What do bows and arrows have to do with managing our children’s screen time? Surprisingly, more than we might think.
Psalm 127:3–4 tells us: “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.”
In this psalm, King Solomon uses the analogy of an archer to describe parenting—an analogy that has been a source of continual revelation and discovery, as I progress in my journey of fatherhood.
Simply put, the act of shooting an arrow can be broken down into two parts: drawing the arrow and aiming, and releasing the arrow and letting it fly.
I’m sure archers would testify to it being more complicated than that, but this has got me thinking about what it means for us as we handle our kids’ use of digital devices.
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Draw and Aim
After speaking to thousands of parents around the world, there seems to be a universal challenge we all face today: the struggle with our children over their use of devices.
It can be a constant point of contention in almost every family, as children push the boundaries parents set. Many give up, literally leaving the children to their own devices; while others take draconian measures that leave their relationship fractured and broken.
It is far easier to teach and enforce rules and boundaries from the very beginning, than to claw back territory that has already been surrendered.
Proverbs 22:6 tells us: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” While referring to training our children away from evil and towards godliness from young, this principle of starting well to end well is instructive, as we seek to “draw” and “aim” with an eye on managing our children’s device use.
What this means is that if we have young children, we should endeavour to set rules as early as possible. It is far easier to teach and enforce rules and boundaries from the very beginning, than to claw back territory that has already been surrendered.
At digital parenting workshops, I often get questions from parents like, “How much screen time should my child have?” or, “How old should they be before we give them their own device?”
While we should set rules, it can also be easy to fall into the trap of being fixated on the device itself—because it’s the tangible object in the middle of this tug of war we often have with our kids.
However, it’s important for us to look beyond the device to the different facets of its usage instead. After all, the device can be a window to many things—it can be a means by which we read the Bible, submit our homework, learn how to bake a cake, read the news, bond with our friends, and so on.
The question of “how much screen time” should always be followed by “to do what?”
Not Just Our Kids
As we prayerfully consider how much screen time to give our children and what for, we can also make use of parental controls on devices, seeking God’s wisdom and discernment as we do so.
These include setting time restrictions on apps or games, restricting access to the Internet, and requiring parental approval before apps can be installed.
At the same time, let us also bear in mind Paul’s command in Ephesians 6:4: not to “exasperate [our] children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Some parents can’t wait to flex their technological muscles, but more than just having our children obey the rules we set, we need to train them to discern right from wrong for themselves—and that starts with us laying a strong biblical foundation in the home.
If your child is old enough to understand, we can co-create house rules for using digital devices in such a way that the whole family can come under the leading and admonition of the Lord—and that includes us parents, too!
More than just having our children obey the rules we set, we need to train them to discern right from wrong for themselves—and that starts with us laying a strong biblical foundation in the home.
In Matthew 7:3–5, Jesus warns us to check our own hypocrisy before being quick to issue judgment upon others. In this case, it means that we reflect on our own use of devices, and bring it before the Lord for His examination.
We should not expend so much energy scrutinising our children’s digital habits—without doing that for our own. Our children should feel that the principles set in the home are observed equally by all. After all, if we do not model the behaviour we ask of our children, our words can feel hollow and hypocritical.
Many teenagers I’ve spoken to complain that their parents are always behind their screens, and unavailable for conversation or counsel. Learning to use technology wisely is a journey the whole family needs to embark on together—and we parents ought to lead by example.
Let Go, and Let Them Fly
Aside from being intentional in “drawing” and “aiming” the bow when it comes to managing our children’s screen time, let us also be mindful that there will be a time that we must let go of the arrow.
For example, some parents ask me: “What do I do with my children? They’re always glued to their phones.” After some probing, I find out that the children in question are already in their early twenties!
Though my children are not yet adults, I often remind myself to evolve my parenting style as they grow older. As parents, we can sometimes be so fixated on control that we forget that our children are only with us for a season.
Our role is to guide our children towards maturity, so that they assume responsibility for their own decisions and walk with God.
If parents hold on to their “arrows”, refusing to let go in fear of losing control, what can happen is that their children grow up to be men and women who never fully mature into adulthood, because their parents continue to make decisions for them, shielding them from consequences and the weight of responsibility.
If parents hold on to their “arrows”, refusing to let go in fear of losing control, what can happen is that their children grow up to be men and women who never fully mature into adulthood.
The arrow that is never released, then, falls short of its created purpose. As parents, let us aim well—and let go of our children when the time comes.
The Milliseconds In-between
The milliseconds between the release of the bow and the hitting of its target can feel like an eternity—and at the same time, it can feel like it passes by in the blink of an eye. Before we know it, our children can grow up before our very eyes . . . but without us “growing” together with them.
The way we parent our children when they were toddlers may no longer work when they grow into teenagers. And, frustration can mount when teens no longer respond to “because I said so”.
If we are to make the milliseconds of our parenthood count—particularly when it comes to guiding our children in their digital journey—then we need to examine how we’re relating to them, and growing in our relationship with them.
If our only conversations with them about their digital life is shouting at them from the other side of the door to get off their devices, we will be estranged from a very integral part of their lives. For this generation of digital natives, there is no separation between their real identity and online identity.
As parents, we cannot be too quick to judge our children’s preoccupation with their digital identity, and dismiss them as immature or childish. Instead, we can take the time and effort to find out things such as: What do they do online? Why do they find those activities enjoyable or meaningful? How can we engage and guide them towards a discerning and fruitful use of their time online?
For this generation of digital natives, there is no separation between their real identity and online identity.
Aside from being active curators of our children’s digital experiences, we can also start conversations with them about what they enjoy doing online, and find ways to bond over their favourite shows and games. We can also look for enriching and interesting content for them, and nurture their appetites to find enjoyment in what is right, pure, lovely and admirable (Philippians 4:8).
Let us strive to grow in our relationship with our children, so that we can look back knowing that we spent every millisecond of their growing-up years relating to them in godly love and for their ultimate good.
Surrendering Our Arrows
As I seek to raise my children in this digital world, I know that my parenting is often tainted with my flaws and limitations. And despite my best efforts to “draw, aim, and shoot” to the best of my ability, at the end of the day, I can only entrust my children’s future—and where they ultimately land—into the Lord’s hands.
In this regard, I see how as parents, we are like the “bow”, and that parenting is less about playing a part of a father or mother, than it is about us learning to be His children first.
Fellow parents, let us surrender and bend to the Master’s will, so that we can be stretched and used by our loving Father to help our children fulfil the wonderful purpose He has for them, unto His glory.
