Resilience. It’s a word we’ve been hearing a lot these days, especially with the spotlight on mental health issues faced by our children as a result of exam stress and the Covid-19 pandemic.
Experts say resilience is being able to bounce back from adversity and grow from the experience. 2 Timothy 4:7 offers us an apt description of what resilience looks in the Christian journey: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
Jesus is our absolute model of resilience. He truly fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. His apostles, like Paul and Peter, are also good examples—they persevered through persecution, kept an optimistic outlook throughout, learnt to resolve problems effectively, and asked for help when needed. They also set realistic goals that they could meet, and showed great responsibility, independence, and initiative. These are all attributes of resilience.
The good news is: resilience can be learnt—and, even better, it can draw our children closer to God and His Word. Let me share with you seven building blocks of resilience. Perhaps we can prayerfully consider how we can teach our children and help them develop greater resilience.
Give Us This Day 12
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1. Self-Reflection: Knowing Our Thoughts and Emotions
Our behaviour stems from our emotions, which in turn stem from our thoughts. For example, a child who is being clingy could be behaving this way because he is feeling afraid, and is thinking that he can resolve this feeling by clinging on to someone he feels safe with.
We can teach our children to look beyond their actions, to understand their emotions and thoughts behind the actions. This will help them hit the pause button and ask themselves what’s going on inside them. This is what self-reflection, or introspection, is about.
We can start the process by asking them to reflect on their thoughts, and to think about whether these thoughts are helping them in a situation or not.
For example, to help children open up about their day, we can ask: “What made you feel good or bad today?” Or: “What’s the best thing that happened today, and what’s the worst thing that happened today?”
A child might answer: “The best thing was that I got to sit next to X during recess.”
Their answers give us a clue to what is important to our children, and give us the opportunity to ask more follow-up questions (after first sharing their joy—or disappointment).
For example, we can ask: “Why do you like sitting next to X? What do you like about him/her?” Your child might say that X is kind, talks to her, or shares her food. We could then ask questions like: “How would you feel if you couldn’t sit next to X?”
We can also model self-reflection by naming our own emotions when we share about our own day, so our children can see examples of what these emotions look like in real life.
Over time, we can help our children process their thoughts and emotions so that they will be prepared for the time when they don’t get to sit next to X. Before you know it, you would have had helped them to understand their own thoughts and emotions, and subtly guided them according to God’s Word.
Aside from teaching our kids to know their thoughts, we can also teach them to name their emotions.
First, however, we need to teach our children the words to describe their emotions. A “mood meter” or emotions chart can help children see which emotions are high in energy but low in pleasantness, like worry or anger; and which emotions are low in energy but high in pleasantness, like feeling secure and calm.
We can also model self-reflection by naming our own emotions when we share about our own day, so our children can see examples of what these emotions look like in real life.
More importantly, we can teach our children to identify and question their thoughts and emotions prayerfully, by talking to God about what they’re thinking and feeling. We can encourage them to be open and honest before God, as Psalm 139:23–24 tells us: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
2. Self-Control: Managing Our Thoughts and Emotions
After learning to identify their thoughts and emotions, children need to know how to control and change them if these emotions are unhelpful in a situation.
For example, if they are unable to concentrate on their homework, they could be feeling worried because they think that they have a lot to study in a short span of time.
In such instances, we can teach our kids ways to soothe themselves with calming techniques, such as colouring, listening to relaxing music, going for a walk, or taking slow and deep breaths. These practical actions will come in handy when they’re experiencing emotions that may be draining, such as worry, fear, or anger.
While we can’t always control situations around us, we can control how we interpret them with the Lord’s guidance and wisdom.
While we can’t always control situations around us, we can control how we interpret them with the Lord’s guidance and wisdom. Proverbs 2:6 reminds us: “For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”
I’ve personally discovered that a big part of how we interpret situations has to do with being thankful.
My husband and I try to help our daughters (and ourselves) put this into practice by sharing three things we are grateful for at the end of each day. These three things, we tell them, have to be specific and new.
Our girls also have a “gratitude journal”, in which they are encouraged to record these items. We find that this helps them to cope with even the toughest days, as they learn to review their thoughts and emotions through the lens of gratitude.
In this, we are guided by Philippians 4:4–9, which encourages us to give thanks to God in every situation—including the difficult ones. As we do so, we are assured that “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (v. 7). Indeed, cultivating an attitude of gratitude is a crucial ingredient of resilience.
3. Mental Agility: Gaining Understanding
A child who is mentally agile can consider different perspectives and solve problems. He will be able to listen to advice, think through it, look at a situation from others’ perspectives, and identify the causes and solutions to a problem.
For example, a child might be able to stop doing his homework for a few minutes and rush to take in the clothes because it has started to rain. Or, he is able to adjust his expectations if something he was looking forward to is postponed.
Many verses in the Bible stress the importance of being willing to receive advice and instruction. Proverbs 19:20, for example, urges us: “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.”
Don’t rush to solve your children’s problems for them. Instead, give them choices and allow them to choose, living with the consequences of their decisions whenever safely possible.
We can broaden our children’s understanding and exposure to a wide range of experiences and perspectives by getting them involved in tasks that require problem solving and decision making. For example, asking them to help in running errands, budgeting, helping others, and befriending people who are different from them. This can help them see problems from other people’s point of view, and understand how decisions are made.
One helpful advice I’ve received is this: Don’t rush to solve your children’s problems for them. Instead, give them choices and allow them to choose, living with the consequences of their decisions whenever safely possible.
4. Optimism: Trusting in God’s Sovereignty and Goodness
Optimism is not a blind belief that everything will be all right, like an ostrich who buries its head in the sand.
Rather, optimism is being able to separate what we can control in a situation from what we can’t and need to accept, and to trust in God.
As the lines of the “Serenity Prayer” goes, it’s about asking God to grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
If we can help our children develop a godly optimism that’s anchored in His sovereignty and goodness, they will be more able to devote their energy to changing what they can change, rather than lamenting or fighting what they can’t.
Proverbs 3:5–6 tells us: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
If we can help our children develop a godly optimism that’s anchored in His sovereignty and goodness, they will be more able to devote their energy to changing what they can change, rather than lamenting or fighting what they can’t.
For example, a child may miss meeting her friends because of the Covid-19 restrictions. Instead of lamenting about this, if she can see that God is sovereign and good, she might focus instead on coming up with creative ways to play with her friends, like a playdate via WhatsApp.
One way to do this is to help our children start and keep a journal of answered—and unanswered—prayers. We can also share our own personal experiences, as well as testimonies of others. This will help our children learn how to respond to adversity with faith in the sovereignty and goodness of God.
5. Character Strengths: Reflecting Godly Values
What are your children’s character strengths? In my children, I’ve observed humour, kindness, teamwork, and perseverance—and I hope to see more being developed in the years to come.
All of us have character strengths, which are positive aspects of our personality that shape how we think, feel, and behave. One organisation, the VIA Institute on Character, has identified 24 character strengths that people possess in different degrees. They include traits such as bravery, creativity, kindness, perseverance, and social intelligence—many of which mirror godly values.
When children know what they’re good at, they can tap these strengths that come naturally to them, and this will give them greater confidence and resilience to tackle situations.
When children can identify their character strengths, it can help us—and them—to understand why they approach challenges and interact with others in certain ways, and how they can use these strengths. For example, a child whose dominant character strength is courage may find it easier to explore and try new things.
When children know what they’re good at, they can tap these strengths that come naturally to them, and this will give them greater confidence and resilience to tackle situations. You can prayerfully consider the 24 character strengths, and help your children to identify theirs.
6. Connection: Developing Strong Relationships
Studies have shown the importance of having strong and positive connections, which include close connections with family or other caring adults, frequent and positive shared activities with parents, positive engagement with teachers in a supportive school environment, and involvement in social activities.
Children who have strong and authentic relationships with people they can rely on and feel safe with—like parents, grandparents, trusted adults, and friends—often go on to demonstrate resilience later in life.
Children who have strong and authentic relationships with people they can rely on and feel safe with—like parents, grandparents, trusted adults, and friends—often go on to demonstrate resilience later in life.
One way we can help our children cultivate strong friendships is by organising playdates and activities, and creating opportunities for them to interact and bond with others. We can also create spaces in our homes where our children like to hang out with their friends.
Church fellowship is another important source of connection for Christian families. As we encourage one another in our walk of faith, we can model for our children what Christ-centred relationships with fellow believers look like.
This is in line with the Bible’s call to “spur one another on towards love and good deeds . . . and [encourage] one another” (Hebrews 10:24–25).
7. Community: Being Rooted in Healthy Networks
As parents, we don’t have to try to raise resilient children on our own. We can rely on the help of community, like our extended family, church, school, or extracurricular groups and clubs our children are involved in.
Finding and tapping healthy networks can support and help us nurture all these building blocks of resilience, and inculcate in our children values that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy—godly qualities listed in Philippians 4:8.
As we saw how Jesus grew up in wisdom, stature, and favour with God and man (Luke 2:52), we can endeavour to train our children to grow mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially, so that they can follow in His footsteps—fighting the good fight, finishing the race, and keeping the faith.
