way to help me arrest my own attention and mind for these purposes.
4. Starting Habits for Our Children
Our children are growing up in a world where there is a war for their attention. The likes of social media and algorithms are constantly trying to distract them from what’s fundamentally important in their lives—walking with God. It’s like my son learning to cycle, but having his gaze constantly distracted by things around him, so much so that he loses his balance and falls.
We need to set a rhythm in which we give God sustained attention as a family. One of the prayers I’ve said for my family is for God to occupy our minds—that’s basically what attention is.
Another way of putting it is asking for God to inhabit our lives. The words “inhabit” and “habit” have the same root word in Latin—habere, or to hold.
Holding on to something in mind means keeping our attention on it. Habits can help us ensure that we have a sustained attention on God: they are a muscle memory, a natural tendency, an inclination, a repetition, a liturgy of sorts in our daily rhythm of life.
The repetition of a daily act can move our attention on God from the head to the heart; it can become a habit so strong that it creates a fertile ground for the Holy Spirit to inhabit our lives.
We need to set a rhythm in which we give God sustained attention as a family.
Just as pedalling is a repetition that keeps the bicycle going (and my son balanced on his bike), creating habits will help us maintain our balance through the paths ahead of us.
What habits can you start for your family today to help each other gaze on Jesus and sit with Him, listening to Him earnestly?
Let me encourage you to start where you’re at—and more importantly, to just first show up. It might be that two minutes in your car, praying with your child just before you set off. Or getting your family to reflect on what they want to thank God for during breakfast.
The habit of spending time in a community of other families who are believers is also important in helping us sustain our faith. Hebrews 10:25 encourages us to not give up “meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching”.
5. Attention Starts at Home
We can’t expect our kids to give God their attention and fix their gaze on a God that they cannot physically see, when we as parents (whom they can see) don’t model giving them attention.
“Papa, stop looking at your phone!” was an admonishment my sons used to give me when I was at the dining table or in the car. This sometimes happened even while they were trying to share something with me.
I’ve learnt that fixing one’s eyes and giving someone attention also means being present—and one great way to teach our kids to do so is by first being present to them in the small day-to-day moments. In my home, we now have a rule: no one looks at the phone when we’re on car rides or at the dining table.
God will honour your intentionality. And as much as you set your gaze on Him, I pray that you will experience His gaze upon you as well.
The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face towards you and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24–26)
