Ruth Seah, a seasoned corporate leader who worked for multinational corporations like IBM, Microsoft, and Schneider Electric, seemed to have it all together.
Married to a pastor, her two older children, Richard and Rebecca, excelled academically and are now doctors. But her youngest child, Ryan, turned her parenting world upside down—forcing her to confront her own mistakes as a self-confessed “tiger mum”.
Bringing the Corporate World Home
As a career-driven mother, Ruth relied on her mother, mother-in-law, and domestic helper to share the bulk of childcare when her children were young.
“Without these three people and my husband, I couldn’t have managed three children alongside a demanding career,” she recalls. During those years, she was climbing the corporate ladder at IBM, where she spent nearly two decades.
“When my kids came home and said: ‘Mummy, I got third in class,’ I would applaud and praise them. But the next thing I’d say was: ‘So who got first and second?’”
Immersed in the corporate world, Ruth admits she became “sucked into the corporate grime”, carrying home workplace habits that shaped how she parented—treating her children like her staff and holding them to exacting standards.
For instance, good results were never quite good enough. “When my kids came home and said: ‘Mummy, I got third in class,’ I would applaud and praise them,” Ruth recalls. “But the next thing I’d say was: ‘So who got first and second?’”
What sounded like curiosity was really Ruth’s drive for her children to aim higher—an instinct shaped by her corporate mindset. Rather than simply celebrating their effort, she would then conduct a “postmortem”—a corporate-style review—to analyse how they could do even better.
High Expectations, Different Outcomes
In the months leading up to the exams, Ruth would open a spreadsheet and map out a detailed daily study plan—so granular that it was broken down by the hour as the exams approached. She stocked up on past exam papers, engaged top tutors, and even introduced a reward system of $50 for every ‘A’ scored.
“I had a very low acceptance of failure,” Ruth admits. “I wanted my children to aim high and go for it.” Her two older children seemed to thrive under this disciplined approach, adapting well to her high expectations. But when she applied the same standards to her youngest, the outcome was different. “I thought what worked for Richard must also work for Rebecca, and what worked for them would surely work for Ryan,” she says.
That was where Ruth discovered she was wrong. “I realised each child is unique, and the same approach doesn’t fit all,” she recalls.
Early Struggles
Ryan excelled in primary school, even earning $200 from the four A’s he scored in his exams. But his grades started to slip in secondary school.
Still, his teachers often described Ryan as a “very good boy” who was always willing to help. To encourage him, Ruth rewarded him with $50 whenever such comments appeared in his report book.
“I thought what worked for Richard must also work for Rebecca, and what worked for them would surely work for Ryan.”
Unlike his siblings who studied diligently and scored well, Ryan preferred spending time on his devices—whether playing computer games or experimenting with his cameras. “Instead of studying, he would take his camera and stay out the whole day,” recalls Ruth.
Then, Ryan began failing several subjects in upper secondary. This came to a head when he flunked his mid-year exams in secondary four—just months shy from the O-Level exams.
For the very first time, Ruth was summoned to the principal’s office. “I was very resentful,” she admits. “It was a humbling and painful moment as a mother.”
Learning from Crisis
When Ruth confronted Ryan about his poor results, he candidly admitted that his mobile phone was the main distraction. Instinctively, Ruth confiscated it—a move that strained their relationship even further.
The tension became so great that Ryan confided in his godmother, Ruth’s sister. “He shared how stifling and horrible it was to grow up under my regime,” Ruth recalls. “He said I compared him to his older siblings, put too much pressure on him, and used money as a reward.”
Hearing this was deeply painful. “I felt like King David when the prophet Nathan confronted his sin in 2 Samuel 12,” she admits. Ryan’s words became a much-needed wake-up call.
“Everything I thought I was doing well as a mother was actually wrong,” Ruth reflects. “I had such high expectations of my children, but I had not accepted that God made Ryan different.”
In her brokenness, Ruth meditated on the psalms, particularly those where David cried out to God for help. As she repented, she sensed God reminding her to embrace Ryan for who he was.
“Everything I thought I was doing well as a mother was actually wrong.”
It was then that Ruth realised Ryan was different from her elder two children: while they thrived academically, he was more artistically-inclined. He needed to be nurtured in a way that fit his gifts, not forced into the same mould.
Ruth began paying more attention to Ryan’s passion for photography. Together with her husband, she helped him prepare his photography portfolio for the Early Admission Exercise. Ryan was later accepted into a polytechnic to study mass communications, where he thrived.
Ruth also chose to journey closely with Ryan through personal challenges, such as his first heartbreak. By God’s grace, she says, these changes helped restore and strengthen their mother-son relationship.
From Control to Trust
Today, Ruth enjoys a close bond with Ryan, now a 24-year-old freelance photographer, and co-founder of creative production house MAMA.
“He comes to my room every day to say hello and takes me out for lunch sometimes,” she shares. “Whenever he runs into difficulty, he talks to me about it.”
Looking back, Ruth is grateful that the Lord led her to humble repentance and guided her in changing how she related to her youngest child. “As a tiger mum, I thought I knew best. But through my journey with Ryan, I learnt that the best way is always to consult God,” she says.
Through this, Ruth discovered that “character is so much more important than grades”.
“As a tiger mum, I thought I knew best. But through my journey with Ryan, I learnt that the best way is always to consult God.”
One principle that reshaped her parenting was the idea of “setting high expectations with high acceptance”, a concept taught by Bible teacher and pastor Benny Ho. “If parents have high expectations without high acceptance, they might stress their children until they break. But if they show high acceptance without high expectations, they might excuse failure until it becomes a way of life,” Ruth explains.
For Ruth, striking this balance between high expectations and high acceptance means desiring, praying for, and guiding her children to obey God’s will—while embracing them with love, patience, and forgiveness when they struggle or fall short.
Learning to Listen Well
Parenting Ryan taught Ruth that she needed to “unlearn and relearn” many of her parenting methods and beliefs, too.
“In my repentance, I learnt to listen instead of talking and judging,” she says. She began to ask her children what she could help them with, whether it was brainstorming ideas or even doing hands-on craftwork with them.
As she sought to humbly serve them, she gained their trust over time—which proved useful in seasons when they needed to make major decisions and went to her for advice.
“Through this journey of motherhood, God showed me that He created Ryan to be different and special,” says Ruth. “We can set high expectations for our children—but we should also embrace them with high acceptance.”
Ruth’s Parenting Tips
- Make God central in your own life. Ruth stresses the importance of prioritising our relationship with God before guiding our children to do the same (Matthew 6:33; Deuteronomy 6:4–9). “By doing so, we model for our children what it means to walk closely with God through the ups and downs of life,” she says.
- Remember that God created our children (see Psalm 139:13–16) with unique gifts and strengths. Avoid comparisons, which can discourage or embitter them (Colossians 3:21).
- Prayerfully consider your parenting methods. What works for one child may not work for another. Assess your methods with humility, seeking God’s guidance as you relate to each child (1 Corinthians 13:1–6).
